friday funnies

[dickfaber]

for tomorrow, i cant wait til then 'cause these are just too funny

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30am this morning, can you believe that 2:30am?!
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.



I sat on the train this morning opposite a stunning Thai girl.
I kept thinking to myself, please don't get an erection, please don't get an erection...but she did.



The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.



Paddy says "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador."
"Don't do that" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind"



I've just had a letter back from Screwfix.
They said they regretted to inform me that they're not actually a dating agency.



I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.



My new girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker.
Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.



I woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid.......then I was petrified.



What's the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?
One's a superhero and the other is an instruction.



I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature.
She said I would like to come back as a cow. I said your obviously not listening.



I was in the pub with my wife last night and I said I love you. She said is that you or the beer talking ? I replied
No it's me talking to the beer.



The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So I have been to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.





I didn't believe my wife when she told me this evening that Davy Jones from The Monkeys has died.........then i saw her face.........







My wife ran off with my best mate last year
I don't half miss him




For his birthday, little Joseph asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His
father said 'Son we'd give you one but the mortgage on this house is
$480,000 and your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can
afford it.'

The next day the father saw little Joseph heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked 'Son where are you going?'
Little Joseph told him; 'I was walking past your room last night and
heard you telling mum you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you
to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying
here by myself with a $480,000 mortgage and no bloody bike!


and finally, getting even with a cold caller





may your day contain 1000 smiles

[h.b.bear]