BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told him that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex and she was not sure that it was such a good idea.

"Do you enjoy it?" The doctor asked.

"Actually, yes, I do."

''Does it hurt you?" he asked.

"No. I rather like it."

''Well, then," the doctor continued, 'there's no reason that you shouldn't practice anal sex if that's what you like so long as you take care not to get pregnant.

The woman was mystified. "What? You can get pregnant from anal sex?"

"Of course, "the doctor replied, "Where do you think politicians come from."

[Black Magic]

Irish First Aid.......

A Woman Is Sitting In A Restaurant Suddenly Began To Cough.
After A Few Sconds It Became Apparent That She Was In Real Distress When Two Locals, Paddy & Murphy Sitting At The Next Table Turned To Look At Her.
Kin Ya Swalla? Asked Paddy.
The Woman Signalled 'no' Desperately Shaking Her Head.
Kin Ya Breathe? Asked Murphy.
The Woman Shook Her Head 'no!!!'
With That, Paddy Walked Behind Her, Lifted Up The Back Of Her Dress, Yanked Down Her Knickers & Ran His Tongue Up & Down The Crack Of Her Backside.
This Shocked The Woman Into Such A Violent Spasm That The Obstruction Flew Out Of Her Mouth & She Began To Breathe Again.
Paddy Swaggered Back To His Table And Took A Deep Swig Of His Beer.
Murphy Said In Admiration " Ya Know Paddy, I'd Heard Of That Bloody Hind-lick Manoeuvre, But That's The First Time I Ever Saw Somebody Do It!

[seiko1]

Tasmanian couple walking out of the divorce court, the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for fuck's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

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My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not fucking listening'

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Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

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I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

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Today an Abbo was found nailed to a tree, stabbed six times and shot twice.

Redfern police said it's the worst case of suicide they had ever seen.

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A female al-quaeda terrorist was found dead today in her bathroom. Police believe she got her

anthrax mixed up with her tampax and blew up the wrong c##t.

===============================================================



Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos. She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

===============================================================



Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you fucker'. He replied casually,

'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'Fuck off it'll be too painful',

[Black Magic]

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and

walks down the isle backwards, gets in the car and fucks off.

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and
then throws the milk away...

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM
You have two cows.
You sell one and buy a bull.
Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows.
You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM (????)
You have two giraffes.
The government requires you to take harmonica lessons

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk
of four cows.
Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow
has dropped dead.

THE ANDERSEN MODEL (???)
You have two cows.
You shred them.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are.
You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You count them again and learn you have 42 cows.
You count them again and learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of
vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION
You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you.
You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You have 300 people milking them.
You claim that you have full employment, and high
bovine productivity.

You arrest the newsman who reported the real
situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION
Everyone thinks you have lots of cows.
You tell them that you have none.
No-one believes you, so they invade your
country.
You still have no cows, but at least now you are part
of a Democracy....

A SPANISH CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Your cousin is jealous and wants one, so he starts a
civil war over it!

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION
You have two cows.
The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION
You have two cows.
Business seems pretty good.
You close the office and go for a few beers to
celebrate.

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[shinnynoggon]

The Secret of a Happy Marriage

My wife and I have the secret to making a marriage last. Twice a week we go to a nice restaurant, have some good food, a little wine and companionship, she goes Tuesday and I go Friday.
We sleep in separate beds, hers in Sydney mine in Melbourne. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back, I asked her where she wanted to go for our anniversary, "somewhere I haven't been for a long time" she said, so I suggested the Kitchen!. We always hold hands, If I let go "she shops", She has an electric blender an electric toaster and an electric bread maker, when she said she had to many gadgets but nowhere to sit down, I bought her an electric chair!. Remember that marriage is the number one cause of divorce, statistically 100% of all divorces started with marriage. I married Miss right, I just didn't know that her first name was ALWAYS!. I haven't spoken to her in 18 months I don't like to interrupt her. The last time we had a fight it was my fault, she asked "What's on the TV? I said "Dust".
In the beginning God created the earth and rested, then God created man and rested, then God created woman and since then "Neither God nor man has rested!!!!.

[Black Magic]

Wife came home one day to find her husband stalking around the kitchen with the fly swatter in his hand.

"What are you doing?" she asks.

"Killing flies" says he.

"Got many yet?" she asks

"Yep, three males and two females" says he.

"o....kay" says she, "how can you tell the difference?"

"Well three were on a beer can and two were on the phone".

[Black Magic]

An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe, when an American tourist, chewing gum sat down next to him.
The Australian politely ignored the American, who nevertheless started up a conversation.

The American snapped the gum in his mouth and said, 'Do you Australian folks eat the whole loaf?'

The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast and replied, 'Yeah, of course'.

The American blew a huge bubble.

'We don't. In the States we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia. '
The American had a smirk on his face, the Australian listened in silence.
The American persisted, 'D'ya eat jam with the bread?'

Sighing, the Australian replied 'yes'.

Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, 'We don't. In the States we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, we put all the peels, seeds and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia'.

The Australian then asked, 'Do you have sex in the States?'

The American smiled and said, 'Yeah, of course we do.'

The Australian leant closer to him and asked, 'What do you do with the condoms once you've used them?'

'We throw them away of course' replied the American.

Now it was the Australian's turn to smile.

'We don't. In Australia, we put them in containers, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States and that's why it's called 'Wrigley's'

[Black Magic]

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation, get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning, though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words.

She says, "I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on behalf of the innocent." They throw the switch and nothing happens.
They all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The second one, a brunette is strapped in and gives her last words. "I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent."
They throw the switch and again, nothing happens.
Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one (you knew it), a blonde is strapped in and says, "Well, I'm from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering and I'll tell ya right now, ya'll ain't gonna electrocute nobody if you don't plug this thing in.

[laidback]

Have missed BM's jokes so passing one on..

Ever wondered about Guts or Balls...

There is a medical distinction. We've all heard about people having guts or balls, but do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions are listed below:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys, being met by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask: ''Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?''

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys, smelling of perfume and beer,
lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the arse and having the balls to say: ''You're next, fatty.''

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking, there is no difference in the outcome,
since both ultimately result in death.

[waynemorgan]

Was thinking about this thread yesterday actually......

A woman goes to a pharmasist and says "I want some cynide to kill my cheating husband".

The pharmasist says "Are you crazy?? I can't sell you cynide to go and comit murder - get out of here"

The woman pulls out a photo of her husband in bed with the pharmasists's wife and hands it to him. He responds "you silly cow - why didn't you tell me you had a prescription.........."

[seiko1]

Why Parents Drink

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick one day. Needing to have an urgent problem with one of the main computers resolved, he dialled the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. ' Hello ? '

'Is your daddy home?' he asked.

' Yes ,' whispered the small voice.
May I talk with him?'

The child whispered, ' No .'

Surprised and wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, 'Is your Mummy there?' ' Yes '

'May I talk with her?' Again the small voice whispered, ' No '

Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

' Yes , ' whispered the child, ' a policeman . '

Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the policeman?'

' No, he's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

' Talking to Daddy and Mummy and the Ambulance Rescue man, ' came the whispered answer.

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background through the earpiece on the phone, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' A helicopter ' answered the whispering voice..

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive. Again, whispering, the child answered,

' The search team just landed a helicopter '

Alarmed, concerned and a little frustrated the boss asked, 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle...

' ME . '

[waynemorgan]

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight," the boy replied.

The man continued, "do you know what these are used for?"

The boy replied, "not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either."

[laidback]

Bath in Holy Water

It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.

Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

'Oh, sister,' said the young nun dreamily, 'I've been saved.'

'Saved? And how did that come about?' asked the old nun.

'Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.'

'Did he now?' said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, 'And Father John said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.'

'Is that a fact?' said the old nun even more evenly.

'At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.'

'That wicked old S*d, said the old nun. 'He told me it was Gabriel's Horn, and I've been blowing it for 40 years

[DMonkey]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot
as a Christmas gift..
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the
gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
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I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.
'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.
So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were

in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'
And that's when the fight started....
************************************************************************
I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started......
*********************************************************************

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my
order first..
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's when the fight started.....
************************************************************************



My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping
the channels.
She asked, 'What's on TV?'
I said, 'Dust.'
And then the fight started...

======================================================================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming
anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to
200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.
And then the fight started...

====================================================================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school
reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as
she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend...
I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and
I hear she hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

===========================================================

I rear-ended a car this morning.. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know
how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem
funny?
Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted,
'I AM NOT HAPPY!'
So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And then the fight started...

============================================================================

THE BROKEN LAWN MOWER

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife
kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.
But, somehow I always had something else to take care of
first, the truck, the car, playing golf '
Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When
I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass,
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the
house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed
her a toothbrush. I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass,
you might as well sweep the driveway.'

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.

[seiko1]

Buddhist walks up to a hotdog vendor and say's
Make me one with everything