BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Why men don't write advice columns



The Letter


Dear Walter,

I hope you can help me here. The other day, I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching the TV as usual. I hadn't driven more than a mile down the road when the engine conked out and the car shuddered to a halt. I walked back home to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter. I am 32, my husband is 34, and the neighbor's daughter is 22. We have been married for ten years.

When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted that they had been having an affair for the past six months. I told him to stop or I would leave him. He was let go from his job six months ago and he says he has been feeling increasingly depressed and worthless. I love him very much, but ever since I gave him the ultimatum he has become increasingly distant. He won't go to counseling and I'm afraid I can't get through to him anymore.

Can you please help?

Sincerely,
Sheila
__________________________________________________

The Reply


Dear Sheila:

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.

I hope this helps.

Walter

[Lone Wolf]

[Black Magic]

CLEAN jokes? Can't be!!!


A little boy went up to his father and asked: ‘Dad, where did my intelligence come from?’ The father replied. ‘Well, son, you must have got it from your mother, cause I still have mine.’

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Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully,' the divorce Court Judge said, 'And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week,' 'That's very fair, your honor,' the husband said. 'And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.'

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A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, 'I don't like the looks of your wife at all.' 'Me neither doc,' said the husband. 'But she's a great cook and really good with the kids.'

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An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you.' The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

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Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder:

1. The DNA all matches.

2. There are no dental records.
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A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, 'Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City?' The agent replies, 'Just a minute.' 'Thank you,' the blonde says, and hangs up.
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Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez. 'How was he killed?' asked one detective... 'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied. 'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?' 'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan..'
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A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling. 'I'm O. K. but I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered. 'What did he say,' asked the nurse. 'Oops!'
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While shopping for vacation clothes, my husband and I passed a display of bathing suits. It had been at least ten years and twenty pounds since I had even considered buying a bathing suit, so sought my husband's advice. 'What do you think?' I asked. 'Should I get a bikini or an all-in-one?' 'Better get a bikini,' he replied. 'You'd never get it all in one.' He's still in intensive care.
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The graveside service just barely finished, when there was massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, accompanied by even more thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, 'Well, she's there.'

[robracer]

love em short & sweet

[ty]

[Black Magic]

love em short & sweet

Yep, sometimes they are a little long-winded to read (but usually worth it in the end! )

[badinov]

Just got my daily laughs
Thanks BM.

[Black Magic]

Just got my daily laughs
Thanks BM.

Always happy to make someone smile!

[photomike666]

"Sunshine on my shoulders, doesn't matter...
A bundy in the morning gets me high...
Wankin in the arvo makes me arm sore....
But a blow job, almost always makes me smile"

[Black Magic]

"Sunshine on my shoulders, doesn't matter...
A bundy in the morning gets me high...
Wankin in the arvo makes me arm sore....
But a blow job, almost always makes me smile"

[Black Magic]

''I’m getting a divorce,'' said Jack to his mate, Bill. ‘The wife hasn’t spoken with me for six months.''
Bill thought for a moment and then replied,’ Just make sure you know what you’re doing, Jack. Wives like that are hard to find''


Two bachelors, Larry and Frank were out to dinner. The conversation drifted from office, sports to politics and then to cooking. “I got a cook book once” said Larry. “But I couldn’t do anything with it.” “Too much fancy stuff in it, huh?” asked Frank. “You said it, Larry replied, nodding. “Every one of those recipes began the same way: “Take a clean plate…”


One day, Murphy and O'Brien went deer hunting in the woods. They sit in the woods for hours, when suddenly this humongous buck comes into view. With a nice clean shot, O'Brien bangs the buck. They drag it back to camp by the butt, but the antlers keep getting stuck. Another hunter says, "You guys should drag it by the antlers. It won't get stuck." They do, and Murphy yells, "Hey, he was right. He is not getting stuck." O'Brien replies, "Yeah, but we're getting farther away from camp."

[Black Magic]

A Vietnamese Doctor says "Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in 6 weeks"

A German Doctor says "That is nothing we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks"

A Russian Doctor says "In My country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart out of one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks"

The Australian Doctor, not to be outdone, says "You guys are way behind. We recently took a man with no brains out of Queensland, put him in Canberra for one year and now half the country is looking for work"!

[Nelso]

HILLBILLY DIVORCE

A hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.. The lawyer said, 'How can I help you?'

The farmer replied, 'I want to get one of them dayvorces.'

The lawyer said, 'Do you have any grounds?'

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got 40 acres.'

The lawyer said, 'No, No, you don't understand. Do you have a suit?

The farmer replied, 'Yes, I got a suit. I wears it to church on Sundays.'

The lawyer said, 'No, no, I mean, do you have a case?'

The farmer replied, 'No, I ain't got a Case, but I got a John Deere.

The lawyer said, 'No, I mean, do you have a grudge?'

The farmer replied,'Yes, I got a grudge, that's where I parks the John Deere.'

The lawyer said, 'Does your wife beat you up or something?'

The farmer replied, 'No, we both get up at 4:30..'

By now the lawyer is getting frustrated but tries one last question. The lawyer said, 'Is your wife a nagger?'



The farmer said, 'No, she's a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that's why I wants a dayvorce.'

[Black Magic]

Don't shoot the messenger- just passing on the smiles.....

A young aboriginal girl was getting married and her mother said "I'd better have a talk with you before you get married".

"Yeah mum, what do you want to talk about?" the young aboriginal girl asks.

"Well, on the night you get married, your husband is gonna want to put his most prized possession where you pee" the mother says

The daughter replies "why the f*ck would he want to put his thongs in the sink?"

[Black Magic]

Soooooo bad that I just HAD to post it......
(cmon guys, I think I need some help- the quality of the jokes is diminishing here)

A new nurse at a hospital was perplexed by Dr. Smith’s behavior. Off and on throughout her shift Dr. Smith would run up and down the hallway, yelling, “Tetanus, measles, flu”!
Very curious, the nurse asked the head nurse, “Why does Dr. Smith keep doing that?” “Oh, just ignore him,” the head nurse said.
”He thinks he calls all the shots around here.”