BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[dutchy]

How is a Honda like a Porcupine?

Both have pricks on thier backs!!

[Nelso]

Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.

Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....

"Herman, you know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"

She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,

"Herman, remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"

Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,

"Herman, that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"

Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, She said, "Herman, remember that blow job I promised you?"

"Here it comes."

[Nelso]

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation.


The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"


The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids.

But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."


TheYellow Lab said, "So

what is the vet going to do?"


"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."



The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked,"why are you here?"


The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole < si>

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.


"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too", the dejected Black Lab said.



The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked,

"Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Yellow Lab said.

"I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."



The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Yellow Lab said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped."

[Nelso]

Little Johnny was in the classroom bored to the back teeth on a Friday afternoon, and the teacher decided to have a game for the kids to get them thinking.

'Okay class. Now I'm going to say a famous quote, and the first person to tell me who said that quote, can have Monday off' said the teacher.

'Who is credited with writing the phrase 'To be or not to be, That is the question,' asked the teacher.
Little Pham Lam Nguyen at the front of the class called out, 'Shakespeare'.
'Well done!' said the teacher, 'You can have Monday off.
'No thank you Miss. I am of Vietnamese origin and it is in our culture to study as hard as we can, so I will be here on Monday studying hard,' said Little Pham Lam Nguyen.
'Well okay,' said the teacher.

The next quote is, 'I had a dream!
' Little Fri Sum Kat also at the front yelled out 'I bereiva it was Martin Ruther King!'
'Well done!' said the teacher. 'You can have Monday off' 'No thanka you miss. I am of
Chinese oligin and we also do not take time offa school. Education is evelything to us, so I will be in on Monday studying hard too,' said little Fri Sum Kat. 'Okay,' said the teacher.

Then she heard a voice from the back of the classroom, 'F#^*ing > Asians!'
'Who said that?' yelled the teacher in an angry tone..
'Pauline Hanson!' yelled little Johnny. 'See ya Tuesday!!!!

[Nelso]

One day a guy died and found himself in hell. As he was wallowing in despair, he had his first meeting with a demon.

The demon asked, 'Why so glum?'



The guy responded, 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

'Hell's not so bad,' the demon said. 'We actually have a lot of fun down here. You a drinking man?'

'Sure,' the man said, 'I love to drink.'



'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet Tab and Fresca. We drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!'



The guy is astounded. 'Damn, that sounds great.'

'You a smoker?' the demon asked.

'You better believe it!'

'You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out! . If you get cancer, no biggie You're already dead, remember?'

'Wow, the guy said, 'that's awesome!'

The demon continued. 'I bet you like t o gamble.'

'Why yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

'Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps, blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, well, you're dead anyhow. You into drugs?'

The guy said, 'Are you kidding? I love drugs! You don't mean . . .'



'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack, or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want, you're dead, who cares!'

'Wow,' the guy said, starting to feel better about his situation, 'I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

The demon said, 'You gay?'

'No.'

'Ooooh, you're gonna hate Fridays!'

[Nelso]

A SHORT LOVE STORY

A man and a woman who had never met before,
but who were both married to other people,
found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a trans-continental train.


Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,
they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,.......... 'Ma'am,

I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket?

I'm awfully cold.'

'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight,...... let's pretend that we're married.'

'Wow!...................... That's a great idea!', he exclaimed.

'Good,' she replied. .............'Get your own fucking blanket.'


After a moment of silence, ......................he farted.


THE END.

[Black Magic]

An Irish woman of advanced age visited her physician to ask his advice in reviving her husband's libido.

What about trying Viagra?' asked the doctor.

'Not a chance', she said. 'He won't even take an aspirin.'

'Not a problem,' replied the doctor. 'Give him an 'Irish Viagra'. It's when you drop the Viagra tablet into his coffee. He won't even taste it. Give it a try and call me in a week to let me know how things went.'

It wasn't a week later when she called the doctor, who directly inquired as to her progress.

The poor dear exclaimed, 'Oh, faith, be thunder and lightnin’ and begorrah, t'was horrid, just terrible doctor!'

Really, what happened?' asked the doctor.

Well I did as you advised and slipped it in his coffee and the effect was almost immediate. He jumped straight up with a twinkle in his eye and with his pants a-bulging fiercely! With one swoop of his arm he sent me, cups and tablecloth flying, ripped me clothes to tatters and took me then and there passionately on the tabletop! It was a nightmare, I tell you, an absolute nightmare!'

Why so terrible?' asked the doctor, 'Do you mean the sex your husband provided wasn't good?'

'Feckin hell, 'twas the best sex I've had in 25 years! But sure as I'm sittin’ here, I'll never be able to show me face in that coffee shop again!'

[ZXR750]

A mother took her five-year-old son with her to the bank during busy lunchtime.

They got behind a very fat woman wearing a business suit complete with a pager. The little boy observed loudly, "Gee, she's fat!"

The mother bent down and whispered in the little boy's ear to be quiet.

A couple of minutes passed by and the little boy spread his hands as far as they would go and announced; "I'll bet her butt is this wide!"

The fat woman turns around and glares at the little boy. The mother gave him a good telling off, and told him to be quiet. After a brief wait, the large woman reached the front of the line. Just then her pager began to sound a “beep, beep, beep”.

The little boy yelled out, "Run for your life, she's backing up!

[Nelso]

A drunk staggers into a Catholic Church, enters a confessional booth,

sits down, but says nothing.

The Priest coughs a few times to get his attention, but the drunk

continues to sit there.

Finally, the Priest pounds three times on the wall.

The drunk mumbles, 'Ain't no use knockin, there's no paper on this side

either.'

[Nelso]

A man who had a little too much to drink is driving home from the city one night and, of course, his car is weaving violently all over the road.

A cop pulls him over. 'So,' says the cop to the driver,'where have ya been?'

'Why, I've been to the pub of course,' slurs the drunk.

'Well,' says the cop, 'it looks like you've had quite a few to drink this evening.'

'I did all right,' the drunk says with a smile.

'Did you know,' says the cop, standing straight, and folding his arms across his chest,'that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?'

'Oh, thank heavens,' sighs the drunk. 'for a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.'

[Black Magic]

DUE TO RECENT BUDGET CUTS AND THE RISING COST OF ELECTRICITY, GAS AND OIL THE LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL HAS BEEN TURNED OFF.

WE APOLOGIZE FOR THE INCONVENIENCE.

Kevin 07

[Black Magic]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you’re getting your birds mixed up 'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach

[luis kawi]

The teacher was telling the kids about the birds and the bees and she explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest.

Little Johnny at the back of the class put his hand up and asks the teacher, are you sure about the stork, miss?
I think you’re getting your birds mixed up 'Cos my big sister just got a little baby and she said it was from a shag at the beach

LOLOL

[Black Magic]

1. The U.S. has revealed a new weapon that destroys people but keeps the building standing. It’s called the stock market.

2. Do you have any idea how cheap stocks are? Wall Street is now being called WAL MART Street.

3. The difference between a pigeon and an investment banker is that the pigeon can still make a deposit on a BMW.

4. What's the difference between a guy who lost everything in Las Vegas and an investment banker who has lost everything? A suit & tie!

5. The problem with an investment bank balance sheet is that on the left side nothing's right, and on the right side nothing's left.

6. I want to warn people from Nigeria. If you get any emails from Washington asking for money, don't fall for it as it's a scam!

7. What worries me most about the current credit crunch is that, if one of my checks is returned stamped 'insufficient funds', I won't know whether that refers to *mine* or the *bank's!*

[Black Magic]

A guy goes to his doctor. "Doc, I'm having trouble in the bedroom. I just can't get into it with my wife any more."

The doctor replies "I used to have that problem and I found a solution. Here's what I do: I get off work. I run down to my car. I drive as fast as I can, swerving and changing lanes. I drive into the garage, slam on the brakes, kick the door in, grab my wife and rip her clothes off. Works every time. You should try it."

The guy says "I will give it a shot" He comes back a week later and the doctor says "How'd it go."

The guy says "It worked! I did just what you told me and I have never been so turned on! By the way, nice house!"