BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

This one cracked me up-
Two for the price of one.....

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them, "Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up."

"Sure," they said, "You're welcome." So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of the newcomer. Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"

"I'm a hit man," was the reply.

"You're joking!" was the response.

"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling out a beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight. "Here are my tools."

"That's a beautiful telescopic sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look? I think I might be able to see my house from here." So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I can see right in the window." "Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!! Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her...... He's naked, too!!!

He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"

"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I pull the trigger."

"Can you do two for me now?"

"Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in the mouth."

"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his pecker off to teach him a lesson."

The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly still for a few minutes.

"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save you a grand here.. "

[6maniac]

[matt76]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are going through divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.....



Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

[photomike666]

It's a very sad world we live in when Sir Paul McCartney and his wife are going through divorce and all anyone seems to want to do is make jokes about her false leg.....



Personally, I think it's prosthetic.

Mate, if you don't mine me saying, I think that joke's a bit wooden.

[Black Magic]

Oh dear- better pick up the pace here......

A crusty old biker, with bugs in his teeth, on a summer ride in the country, walks into a tavern and sees a sign hanging over the bar which reads:



CHEESEBURGER: $1.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $2.50
HAND JOB: $1000.




Checking his wallet for the necessary payment, he walks up to the bar and beckons to the exceptionally attractive female bartender serving drinks to a meagre looking group of farmers.


'Yes?' she inquires with a knowing smile, 'can I help you?


'I was wondering,' whispers the old biker, 'are you the young lady who gives the hand-jobs?'


'Yes,' she purrs, 'I am.'


The old biker replies, 'Well wash your hands, I want a cheeseburger.”

[6maniac]

Ahh - a return to sanity after the madness of the last few hours !

[Black Magic]

Bob went to the doctors suffering a problem with his manhoodbut was reluctant to show the doctor his problem.

"You will just laugh at me" he said shyly.

The Doctor replied 'Of course I won't laugh, I'm a professional. In over twenty years I've never laughed at a patient.'

'Okay then,' Bob said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'whoo-ha' the doctor had ever seen. It couldn't have been bigger than the size of a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell laughing to the floor. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his
feet and regain his composure.

'I'm so sorry,' said the doctor. 'I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?'

'It's swollen,' Bob replied.

[luis kawi]

thanks for the "hang" joke BM

[luis kawi]

Sorry to hijack your thread BM but i owe you one



A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, 'I have a headache.

'Perfect,' her husband said.'

I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with crushed aspirin.

You can take it orally,or as a suppository, it's up to you.'

[luis kawi]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender. "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congratulations him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house!"

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesnt take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."


Ill better stop before i get banned...

[luis kawi]

ouuch

The Bank Robbery


A man walks in to a bank and gets into line. When it is his turn he pulls out a gun and robs the bank, he then turns to the man behind him and asks "did you see me here?" The man says "Yes", and the bank robber shoots him in the head. The robber walks up to a couple and asks the man "Did you see me here?"; the man replies "No, but my wife did."

[luis kawi]

Subject: A very good excuse

A senior citizen drove his brand new BMW Z3 convertible out of the car salesroom. Taking off down the motorway, he floored it to 160kmph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.

'Amazing!' he thought as he flew down the M40, enjoying pushing the pedal to the metal even more.

Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. 'I can get away from him - no problem!' thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 180kmph, then 220, then 240kmph.

Suddenly, he thought, 'What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!' So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.

Pulling in behind him, the police officer walked up to the driver's side of the BMW, looked at his watch and said, 'Sir, my shift ends in 10 minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go.'

The man, looked very seriously at the policeman, and replied, 'Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman. I thought you were bringing her back.'


'Have a good day, Sir,' said the policeman.

[Black Magic]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender. "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congratulations him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house!"

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesnt take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."


Ill better stop before i get banned...

ROFL.Love that one!

BTW- I don't think it's possible to get banned from here luis. You don't even get banned on here if you own a Honda! (And that is a WAY worse joke than any of these! )

[luis kawi]

A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender. "Give me 5 shots of Jack!"

The bartender asks "Are you having a bad day?"

The guy replies, "Nope, I'm celebrating my first blowjob!"

The bartender congratulations him and says, "Well in that case, let me give you a beer on the house!"

The guy replies, "No thanks, if this doesnt take the taste out of my mouth, nothing will."


Ill better stop before i get banned...

ROFL.Love that one!


BTW- I don't think it's possible to get banned from here luis. You are even alowwed on here if you own a Honda!

yeah i know thank you, the ban was just a joke. have new ones every day, ill post one per day so you dont get tired of it

[Black Magic]

John O’Reilly hoisted his beer and said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, between the legs of me wife!”
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night.

He went home and told his wife, Mary, “I won the prize for the Best toast of the night”.
She said, “Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?”
John said, “Here’s to spending the rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife.”
“Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!” Mary said.

The next day, Mary ran into one of John’s drinking buddies on the street corner. The man chuckled leeringly and said, “John won the prize the other night at the pub with a toast about you, Mary.”

She said, “Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he’s only been there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come.”