BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[luis kawi]

not sure if its a repost or not but sures a good one


Birthday Present

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde women in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door, which she closed behind him, and took him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced.

When he had enough, they went downstairs and she fixed him a giant breakfast, eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied, she poured him a cup of coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but whats the dollar for?"

"Well, she said, "Last nite, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." The breakfast was my idea."

[Black Magic]

Mickey and Minnie Mouse are in court where Mickey wants a divorce. The judge is reading through all the documents provided and turns to Mickey and says " I'm sorry sir, I cant grant a divorce just because you think you're wife is stupid". Mickey, with his head in his hands says " I didn't say she was stupid, I said she was fucking Goofy!".

[Nelso]

>> Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidentally dropped
>> some
>> cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up,
>> he
>> noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress!
>> Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on
>> the
>> table and emerged red-faced.
>>
>> Later, Jim went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bob's wife
>> followed and asked, 'Did you see anything that you like under there?'
>> Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that, well indeed he did. She
>> said,
>> 'Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500.'
>>
>> After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
>> this offer, Jim confirms that he is interested.
>>
>> Sue told him that since her husband Bob worked Friday afternoons and
>> Jim
>> didn't, Jim should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.
>>
>> When Friday rolled around, Jim showed up at Bob's house at 2 p.m. sharp
>> and
>>
>> after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 - they went to the bedroom and
>> closed their transaction, as agreed.
>>
>> Jim quickly dressed and left.
>>
>> As usual, Bob came home from work at 6 p.m. And upon arriving, asked
>> his
>> wife: 'Did Jim come by the house this afternoon?'
>>
>> With a lump in her throat Sue answered 'Why yes, he did stop by for a
>> few
>> minutes this afternoon.' Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her
>> husband
>> curtly asked, 'And did he give you $500?'
>>
>> Sue, using her best poker face, replied, 'Well, yes, in fact he did
>> give
>
>> me
>>
>> $500.'
>>
>> Bob, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
>> 'He
>> came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised
>> he'd
>>
>> stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.'
>>
>> Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player.
>>

[Black Magic]

Hooker......

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide she'll become a hooker. She's not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, "Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you've got a question, I'll be parked around the corner."

She's not there five minutes when a guy pulls up and says, "How much?" She says, "A hundred dollars."

"Shit. All I've got is thirty," he replied with disgust.

"Hold on just a second." She runs back to Harry and says, "What can he get for thirty dollars?"

"Hmm... for only $30, a handjob is all he can get."

She runs back and tells the guy all he gets for thirty dollars is a handjob.

He says okay, and she gets in the car, he unzips his pants, and out pops a simply HUGE male unit. She stares at it for a minute, and then says, "I'll be right back."

She runs back around the corner and says breathlessly, "Harry, can you loan this guy seventy bucks?"

[Black Magic]

ANOTHER GOOD REASON NOT TO DRINK TOO MUCH


A normal man walks into a bar one night. He sits down to order himself a few shots. Taking the last shot he notices a jar full of $100 bills. He asks the bartender "what's with the jar?"
The bartender says "it's a contest."

The man then asks him, "what do I have to do to win all that money?" Thinking this is going to be easy, forgetting how much he had already drank. The bartender tells him well you have to put $100 bucks in. So the man drops a $100 bucks in and says "all right leme hear it."

The bartender then explains what he has to do.
"First, see that bouncer over there? You have to knock him out in one punch." The man thinks wow he's huge, himself only being 5'6.

"Second, our owner has a mean pitbull in the back with a loose tooth. You have pull it out in 3 minutes."

"Third, see that old woman 5 seats down from you? Shes been comming here for 40 years and hasn't been laid once. You have to but her a drink and fuck her in one night." The man thinks to himself wow this might be harder than I thought. The bartender then tells him. "Oh and one more thing, go."

The man quickly jumps up, runs over to the bouncer and knocks him out in one punch. He then runs to the back, you hear the dog wailing and the man screaming so loud the whole bar can hear it.

The man then runs out screaming "Now wheres that old lady with the loose tooth!?"

[Black Magic]

One for you to at.....

A father and son live on a farm. One day the father says, "Son
things haven't been going very well and I'm afraid we'll have
to sell your duck. I'm really sorry, but we need the money. I
want you to take the duck to town and bring back the money."

So the son takes the duck and sets off down the road. Halfway
to town he runs into a hooker. She says, "Hey kid, I could show
you a really good time if you're interested." He replies, "I'd
sure like to but all I have to pay with is this duck." "Well,"
she says, "maybe we can work something out."

So they go off into the bushes and the branches are snapping
and feathers flying.
When they come out she is breathless and says, "Wow! That was
incredible! Not bad for a kid. Tell you what, if you can do
that again, I'll give you back your duck."

As you might guess, he's all for that idea. So they return to
the bushes and get it on again. When they are done she is still
amazed at his abilities.
She says to him, "I've got this friend who's husband is a real
loser. He hasn't even been able to get it up in years, let
alone satisfy her when he could. I'm gonna send you to her.
Just let me call ahead."

She calls her friend and tells her,
"You won't believe this kid I'm gonna send over to you. He is
the best I've had in years. He's just what you need."

What none of them know is that the woman's husband is listening
in on the other phone. The kid sets off for the woman's house
and the husband meets him on the road and says, "Look boy, I'll
give you a dollar if you just turn around now and forget all
about my wife." Not being the brightest kid, he agrees and
turns back for home.

His father see's him coming back down the road and the duck is
still under his arm. He knows his boy is dumb but the
instructions were easy!! He says, "Son, what the hell happened?
I told you to go to town and sell the duck!!"

"Dad," he says, "You wouldn't believe the day I've had! First,
I got a fuck for the duck, then I got the duck for a fuck then
I got a buck to duck a fuck and I still have the fucking
duck!!"

[luis kawi]

Soundguy is my new umbrella "girl"

[SoundGuy]

Hey bugger that ! Thats not a Kawasaki !!

[hoffy]

Is that Pedrosa ??

[Black Magic]

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules: "I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that won't be home for dinner. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?"
His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night... whether you're here or not."

******************************************************************************

Marriage (Part II)
Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,
Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever.'
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, " Here Lies My Husband Stiff At Last."



********************************************************************************

Marriage (Part III)
Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in bed either," and storms out of the house.
After sometime he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?"
She says, "I was in bed."
" In bed this early, doing what?"
" Getting a second opinion!"



********************************************************************************

Marriage (Part IV)
A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,
" Mother of Six" inspite of her objections.
One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of six?"
His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion shouts right back,
" Anytime you're ready, Father of Four."

[Black Magic]

Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.

The Coroner tells the Inspector: 'First body: An Italian , 60, died
Of heart failure while with his mistress. Hence the enormous smile.'

'Second body: 'Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the
Lottery, spent it all on whiskey, died of alcohol poisoning, hence the
Smile.'

The Inspector asked, 'What of the third body?'

'Ah,' says the coroner, 'This is the most unusual one. Danny O,Neil, Irish,
30, struck by lightning.'

'Why is he smiling then?' inquires the Inspector.

'Thought he was having his picture taken'.

[Black Magic]

Aprilia advert....

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=R-TxLyAvhP0

[6maniac]

Would have needed a bucket if it was a Kwaka ad !

[6maniac]

One for the guys...

http://www.mirrored.flabber.nl/boob.cur ... jcycka.swf

[robracer]

almost got caught out with that one as the missus walked past