BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Hope this doesn't offend anyone, and if it does you are welcome to post up another blonde joke in a futile attempt to offend me

Long but worth the read.....



Wus da night afo' Crizzmus, and all thru da hood, everybody be sleepin' and da sleepin' be good.
We hunged up our stockins, an hoped like all heck dat dear Ol' Obama's, gunna brang us our checks.

All of da family was ly'in on the flow, my sister wif her gurlfriend, and my brother wif some hoe.
Ashtrays was all full , empty beer cans and all when I heared such a fuss, I thunk...."Sh'eet, it must be da law".

I pulled the sheet off da windoe and what I'ze could see, I was spectin' the sherrif, wif a warrent fo' me.
But what did I see, made me say, "Laaawd look at dat". dere was a huge watermelon, pulled by 8 big-ass rats.

Now over all of da years, Santy Claws he be white but it looks like us brotha's, got a black un' tonight.
Faster than a poe'lice car, my homeboy he came and whupped up on dem rats, as he called dem by name.

On Biden, On Jessie, On Polosi and Hillary Who, On Fannie, On Freddi, On Ayers, and Slick Willy too.
Obama landed dat melon, right there in da street, I knowed it fo' sho', - can you believe that Sh'eet!.

Dat Santy didn't need no chimney, he picked da lock on my doe, an I sez to myself, "Son o' bitch...he don did dis befoe"!
He had a big bag, full of presents - at first I suspeck? Wif "Air Jordans" and fake gold, to wear roun my neck.

But he left me no presents, just started stealin my shit. He got my guns and my crack, and my new burglers kit.
Den, wif my crap in his bag, out da windoe he flew, I sho' woulda shanked him, be he snagged my knife too.

He jumped back on dat melon, wif out even a hitch and waz gone in two seconds, "democrat son of a bitch".
So nex year I be hopin', a white Santy we git, 'cause a black Santy Claws, just ain't worf a shit !!!!

[Nelso]

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out.
Both were very faithful and loving wives, however
They had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi
Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to
Pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
She would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive
Pair of panties and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave
That had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she
Proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business they proceeded to
Go home.

The next day one of the woman's husband was concerned
That his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over,
So he phoned the other husband and said:
'These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst.
My wife came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing' said the other husband,
'Mine came back with a card stuck to her arse that
Said..

'From all of us at the Fire Station.
We'll never forget you.''

[Nelso]

A lady dies and goes to heaven, She's chatting it up with St. Peter
at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams.

Don't worry about that," says St. Peter,"It's only someone
having the holes put into her shoulder blades for wings."

The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with
the conversation.

Ten minutes later, there are more blood curdling screams.

"Oh my God," says the old lady, "now what is happening?"

"Not to worry," says St. Peter, "She's just having her head
drilled to fit the halo."

"I can't do this," says the old lady, "I'm going to hell."

"You can't go there,"says St. Peter. "You'll be raped and taken
advantage of."

"Maybe so, says the old lady, but I've already got the holes
for that."

[Black Magic]

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse who was rather astounded asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition, but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.

[Black Magic]

A man goes to his doctor for his physical and gets sent to the Urologist as a precaution. When he gets there he discovers the urologist is a very pretty female doctor.

The female doctor says, 'I'm going to check your prostate today but this new procedure is a little different from what you are probably used to.
I want you to lie on your right side, bend your knees, then while I check your prostate take a deep breath and say, 99.

The guy obeys and says, 99! The doctor says, 'Great. Now turn over on your left side and again, while I repeat the check, take a deep breath and say 99.'

Again, the guy says, '99.'

The doctor said, 'Very good. Now then, I want you to lie on your back with your knees raised slightly. I'm going to check your prostate with this hand and with the other hand I'm going to hold on to your penis to keep it out of the way.
Now take a deep breath and say, 99.'

The guy begins, 'One .. Two ... Three'.

"There has got to be some fun with getting older"

[Black Magic]

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: 'Hello'

WOMAN: 'Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?'

MAN: 'Yes'

WOMAN: 'I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?'

MAN: 'Sure, go ahead if you like it that much.'

WOMAN: 'I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2008 Models. I saw one I really liked.'

MAN: 'How much?'

WOMAN: '$90,000'

MAN: 'OK, but for that price I want it with all the options.'

WOMAN: 'Great! Oh, and one more thing...the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000'

MAN: 'Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of $900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand if it's really a pretty good price.'

WOMAN: 'OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!'

MAN: 'Bye! I love you, too.'

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.

He turns and asks: 'Anyone know who this phone belongs to?'

[Black Magic]

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[luis kawi]

COP VS. LITTLE GIRL

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him.
'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'




'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.

The cop said, 'Next year, tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it!'

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Nice horse you've got there, Sir. Did Santa bring it to you?'

Playing along with the girl, he chuckled and answered, 'Yes, he sure did!'

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, 'Next year tell Santa;

The dick goes underneath the horse, not on top!'

[Black Magic]

i love that one Luis- can remember someone sending it to me a while ago

Thank you!

[Nelso]

I read that and thought I'd seen that one before BM.

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[Black Magic]

Might have been a couple of repeats along the way. Have to mend the error of my ways.....

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn't speak very well, but she would write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right..

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, and then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A nephew who arrived late came up to Grandma and said, "Hi, Grandma, you're looking good! How are they treating you?"

Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the nephew...

"Bastards won't let me fart."

[6maniac]

A CAT NAMED LUCKY




I thought this was going to be a heart wrenching story about a cat that got run over by a truck then had to walk 100 miles home after being bitten by a snake.







I was wrong..........

[Black Magic]

Kinda cute aside from the boobies in the way.

[Black Magic]

$50 or $10,000?


A man, his wife, and his mother-in-law go on holiday to the Holy Land. While they are there the mother-in-law dies.

The local undertaker tell this guy, "You can have her shipped home for $10,000, or you can bury her here in the Holy Land for $50.00."
The man thinks for a minute, and tells the undertaker to packer up and ship her home. The undertaker asked, "Why?" Why would you spend $10,000 to ship your mother-in-law home, when it would be wonderful to spend only $50.00?".

The man replied, "A guy died here 2000 years ago, he was buried and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

[luis kawi]

Smart Old Guy....

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend. The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring.
The old man said, "No, I'd like to see something more special." At that statement, The jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.
"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000" the jeweler said. The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.
The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."
The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated, "by check. I know you need to make sure my check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.
Monday morning, the jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."


"I know," said the old man, "But let me tell you about my weekend!