BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[lifeofcrimeguy]

BM... I wish I wish I wish I could post the pharmacology one in my lab, somehow I don't think the higher ups would appreciate it very much.

[Black Magic]

BM... I wish I wish I wish I could post the pharmacology one in my lab, somehow I don't think the higher ups would appreciate it very much.

That's a shame- (maybe I could sneak in and put it up for you! )

You can only imagine what I have put up on the walls at my work!

My boss currently has this on her wall- courtesy of moi.......

[Kenny]

A blonde woman was enjoying a nice drive in the country, when all of a sudden she sees another blonde in a boat, in the middle of an empty paddock rowing.
Angrily she pulls her car over, runs to the fence and starts shouting "Hey you stupid bitch, It's dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, If i could swim i would come out there and puch your head in!"

[Six Addict]

[photomike666]

A blonde woman was enjoying a nice drive in the country, when all of a sudden she sees another blonde in a boat, in the middle of an empty paddock rowing.
Angrily she pulls her car over, runs to the fence and starts shouting "Hey you stupid bitch, It's dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name, If i could swim i would come out there and puch your head in!"

From page 11

I'll make them red and BIG for you Blur.......

...

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat and shouts 'It’s thick fu**wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'....

Your not an Irish blonde are you Kenny?

[Black Magic]

Snow White & The Seven Dwarfs.


The seven dwarfs always left to go work in the mine
early each morning.
As always, Snow White stayed home doing her
domestic chores.
As lunchtime approached, she would prepare their
lunch and carry it to the mine.

One day as she arrived at the mine with the lunch, she saw
that there had been a terrible cave-in.
Tearfully, and fearing the worst, Snow White
began calling out, hoping against hope that the dwarfs had
somehow survived.
'Hello...Hello!' she shouted. 'Can anyone hear me?
Hello!'
For a long while, there was no answer. Losing
hope, Snow White again shouted, 'Hello! Is
anyone down there?'
Just as she was about to give up all hope, she
heard a faint voice from deep within the mine,
singing;
'Vote for Kevin Rudd - Vote for Kevin Rudd!'
Snow White fell to her knees and prayed, 'Oh,
thank you, God! At least Dopey is still alive.

[Black Magic]

The Why's of Men


1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole
and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[Black Magic]

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me. It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate because she never did it when she was near anyone else.

One day this 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister.

Well, I was in total shock and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'

I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door and headed straight towards my car.

Low and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!

With tears in his eyes my father-in-law to be hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'

And the moral of this story is:

ALWAYS keep your condoms in your car.

[Black Magic]

Undesirable upgrade


INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
· NBA 5.0,
· NFL 3.0 and
· Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate.



DEAR DESPERATE,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
· If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program.These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck Babe!

Tech Support

[Black Magic]

No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.
Since a Jewish wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard and makes the following suggestion:
'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you .That will help your wife fantasize and should bring on an orgasm.'

They go home and follow the Rabbi's advice. They hire a handsome young man and he waves a towel over them as they make love. It does not help and the wife is still unsatisfied.
Baffled, they go back to the Rabbi. 'Okay,' he says to the husband, 'Try it reversed. Have the young man make love to your wife and you wave the towel over them'.

Once again, they follow the Rabbi's advice. They go home and hire the same strapping young man. The young man gets into bed with the wife and the husband waves the towel.

The young man gets to work with great enthusiasm and soon she has an enormous, room-shaking, ear-splitting screaming orgasm.

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him proudly.
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.

[Six Addict]

The husband smiles, looks at the young man and says to him proudly.
'See that, you schmuck? THAT'S how you wave a towel.

[luis kawi]

Birds and the Bees

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in.

"Mother, where do badies come from?"

The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, "Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into the bedroom, they kiss and hug and have sex.

The daughter looks puzzled so the mother continues, "That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. Thats how you get a baby, honey. The child seems to comprehend.

"Oh , I see, but the other night when I came into your room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?"

"Jewelry, my dear, Jewelry."

[Six Addict]

a pearl necklace perhaps??

[red_dave]

a he get's peace and quiet

[Black Magic]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
One of them looks at the other's dick and notices there's a Nicorette patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, 'I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your dick.'

The other one replies, 'Well, it's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day.'