BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

"Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

"Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

"Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

"That's great!" says Jeff, "When are you going out?"

"I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped my p*n*s to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show."

"Sensible" says Jeff.

"So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, tiniest dress you ever saw."

"And what happened then?"

(Paul slumps back over the bar again.)

"I kicked her in the face."

[luis kawi]

good ones BM

[Black Magic]

So silly I just HAD to post it......

Three tortoises, Rodney, Roger and Gary, decide to go on a picnic.

Rodney packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches. The trouble is
that the picnic site is ten miles away. So, it takes them ten days to
get
there.

When they get there Rodney unpacks the food and beer.

"Ok Gary give me the bottle opener."

"I didn't bring it," says Gary

"I thought you packed it," Rodney gets worried, He turns to Roger, "Did
you bring the bottle opener?"

Naturally Roger didn't bring it.

So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener. Rodney
and
Roger beg Gary to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will
eat
all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their
tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally
agrees.

So Gary sets off down the road at a stead! y pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Rodney and Roger are starving,
but
a promise is a promise. Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a
promise is a promise.

Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each,
and
just as they are about to eat it, Gary pops up from behind a rock and
shouts..........................





"I KNEW IT!......I'M NOT F*CKING GOING!"

[luis kawi]

heres another one (sorry to hijack your thread again BM ....)



Two old ladies

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It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds. As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies sitting in a used car. He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car. Were they trying to steal it?

"Heavens no, we bought it."

"Then why don't you drive it away."

"We can't drive."

"Then why did you buy it?"

"We were told that if we bought a used car here, we'd get screwed ..... so we're just waiting.

[Black Magic]

:D heres another one (sorry to hijack your thread again BM ....)

Hijack away- I love the input from everyone!

[Nelso]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.

Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St.Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play free, every day.'

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'

The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f....ing bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[Nelso]

A man walks into Myers to purchase some see-through lingerie for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $50 to$150 in price, the more see-through, the higher the price.

He opts for the sheerest item, pays the £150 and takes the lingerie home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks 'I have an idea. It's so see-through that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on - do the modelling naked - return it tomorrow and get a £150 refund and keep the money for myself'.

So she appears naked at the top of the stairs and strikes a pose.

The husband says 'Stone me, it wasn't that creased in the shop'.


His funeral is this Thursday.

[Black Magic]

Sorry the jokes have been a bit slow coming.

Due to the mass destruction that the weather has decided to throw at us in Brisbane I only have internet access at work!

Two to keep you going......

A guy goes to hell and is met by the devil, who explains that the punishments are changed every thousand years and he is to select his own first punishment.

First room has a young guy on the wall being whipped. The new guy is not too keen on this and asks to see the next room. The next room has a middle aged guy being tortured with fire.

The new guy immediately asks to see the third room. It has a really old guy chained to the wall getting a blow job from a gorgeous blonde.

The guy jumps at the chance and takes room #3.

The devil walks into the room, taps the blonde on the shoulder and says
"Ok, you can stop now. You've been relieved."

[Black Magic]

You may not realise that many inanimate objects are actually male or female.......

1. Freezer bags-
They are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

2.Photocopiers-
Female- because once turned off it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproduction device if the right buttons are pushed, but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.

3.Tyres-
Male- because they go bald and are often over-inflated.

4.Hot air balloons-
Male- because to get them to go anywhere you have to light a fire under them, and of course there's the hot air part....

5.Sponges
Female- because they are soft, squeezable and retain water.

6.Web pages-
Female because they are always getting hit on.

7.Trains
Male- because they use the same old lines to pick people up.

8.Egg timers-
Female- because over time the weight shifts to the bottom.

9.Hammers-
Male- because they haven't changed much over the last 5000 years but they are always handy to have around.

10 The remote control-
FEMALE (HA! you thought it would be male!)
It gives man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push he just keeps on trying!

[luis kawi]

Bbq

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Bloke says to his wife "You know you should take better care of yourself as your arse is gettin the size of a 3 burner bbq"
Later on in bed he snuggles up to his wife and says " you fancy a quickie" , wife says
" Whats the point in lighting the bbq for half a f*cking sausage!"

[Black Magic]

[Black Magic]

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
(because they are plugged into a genius)

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
(they don't have enough time)

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
(they don't stop to ask directions)

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
(because their balls fall over their butt-hole
and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)
5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
(so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
(you need a rough draft before you make a final copy)

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
(don't know.....it never happened)

(C'mon guys, we laugh at your blonde jokes!)
And the personal favorite:

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
(because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

[Black Magic]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from, so he says, 'Do you know me?'

To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says,

'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery???'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'!!!!!

[Black Magic]

A man was leaving a convenience store with his morning coffee when he noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back were about 200 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss and I know now is a bad time to disturb you but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'

It’s my wife's.

'What happened to her?'

The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her.'

He enquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'

A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.

'Can I borrow the dog?'

'Get in line.'

[Black Magic]

Two priests are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.

One of them looks over at the other one's p***is and notices there's a Nicoderm patch on it.

He looks at the other priest and says, "I believe you're supposed to put that patch on your arm or shoulder, not your p***s."

The other one replies, "It's working just fine. I'm down to two butts a day."