BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Congrats Wendy.

You have managed to offend females, blacks, muslims, and Tasmanians with one quick post. I recon that would be about 80% of the population.

If you put a little bit of effort in I think you can get the last 20% pissed off too. Kepp it up That was one of the better ones for some time.

Well, if I hadn't removed the two jokes about aboriginals I am sure I would have offended everyone!

No offence to anyone. I am blonde, and a lot of the jokes are blonde jokes. Laugh and the world laughs with you, cry and you cry alone.

[fireyrob]

All around the world women are shaving their pubic hair in support of Obama's presidency. Their message: "read our lips, No More Bush".

[Nelso]

Bruce is driving over the Sydney Harbour Bridge one day when he sees
his girlfriend, Sheila about to throw herself off.

Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, "Sheila, what the hell d'ya
think you're doing?"

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, "G'day Bruce. Ya
got me pregnant and so now I'm gonna kill myself."

Bruce gets a lump in his throat when he hears this.

He says "Strewth Sheila..... Not only are you a great shag, but
you're a real sport too." And drives off.

***************************************************************

There's an Englishman, Irishman & Scotsman all talking about their
teenage daughters.

The Englishman says " I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day
& I found a packet of cigarettes. I was really shocked as I didn't
even know she smokes".

The Scotsman says " That's nothing. I was cleaning my daughter's room
the other day when I came across a half full bottle of Vodka. I was
really shocked as I didn't even know she drank."

With that the Irishman says " Both of you have got nothing to worry
about. I was cleaning my daughter's room the other day when I found
packet of condoms. I was really shocked. I didn't even know she had a
willy."

***************************************************************

A little boy walks into his parent's room to see his mom on top of his
Dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts.



Worried about what her son has seen, she dress's quickly and goes to
find him.

The son sees his mom and asks' "What were you and dad doing?"

The mother replies "Well you know your dad has a big tummy and
sometimes I have to get on top of it to help flatten it."

"Your'e wasting your time." say's the boy.

"Why is that?" asked his mom, puzzled?

"Well when you go shopping the lady next door comes over and gets on
her knees and blows it back up again."

*************************************************

Will Young, Robbie and Kylie went for a night on the town, as they
left the night-club, Kylie slipped and got her head stuck between the
railings of the fence opposite the club.

Robbie decided to take full advantage of this and lifted up her
little skirt, pushed her thong to one side and gave her a good seeing
to. "Its your turn now, Will" grinned Robbie but Will started crying.

Robbie asked "Why are you crying, Will? What's wrong?"

Will sobbed "My head won't fit between the railings"

***************************************************************

A blind man enters a Ladies Bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar
stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells
to the bartender, "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"

The bar immediately falls absolutely quiet. In a very deep, husky
voice, the woman next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, sir,
I think it is just fair - giving that you are blind that you should
know five things:

1 - The bartender is a blonde girl.
2 - The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3 - I'm a 6 feet tall, 220 lb. blonde woman with a black belt in
karate.
4 - The woman sitting next to me is blonde and is a
professional weight lifter.
5 - The lady to your right is a blonde
and is a professional wrestler.

Now think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that
joke?

The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head, and declares,
"Nah. Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

One for the women in our lives, aging Mildred was a 93-year-old woman
who was particularly despondent over the recent death of her husband
Earl. She decided that she would just kill herself and join him in
death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took
out Earl's old Army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in
the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place. Not
wanting to miss the vital organ and become a vegetable and burden to
someone, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly
where the heart would be.

"On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your
left breast."

Later that night, Mildred was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot
wound to her knee.

[Nelso]

Well, what should I do?", asks the man.

"Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd Hold your
wife's breast."

Taking the advice, he takes a swing, and POW! He hits the Ball 250 yards
straight up the fairway. The ecstatic man goes back to his wife with the
good news, and the wife can't wait for her lesson.

The next day the wife goes for her lesson. The pro watches Her swing and
says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard."

"What can I do?" asks the wife.

"Hold the club gently, just like you'd hold your husband's penis."

The wife listens carefully to the pro's advice, takes a Swing, and THUMP
-- the ball skips down the fairway about 15 feet.

"You know, that was a lot better than I expected," the pro says. "Now,
take the club out of your mouth and hold it in your Hands..."

[Nelso]

"You know what?", says the 7 year old, "I think it's about time we
started swearing".
The 4 year old nods his head in approval.
When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna swear first, then you
swear after me, ok?"
"Ok" the 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm.
The mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 7 year old what he
wants for breakfast.
"Oh, sh*t mum, I guess I'll have some Coco Pops.."
WHACK!! He flew out of his chair, tumbled across the kitchen floor,
got up, and ran upstairs crying his eyes out.
She looked at the 4 year old and asked with a stern voice, "And what do
you want for breakfast, young man?"
"I don't know," he blubbers, "but it won't be fucking Coco Pops."

[Black Magic]

Loved the last one and the gunshot wound to the knee Nelso!

Thanks!

[Black Magic]

Rudd, Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling, 'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy .'

Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The Raffie pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make twenty-one million people happy.'

[luis kawi]

thanks for sharing everyone. BM. your jokes are great Keep them coming please.

[Black Magic]

thanks for sharing everyone. BM. your jokes are great Keep them coming please.

One for you luis kawi-


A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes.

The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next thing the guy knows, he's in a bedroom in a golf-course mansion, surrounded by 50 beautiful women.

After he makes love to all of them, he begins to explore this fabulous house.
Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.

Then, there's a knock at the door. He answers it and standing there are two persons dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and hang him by the neck until he's dead.

As the Klansmen are walking away, they remove their hoods. It's the two blonde genies.
One blonde genie says to the other one, 'I can understand the first wish. having all those beautiful women in a big mansion to make love to.
I can also understand him wanting to be a millionaire.
But why he wanted to be hung like a black man is beyond me!!

[Nelso]

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from theBedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband naked on the bed, sweating andPanting.

"What's up?" she asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as she's dialing, her
Four-year-old son comes up and says, "Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Susan is hiding in yourCloset, and she's got no clothes on!"

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bed room, rightPast her husband, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is herSister, totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

"You rotten bitch," she screams.

"My husband's having a heart attack, and you're running around naked scaring the Kids!"

[Nelso]

Murphy calls in to see his mate Paddy who has a broken leg.
Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate, could you nip upstairs and get me slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Da' sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!".
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

[Nelso]

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions,
Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.
This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.
Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer.
Make that Victoria Bitter!"
The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher.
The genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances.
Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo!
Now we're going to have to piss in the boat."

[waynemorgan]

Warning for shoppers:

Be aware that there is a scam being repeated in the supermarket carpark. Two blonds approach you as you prepare to leave and ask for a lift. They then climb into the back of your car and start kissing before undressing and going down on each other. Then one climbs into the front seat and offers you a blowjob. While she's giving the blowjob the other girls steals your wallet. Then they leave.

I've had my wallet stolen on Tuesday, Wednesday, twice on Thursday and again on Saturday.

______________________________________________________________________________

A Panda walks into a restaurant and asks for some dinner. The waiter brings dinner out and the panda eats it. When he's about to leave he stands up, pulls out a gun and starts shooting the place up. Everyone hits the floor until the shooting stops. The Panda calmly puts the gun away then starts to leave.

The waiter stands up and says "what the hell was all that about"??

The panda says "I'm a panda - look it up fool"!

So the waiter looks it up - "Panda, eats shoots and leaves"

Cheers,
Wayne

[photomike666]

...

A Panda walks into a restaurant and asks for some dinner. The waiter brings dinner out and the panda eats it. When he's about to leave he stands up, pulls out a gun and starts shooting the place up. Everyone hits the floor until the shooting stops. The Panda calmly puts the gun away then starts to leave.

The waiter stands up and says "what the hell was all that about"??

The panda says "I'm a panda - look it up fool"!

So the waiter looks it up - "Panda, eats shoots and leaves"

Have seen a version of this involving a panda and a prostitute.

[photomike666]

I stole this from another forum as it made me laugh...'