BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[ZXR750]

A couple more realy bad ones.

> 1. Two blondes walked into a building..........you'd think at least one of
> them would have seen it.
>
>
> 2. Phone answering machine message - '...If you want marijuana, press the
> hash key...'
>
>
> 3. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The
> shrink says, 'Well, I can
> clearly see you're nuts.'
>
>
> 4. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find
> any.
>
>
> 5. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he
> couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, 'No, the steaks are too
> high..'
>
>
> 6. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
>
>
> 7. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
> 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'
> The doctor replied, 'I know you can't, I've cut your arms off'.
>
>
> 8. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
>
>
> 9. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft,
> it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it
> too.
>
>
> 10. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with
> hundreds and thousands.
> Police say that he topped himself.
>
>
> 11. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc
> says 'I'll give you some cream to put on it.'
>
>

13. A man takes his Rotteweiller to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there
> anything you can do for him?'
> 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and
> examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to
> have to put him down.'
> 'What? Because he's cross-eyed? '
> 'No, because he's really heavy'
>
>
> 14. Guy goes into the doctor's. 'Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my
> backside.'
> 'How's that?'
> 'Don't you start.'
>
>
> 15. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
>
>
> 16. What do you call a fish with no eyes?
> A fsh.
>
>
> 17. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me 'Can you give me
> a lift?' I said 'Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
>
>
> 18. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people
> in my family, so it must be one of
> them. It's either my mum or my Dad, or my older Brother Colin, or my younger
> Brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
>
>
> 19. Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other 'Your round.' The other
> one says 'So are you, you fat bast**d!'
>
>
> 20. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, and
> the other was eating fireworks.
> They charged one and let the other one off.
>
>
> 21. 'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They
> left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was
> nice.'
>
>
> 22. A man walked into the doctors, he said, 'I've hurt my arm in several
> places'
> The doctor said, 'Well don't go there anymore'
>
>
> 23. Ireland 's worst air disaster occurred early this morning when a small
> two-seater Cessna plane crashed into a cemetery. Irish search and rescue
> workers have recovered 1826 bodies so far and expect that number to climb as
> digging continues into the night.

[Black Magic]

BM You can't be responsible for all of the jokes you will one day run out. I hope this helps add to your section.

Any help adding to the laughs is very welcome! Thank you! Lots of readers not many contributors!

[matt76]

A vicar books into a hotel and says to the receptionist,

"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."

"No," she says, "it's just regular porn................... you sick bastard."

[matt76]

Sorry if there are any sensitive women here but I thought this one was hilarious:

why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day

[Black Magic]

Sorry if there are any sensitive women here but I thought this one was hilarious:

why are women like clouds? eventually they go away and its a really nice day

Ohhh Matty- you really offended me!
Hope these don't offend you!


Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?

A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's a mixed feeling?

A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q What's the height of conceit?

A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. What's the definition of macho?

A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?

A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. Do you know how NEW ZEALANDERS practice safe sex ?

A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.Why is divorce so expensive?

A. Because it's worth it!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What is a Yankee?

A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?

A. They both like a tight seal.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. What do a Christmas tree and a priest have in common?

A. Their balls are just for decoration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q.What is the difference between 'ooooooh'and 'aaaaaaah'?

A. About three inches.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?

A. The grip.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?

A. It's not hard.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?

A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?

A: 45 pounds.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

A: 45 minutes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Q: Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

A: Breasts don't have eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?

A. The swallow.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?

A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~


Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A . They don't have balls to scratch!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

[matt76]

Haha I think we have managed to offend everyone now

[6maniac]

Geez Wendy, that lot are GOLD !!!!!!

[Black Magic]

Geez Wendy, that lot are GOLD !!!!!!

Glad you enjoyed them guys.

You know me Ron- you have met me in a State of Origin shoot out- set the girl a challenge and look out!

[6maniac]

[Black Magic]

A pshychiatric nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a
truck,with his hands at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny! What are you doing?'
Kenny replies, 'Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne!' The
nurse wishes him a good trip and leaves the room.
The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving
his imaginary truck and she asks, 'Well Kenny, how was your trip?'
Kenny says, 'I'm exhausted, I just got into Melbourne and I need some
rest.'
That's great,' replied the nurse, 'I'm glad you had a safe trip.'
The nurse leaves Kenny's room, and then goes across the hall into
another patients' room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating
vigorously.
Shocked, she shouts, 'Davo what are you doing!?' To which Davo
replies,
'Shhh,
I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.

[ZXR750]

Subject: A Blonde's Year in Review

January
Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February
Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print
labels..... Helllloooo!!!.......bottles won't fit in
printer !!!

March
Got really excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6
months..... box said "2-4  years!"

April
Trapped on escalator for hours .... power went out!!!

May
Tried to make   Kool-Aid.....wrong instructions...8
cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June
Tried to go waterskiing.......couldn't find a lake
with a slope.

July
Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned
later, the other swimmers  cheated, they used their
arms!!!

August
Got locked out of my car in rain storm..... car
swamped because convertible top was open.

September
The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October
Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November
Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days .. instructions said 1
hour per pound and I weigh  108!!

December
Couldn't call 911.  "Duh".....there's no "eleven"
button on the stupid phone!!!

[Black Magic]

I just LOVE Little Johnnie jokes.......


Little Johnnie's neighbour had a baby.
Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital, Johnnie's family was invited over to see the baby.
Before they left their house, Little Johnnie's dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.

His dad also told him that if he so much mentioned anything about the baby's missing ears or even said the word ears, he would get the smacking of his life when they came back home.
Little Johnnie told his dad he understood completely.
When Johnnie looked in the crib he said, 'What a beautiful baby.'
The mother said, 'Why, thank you, Johnnie.
Johnnie said, 'He has beautiful little feet and beautiful little hands, a cute little nose and really beautiful eyes. Can he see alright?'

'Yes', the mother replied, 'we are so thankful; the Doctor said he will have 20/20 vision.'

'That's great', said Little Johnnie,'coz he'd be f****d if he needed glasses'.

[Six Addict]

mumy mummy mummy... why am i running round in circles??

shutup johnnie or i'll nail your other foot to the floor...


mummy mummy mumm... can i go play with grandma??

shutup johnnie, you've already dug her up 3 times today!!

[photomike666]

The school teacher was asking her class to define contagious, and put it into a sentance. She asked Paula, who said, My sister has the chicken pox, and that's very contagious.

Well done Paula,how about you James?

Well I have Hey Fever that makes me sneese, but that's not contagious.

Very good James, not what can you come up with Paddy.

In a thick Irish drawn Paddy calmly states, Our next door neighbour is painting his house with a two inch brush, and my dad says it's gonna take the contagious...

[Six Addict]

oh dear mike....