QANTAS Gripe sheet

[mike-s]

an oldie but a goodie.

Qantas Airline Repair Reports

After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out
a form, called a "gripe sheet", which tells mechanics
about problems with the aircraft. The
mechanics correct the problems, document their
repairs on the form, and then pilots review
the gripe sheets before the next flight.

Never let it be said that ground crews lack
a sense of humor. Here are some actual
maintenance complaints submitted by Qanta's
pilots and the solutions recorded by
maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major
airline that has never had an accident.

(P= The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S= The solution and action taken by mechanics.)

P: Left inside main tire almost needs
replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very
rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces
a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing
gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to
stick.
S: That's what they're for.

P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief
search.

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this
one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly
right, and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit. (This one's great,
too!)
S: Cat installed.

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on
something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

[Lone Wolf]

[ducati_paul]

Yeah seen it heaps of times and it's always reported to be something different, I think the US Airforce is probably closer to the truth as I can't see why a QANTAS plane would have a Target radar

[photomike666]

Airforce one was the version I had a few years ago, really liked the final one in too...

Pilot: Whining noise in cockpit after shut down
Solution: Pilot removed from cockpit.

[Stereo]

When I read it first it was an RAAF report... and it was much much longer

[mike-s]

yeah, still the general gyst of it is there.

Now you mention it, i do remember seeing more in other copies of it (a long long time ago however...)

[Neka79]

still makes me laugh....lol

[Ratmick]

Yeah seen it heaps of times and it's always reported to be something different, I think the US Airforce is probably closer to the truth as I can't see why a QANTAS plane would have a Target radar

That'd be for removing Jetstar and Virgin Blue planes from the sky .