WHAT HE RIDES IS HOW HE....

[NewbieBikerGal]

I was chatting to a male friend and he suggested that I take some advise, look and learn as to what a guys 'personality' is like by the bike he rides, here's the the list he suggested I follow...



WHAT HE RIDES IS HOW HE FUCKS!

Mr Ducati -loves himself and is rough and annoying - will spend the whole time watching himself in the mirror
Mr Honda - plain and boring but reliable - missionary only
Mr Yamaha - Wannabe Rossi but really a 2 pump chump
Mr Suzuki - Believes he was once awesome in bed but now has doubts
Mr Hyosung – Gay
Mr Vespa/scooter - Metro sexual
Mr Buell - Strong but embarrassed - probably a good root but will try and jam it in your arse
Mr KTM - Loose, wild and hang the fuck on - well for 30 seconds at least cause he'll crash and burn
MV Augusta - refined, classic, smooth and will last all night
Mr Triumph - premature ejaculator
Mr Moto Guzzi - will root you in a sideways motion - kinda works but just annoying
Mr Bimota - greasy, ugly and a last resort - you'll have to burn the sheets afterwards too
Mr BMW - needs viagra
Mr Kawasaki - absolute sex god and not for the faint hearted...

[Lone Wolf]

[I-K]

Mr Ducati -loves himself and is rough and annoying - will spend the whole time watching himself in the mirror

Then, afterwards, he'll take you to a cafe and insist you stand naked at the kerb while he slurps espresso and reads a magazine with an expression of disinterest on his face, expecting passers-by to wander over and ask, "So, mate... did you fuck her?"

Mr Honda - plain and boring but reliable - missionary only

BladeBoy? Is this true?

Mr Yamaha - Wannabe Rossi but really a 2 pump chump

Give him more credit than that... although, he will precede every change of position with, "This is something my mate Rocky reckons he always does." Other names which will come up in this context will be Steve, Bill, Ado, Macca, and a different Steve.

Mr Suzuki - Believes he was once awesome in bed but now has doubts

Bed? Given how Suzuki continue to build bikes with styling and colour schemes that are supposed to appeal to teenage boys, he'll have issues performing anywhere other than the flattened cargo area of his Mum's station wagon. The first thing he'll do afterwards will be to reach for his phone and send a triumphant SMS to his eight best mates.

Mr Hyosung – Gay

Nah. Hyosungs are bought by thrifty people who are too risk-averse to buy used. So, he'll be too cheap to stump up for a decent hotel room, but too boring to go for it up against a tree in the park.

Mr Vespa/scooter - Metro sexual

Mhm. He'll insist he gets to shower first afterwards.

Mr Buell - Strong but embarrassed - probably a good root but will try and jam it in your arse

He'd also get a very odd rhythm going. Hard to get used to...

Mr KTM - Loose, wild and hang the fuck on - well for 30 seconds at least cause he'll crash and burn

That one's pretty much got it nailed.

MV Augusta - refined, classic, smooth and will last all night

Going on the chicken strips in evidence on virtually all the MV's you care to find for sale, I submit that this should really read something like,

"Won't look at you unless you're 6'2" with a 24" waist and at least DD's, then he'll expect his designer furniture and $400 French-satin sheets to make up for the fact that he has absolutely no idea what he's doing... in the version of the story he tells his mates at the office in the morning, you'll have come 37 times and pleaded to see him again the next night.. but he said 'nah'."

Mr Triumph - premature ejaculator

Nah. More like "Refuses to sleep with Asian women because of the war."

Mr Moto Guzzi - will root you in a sideways motion - kinda works but just annoying

Going on what Guzzis are like to take off and change gear, he'll be tricky to get going and changing positions will be fiddly and awkward. Expect a lot of elbows to the eye socket.

Mr Bimota - greasy, ugly and a last resort - you'll have to burn the sheets afterwards too

Rather, doesn't put out much, and, when he does, he insists on fucking upside-down and using weird suspension rig-things when a quickie up against the breakfast counter will do. Grabs his clothes and vanishes out the window if there's a knock on the door, because he'll think that the people he owes money to have found him.

Mr Kawasaki - absolute sex god and not for the faint hearted...

Well, hard to argue against that one, isn't it?

[Mr Sparkle]

I had better not buy that '07 R6 then

[MickLC]

Where's the BMW so we know what Strika is like?

[Lone Wolf]

I-K, thats just as good as the first one

[I-K]

I-K, thats just as good as the first one

Thank you. I never get tired of hearing that.

[NewbieBikerGal]

Where's the BMW so we know what Strika is like?

Mr BMW - needs viagra

[Jennysc]

I-K, thats just as good as the first one

Thank you. I never get tired of hearing that.

Hahaha ((holding splitting sides)), you guys crack me up

[I-K]

Where's the BMW so we know what Strika is like?

It'd probably take the form of an internal monologue which went something like, "That's right. Keep walking. Take no notice. Another woman who doesn't realise that once you've had a big gut, a bushy beard and hair like Friar Tuck, you never go back. Silly creature. I'm beginning to wonder if you'd even be good enough."

[Strika]

Where's the BMW so we know what Strika is like?

If you wanna know what strika sex is like, all you have to do is ask............................err...............ask.....................ummm..............................................strika?

BMW Sex...now let me think!!!!! Takes a long time to warm up. Can tend to fart a bit while cold, has trouble getting it up. One redeeming feature is that they are usually long and thick. However in general they look quite ugly. They do tend to last a long time though!

[MickLC]

Where's the BMW so we know what Strika is like?

If you wanna know what strika sex is like, all you have to do is ask............................err...............ask.....................ummm..............................................strika?

BMW Sex...now let me think!!!!! Takes a long time to warm up. Can tend to fart a bit while cold, has trouble getting it up. One redeeming feature is that they are usually long and thick. However in general they look quite ugly. They do tend to last a long time though!

...and have very warm hands and a bit too much luggage out back...

[red_dave]

[I-K]

Since KSRC is an equal-opportunity forum...

Ms Ducati - Word around the traps is she's something utterly blow-your-mind special. Watching the smoke from your post-coital cigarette form coils in the fetid air above the bed, you think to yourself, "OK, that was pretty good, but, really, it's not like I haven't tried the Cobra position before."

Ms Honda - Up for anything. Bent over backwards on the armchair? Sure. Out on the balcony, with the plate-glass balustrade? Face-to-face, or rear entry, babe? On the bonnet of her aunt's Mercedes under the carport during a family reunion? Let's go. OK, how about you make a suggestion for once, then?

Ms Yamaha - A few years ago, she'd've flung you from one end of the room to the other, and you'd've ended up spreadeagled on the bed, mouthing "What the fuck?" to yourself over and over at the end. These days, you keep putting the effort in and going, "Come on, it can't be much longer. It's going to get wild *aaaaaannnyyy* minute now."

Ms Suzuki - lots of tattoos, wild hairstyle, wilder wardrobe. "I'd be enjoying this a lot more if she'd *shut*up*for*a*minute*. Aaaarrhh! Shut up, woman! On second thought, if she's talking that means she can't use her teeth like she did back at the start. Collar shirt for work tomorrow, definitely. What?!? No, don't take a phone call from one of your exes NOW!"

Ms Hyosung – pack a blowtorch to cut through the ice and a set of cue cards with the words "WOULD", "YOU", "LIKE", "TO", "HAVE", "SEX", "WITH" and "ME" on them (that last one is pivotal). A "TONIGHT" cue card might also be required, as well as a reliable pen and an A3 sketch pad for diagrams.

Ms Vespa/scooter - Meh. Might as well put the moves onto the receptionist who still catches the bus to work. It'd be the same thing.

Ms Harley-Davidson - "Please, God, don't let my mates find out. I'm only human, FFS. I'm drunk and I was toey. What was supposed to do? Oh, please, don't let my mates find out."

Ms KTM - After you eventually get sick of doing it outdoors, you manage to coax her to a regular, plain old bed, and discover she's dynamite in there, too.

MV Augusta - Insists you pay for everything, won't shut up about past boyfriends who've been actors, company directors and owners of successful tiling businesses. Eeerie resemblance to Ms Ducati when you finally get her in the sack.

Ms Triumph - "Woo-hoo! Three b00bs! I've hit the jackpot!"

Ms Moto Guzzi - "Man, those are firm for their size."

Ms Bimota - Takes you to weird European movies and gets you to go to work in the cinema. Takes you to clubs with very weird music and gets you to go to work on a couch in the corner. Works in an occult shop and when you visit her at work... you get the idea. Has an awful lot of people in her phone whose calls she doesn't answer when they call.

Ms BMW - Ah, you like a challenge, eh?

Ms Kawasaki - if only everyone else knew what they were missing, and you sure as shit aren't going to let the cat out of the bag. Woo-hoo!

[Strika]

Ms Triumph - "Woo-hoo! Three b00bs! I've hit the jackpot!"


Faark me did I almost choke laughing when I got to this bit! Well did I.K.!