Kawasaki Sportsbike Riders Club - Australia - Online Forum

Hi all. Before I post this I want to point out that I am going OK and am not in need of any outpourings of sympathy...just yet!

My dear old mum has been beating cancer for nearly 20 years. She was first diagnosed with it in her 50's and after a double masectomy and most of her Lymph nodes being removed she survived. Over the past ten years, it has been coming back to bite her. It would come back, she would beat it off with Chemo and Radio therapy and then 6 months later another lot would appear in another part ofthe body. She battled on with each new cancer becoming closer and closer in time until she was in a position where a new lot would appear before he had got rid of the last lot. At 76 she finally cried enough about three months ago and refused anymore Chemo. She was sick of living sick. The Chemo was knocking her around and making life not worth living. Constantly felling sick. So for the last three months we have had her in pretty good spirits and health. But, over that time, the cancer has become even more agressive and she is in palliative care being made comfortable and the family has been called in to say goodbye. Now, it's down to how long that piece of string is.

The current status is nil by mouth, and four hourly morphene, but they do have her on a drip. However, this will most likely be removed as it was put in only to keep her alive until my little brother could make it back from Beijing where he lives; he arrived this afternoon.

Up to this stage I am coping quite well. Mum and I spent all weekend together. Chatting when she was awake and just being there for her when she was asleep. We have said our goodbyes and are at peace with each other. I have stayed strong and not made her feel horrible by falling apart in front of her. I may be different once she goes, but right now I am doing OK.

What I would like to know though, is some insight into what I am up for next. While I know everyone handles things in there own way, I also know that sometimes forwarned is fore armed! So, what hapens from here, what are some of the feelings some of you experienced? What things occured which caught you by surprise and is there any one piece of advice you might offer from hence forth?

Shit news Marty, I am very sorry to hear.

I wont call you.

But when it feels right come around or we will come to you.

Have a chat to Steph she is all to experienced at this.

All the best Bro.

Hey Marty

I am so sorry mate, watching someone die of cancer is one of the hardest things to go through.

I haven't lost a parent but I have lost a very dear Grandmother who I loved very much, a very, very, very close friend and also a boyfriend over the years.

My experience with the death of someone very dear to you is that it does hurt, you will feel down and I guess the times I felt it the most was when I was on my own and would think about them, time does heal but I still have down days especially from loosing my boyfriend. My biggest advice, don't fight those days, grief is a natural emotion and it s the way your heart and mind deal with it. No one can tell you how to deal with it as you will find your own way, but just be prepared for days where you will feel flat and especially when you reminisce about them. I would also say if you have people you are comfortable talking to about this stuff when your feeling flat, don't bottle even if you just say you feel flat sometimes that is enough but as I said you will find your own way to deal. I also found the funerals did help, it relieves a lot that you don't realise your hanging onto. Hope this helps.

Mate, it hasn't happened yet so you really can't project how you will feel, I found to let them happen naturally was best for me.

I lost my dad to cancer may 2 years ago, lost mum earlier this year, the best thing of all was making our peace. Had time to have final good bye and told them I loved them which males in our family don't know the word or at least say it.

With my mum I said to her if you want to go mum go, we all will be ok. She thanked me and passed within the week peacefully.

Of course there is the grieving, funeral etc, the hard bit for me was at the wake talking to her many close friends who were like aunts and uncles to us.

But be happy in yourself she went at her will with dignity and with family blessing, times like these pull a family closer together, all the best with it Marty.

You have my number use it, and an easy solo ride helps or it did for me.

Sorry to read this Marty, it's not a good place to be.

It's a shitty time and in my opinion all you can do is put one foot in front of another and take it one day at a time.

Lost my dad to cancer when I was five and he was 24. He left a very young widow and two extremely young (and very sad) children. I was just old enough to remember him, my brother isn't so lucky.

My ex's father passed away about five years ago when we were both still together. He had lung cancer, even though he wasn't a smoker. Took three years of gradual decline and chemo and repeated episodes of having a few litres of fluid removed his chest cavity where it was causing issues with his heart and breathing before a very rapid decline at the end. He was on a morphine drip at the end and the passing took a couple of days, none of which he would have been aware of. He passed away peacefully at home in the end surrounded by his beloved books. Luckily for him and for her my Ex was on-hand at the very end, he didn't want to die alone in the dark and she had the luxury of being there at the right time.

Take care mate, and best wishes to everyone.

Mick

Mate I lost my mum 2 weeks before Christmas last year.

Fortunately she went in her sleep but unfortunately I was not able to say goodbye. She lived in Wollongong and I hadn't seen her for a couple of months so that was hard. My friends were a great comfort but I also needed some professional help to put things into some sort of order.

I would strongly suggest seeing a professional at least once after a couple of months to talk about where you are at.

Take care.

Really sorry to hear about this.

Ultimately I don't think there is really a way to prepare for it. When my mum passed away early this year we knew about 5 days prior that she wouldn't make it. Even tho we knew it would only be a matter of time once we were told it was still devastating news. It's had a huge impact.

Seek professional help - a grief counsellor or psychologist. Talk - to friends and relatives. The more you talk the easier it becomes. Ultimately its time that heals....but it can be a long time so don't expect it to fade in a week or a month.

Best wishes to you and your family.

Jonno wrote:Mate, it hasn't happened yet so you really can't project how you will feel, I found to let them happen naturally was best for me.

I lost my dad to cancer may 2 years ago, lost mum earlier this year, the best thing of all was making our peace. Had time to have final good bye and told them I loved them which males in our family don't know the word or at least say it.

With my mum I said to her if you want to go mum go, we all will be ok. She thanked me and passed within the week peacefully.

Of course there is the grieving, funeral etc, the hard bit for me was at the wake talking to her many close friends who were like aunts and uncles to us.

But be happy in yourself she went at her will with dignity and with family blessing, times like these pull a family closer together, all the best with it Marty.

You have my number use it, and an easy solo ride helps or it did for me.

Not till the 20th of August mate!!

It's interesting reading some of your stories. I can empathise with you.

Johnno, my little brother arrived from Beijing this afternoon. He was the last of the family to see her, so most likely she will relax from here...........! I really just want her to just have the pain stopped is all. She is perhaps the most stoical person I have met. I think that's where I get my ability to break bones and keep going from. She never complains. Not ever. Even now, when the pain is getting on top of her, all she says is "it's time" and she buzzes for the nurse to fill her back up with Morphene. The period just after is good as she is lucid and pain free. Three or four minutes later the Morphene takes over completely and she nods off for a few hours. Then the process repeats itself. Mum never smoked either, rarely drank now that I think of it. Perhaps a glass of wine once a month. She never ate anything that she didn't make. I didn't know they made tinned soup until I was 15! Mum always fed us and herself with an incredibly healthy low fat diet with lots of fruit and veges. I can remember sitting at the table till eating those vegies as a matter of fact... . So, why a person like that gets cancer, I will never know?? Now everyone's mum is brilliant, but my mum, well she had an advantage over all the other mums. She was the daughter of my grandfather. My grandfather was an amazing man with a persona that had to be seen to be believed. Freaky calming. Mum inherited this. One of those people who just really got where ever the hell it was someone was coming from! It didn't matter who she was interacting with, or how bizzare one might think the person was, she had an ability to just understand. To get them! Pretty cool sort of mum to have around as you were emerging from boyhood to manhood. I fucked up a lot as a kid. I was a boundary pusher. But, she never lost patience ....or hope!

But I'm OK with her passing and while I will miss her incredibly, I just want the pain stopped for her. That's what I am finding the most difficult, is watching her struggle to just live. This is where Dr. Phillip Nishke might be right?

Mate sympathy to you.

Lost my father when I was 21 and my mother shortly after, with all the other family members O/S it was a tough time.

You just gotta push through Marty, your'll be right.

Guys...honestly...I'm OK! I'm more just wanting to see if there are things I should watch out for from here....Like surviving parents reactions and siblings?? Relatives?? Friends??? The emotions area is covered well....it's the path that follows I am more interested in.

random shit will remind you of her... that can be the hardest part... you'll be out doing something that she liked to do and then you'll remember...

or something will come up in a conversation and you will go to tell a story about how your mum used to hate/love it and then you'll remember

that and releasing the build up of emotions will always prove beneficial...

other than that, just HTFU...

Marty - wish I could help with some advice mate, but have not lost a parent or a sibling yet......grandparents went maybe 20 years ago? I know there was some pretty bad shite happen between the siblings when Nanna finally went - could be something to watch ?

Sorry to hear about your Mum mate, although we have talked about this in the past. All you can do once she goes, is be happy that she is no longer in pain. You will always have your memories of her, and nothing can ever take those away.

hey buddy, first of all i would like to express my deepest thoughts to you, your mum and your family

i lost my father at the age of 8 years old, in a car accident, i still remember it like it was yesterday, i have painful moments every now and then still to this day
im not sure what to say as advice goes but, know you will always have friends and family around to support you through this tough time

Shit mate sorry to hear. I may only be a young guy but my father took his own life when i was only 6. sure i was young but there are feelings you dont forget.

im glad you are getting to say goodbye to your mum. that is one thing that will definitely make it easier. coming to accept she is gone is the hardest part in my opinion. and i feel once that is accepted things get a bit easier but there will still be those days every now and then.

all the best to you and your family, cant imagine a harder time for you guys.

Marty

being older than most here...unfortunately I guess I have also experienced this more than most
I have lost both my parents (Mum to Parkinsons related stuff and Dad to various cancer related things), my wife has lost her father (lung cancer)
my 3 aunts (and their husbands) are all deceased, I recently lost my first cousin in a very similar way to how you Mum is travelling (big C) and 2 weeks
ago I went to a funeral for one of my best mates (known for 35 years) who died of Mesotheleoma (spelling)...asbestos caused cancer

and in my experience....there is no simple answer, no one thing that makes it easy
each death was different, the circumstances of it different, the pain and agony all different
you have to cope with each different event...in your own way. The thing to remember is
that death is part of life

the one bit of advice i was going to give you...you have already commented on
....about making peace with your Mum - thats good!
The worst thing is kicking yourself or being angry or sad as you didnt take the time to do this
or say farewell in your own way beforehand
you have to do it now...at the funeral is too late


hope some of this helps


Smitty