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Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 2:13 pm
by Black Magic
Mick from Dublin appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' and towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 pounds.
You've done very well so far,' said, Chris Tarrant, the show's presenter 'but for a million pounds you've only got one lifeline left - phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question, will you go for it?'
'Sure,' said Mick. 'I'll have a go!'
'Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?'
A: Sparrow
B: Thrush
C: Magpie
D: Cuckoo
I haven't got a clue,' said Mick, 'so I'll use me last lifeline and phone me friend Paddy back home in Dublin'. Mick called up his mate and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
'Fookin hell, Mick!' cried Paddy. 'Dat's simple, it's a cuckoo.'
'Are you sure?'
'I'm fookin sure.' Mick hung up the phone and told Chris, 'I'll go wit Cuckoo as me answer.'
'Is that your final answer?' asked Chris
'Dat it is, Sir.'
There was a long - long pause then the presenter screamed, 'Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mick, you've won 1 million pounds!'
The next night Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
'Tell me, Paddy? How in Heaven's name did you know it was da Cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest?
'Because he lives in a Fookin clock!'
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Sat Sep 27, 2008 3:16 pm
by Jonno
Never have smoked a camel or a fag, nor do I want too
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 5:43 am
by Black Magic
Monkey porn
Melbourne Zoo had acquired a female of a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla became very cantankerous and difficult to handle. Upon examination, the Zoo veterinarian determined the problem. The Gorilla was on heat. (Is that what makes females grouchy, why didn't someone tell me.)
To make matters worse there were no male gorillas of the species available.
While reflecting on their problem the zoo management noticed Trev, a big Kiwi lad & former All Black, responsible for fixing the Zoo's machinery. Trev, like most Kiwis seemed to be possessed with ample ability to satisfy a female of any species, so the zoo administrators thought they might have a solution.
Trev was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to have sex with the gorilla for $500?
Trev showed some interest but said he would have to think the matter over carefully.
The following day Trev announced that he would accept their offer but only under three conditions:
'Fust,' he said, 'I don't want to have to kuss er.'
'Sicondly, you must niver niver tull anyone about thus.'
The zoo administration quickly agreed to these conditions, so they asked what his third condition was.
'Wull,' said Trev, 'You gotta give me another week to come up with the $500.
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Mon Sep 29, 2008 5:58 pm
by Black Magic
Embarrased to admit that I found g & h ever so true at a recent work bash 
Things that are difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Innovative
b) Preliminary
c) Proliferation
d) Cinnamon
Things that are VERY difficult to say when you're drunk...
a) Specificity
b) British Constitution
c) Passive-aggressive disorder
d) Transubstantiate
Things that are ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE to say when you're drunk...
a) Thanks, but I don't want to sleep with you.
b) Nope, no more booze for me.
c) Sorry, but you're not really my type.
d) No kebab for me, thank you.
e) Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight?
f) I'm not interested in fighting you.
g) Oh, I just couldn't - no one wants to hear me sing.
h) Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no co-ordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
i) Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
j) I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 5:49 am
by Black Magic
This beautiful woman one day walks into a doctors office and the doctor is bowled over by how stunningly awesome she is. All his professionalism goes right out the window...
He tells her to take her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs.
"Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor?
"Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies.
He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer."
Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
She replies, "Yes, getting herpies - thats why I am here!"
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Tue Sep 30, 2008 7:08 pm
by Black Magic
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:21 am
by Black Magic
A woman sits in front of a mirror looking at her breasts. When her husband walks out of the bathroom, she comments, "Dear, my breasts are too small. Give me some money to have them enlarged."
Her Husband says, "Your breasts are fine. They're just the right size."
Wife: "But everybody has large breasts nowadays. I would be out of fashion if I didn't have large breasts too." Husband, knowing he's fighting a losing battle, "I've got a breast enlarging method that won't cost a cent. What you do is take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts everyday."
Wife: "That is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard." Husband, "Just do it. I guarantee it'll work." Wife, "You must be joking! What gave you such a silly idea?"
Husband: "It must work! Look what it did to your ass!"
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 5:47 am
by matt76
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:00 am
by Black Magic
Glad the jokes brighten your day Matt
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:56 am
by matt76
They do thanks
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Wed Oct 01, 2008 8:44 pm
by Jonno
Here you go Wendy, links to video clips on utoob. 2+mb download each.
NYPD training video
Wife that won't listen to hubby
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 6:07 am
by Black Magic
Chris Rock is such a hoot! Here are a couple to keep you going while I head off to PI for a week..... (Politically incorrect)
Two Middle East mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a plate of tabouli and a pint of goat's milk.
The older of the mothers pulls a bag out of her purse and starts flipping through photos. And they start reminiscing.
'This is my oldest son Mohammed. He would be 24 years old now.'
'Yes, I remember him as a baby' says the other mother cheerfully.
'He's a martyr now though' mum confides.
'Oh, so sad dear' says the other.
'And this is my second son Kalid. He would be 21'
'Oh, I remember him,' says the other happily, 'he had such curly hair when he was born.'
'He's a martyr too' says mum quietly.
'Oh, gracious me ...' Says the other.
'And this is my third son. My baby, My beautiful Ahmed. He would be 18, she whispers.'
'Yes' says the friend enthusiastically, 'I remember when he first started school'
'He's a martyr also,' says mum, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says...
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 6:09 am
by Black Magic
AS A WOMAN PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A
STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED
HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT WITH A VIBRATOR.
SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU DOING?" THE DAUGHTER
REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS
ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE
ME ALONE." THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING
FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE
ROOM,HE OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO HER VIBRATOR. TO
HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:
"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS 'LL
EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE." A COUPLE OF
DAYS LATER THE WIFE CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE GROCERIES
ON THE KITCHEN TABLE AND HEARD A BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM, OF ALL
PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM. SHE ENTERED AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON
THE COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV. THE VIBRATOR WAS
NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.
THE WIFE ASKED 'WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?' THE HUSBAND REPLIED I'M
WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON IN LAW'.
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 6:20 am
by matt76
Black Magic wrote:
'They blow up so fast, don't they?'
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That just made me laugh out loud
Re: BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS
Posted: Thu Oct 02, 2008 5:55 pm
by Six Addict
go ride ur spewzuki wendy
u must have a cruisey job and lots of people sending round group joke emails.....