Daddy's rules!
Sun Mar 10, 2013 3:26 pm
Rule 1
If you pull into my drive way and honk your car horn you had better be delivering a package, because let me assure you, you sure are not picking anything up.
Rule 2
You will not I repeat, not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep you eyes or grubby hands off my daughters body, I will I promise you remove them.
Rule 3
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so loosely fitting that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure your pants do not come off during your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4
I am sure you have been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex with my little girl I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5
It is usually understood that in order to get to know each other better, we should talk about, things like sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear on this subject is “early”.
Rule 6
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise once you have started dating my little girl, you will continue to date her no one else but her until she is finish with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry, understand!
Rule 8
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, police, or nuns within eyesight. Places where it is dark, where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a gooseneck parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws or guns are ok. Footy games are ok as well.
Rule 9
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, grey headed, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. However, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house. I know how to use all these item’s so do not Trifle with me!
Rule 10
Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of you car in my driveway for a BMP assaulting my position. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns, load for bear as I wait for you to bring my daughter safely home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the password in a clear voice, then state that you have bought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car quickly, there is no need for you to come inside. Remember the camouflaged face you see at the window is mine!
If you pull into my drive way and honk your car horn you had better be delivering a package, because let me assure you, you sure are not picking anything up.
Rule 2
You will not I repeat, not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep you eyes or grubby hands off my daughters body, I will I promise you remove them.
Rule 3
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear trousers so loosely fitting that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please do not take this as an insult, but you and all your friends are complete idiots. Still I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose a compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big and I will not object. However, in order to ensure your pants do not come off during your date with my daughter, I will take my nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.
Rule 4
I am sure you have been told that in today’s world, sex without utilizing a “barrier method” of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex with my little girl I am the barrier, and I will kill you.
Rule 5
It is usually understood that in order to get to know each other better, we should talk about, things like sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need to hear on this subject is “early”.
Rule 6
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is ok with my daughter. Otherwise once you have started dating my little girl, you will continue to date her no one else but her until she is finish with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry, understand!
Rule 8
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, police, or nuns within eyesight. Places where it is dark, where there is dancing, holding hands or happiness. Places where the temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a gooseneck parka – zipped up to her throat. Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies that feature chain saws or guns are ok. Footy games are ok as well.
Rule 9
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, grey headed, middle-aged, dimwitted has been. However, on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel and 5 acres behind the house. I know how to use all these item’s so do not Trifle with me!
Rule 10
Be afraid, be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of you car in my driveway for a BMP assaulting my position. When my PTSD starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean my guns, load for bear as I wait for you to bring my daughter safely home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Announce the password in a clear voice, then state that you have bought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car quickly, there is no need for you to come inside. Remember the camouflaged face you see at the window is mine!
Re: Daddy's rules!
Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:27 pm
I have three daughters. Is it possible to have all of the above written as a contract for potential boyfriends to sign.
Re: Daddy's rules!
Sun Mar 10, 2013 4:28 pm
effing gold!
Re: Daddy's rules!
Sun Mar 10, 2013 5:07 pm
I have always promised that when my daughter is old enough to have a boyfriend, the first time I meet him I will be either armed, or operating a chainsaw. Also, one of my favorite lines from the end of the movie Taken 2 is at the end when Maggie Grace's character says to Liam Neeson as a joke "Please don't shot this one dad". I plan on having this routine practiced between my daughter and I. 
Re: Daddy's rules!
Sun Mar 10, 2013 6:46 pm
Like it Dutchy!
Re: Daddy's rules!
Mon Mar 11, 2013 9:12 pm
Funny how it's all in the daughters favour - coz if your manipulative bitch of a daughter upsets my boy - well I'm sure he can deal with it lol
Re: Daddy's rules!
Wed Mar 13, 2013 6:41 pm
ZXR750 wrote:I have three daughters. Is it possible to have all of the above written as a contract for potential boyfriends to sign.
I have 3 daughters as well, I like it, may have to print a copy of that.
I was also a machine gunner in the Infantry and could write my name in the dirt with GPMG M60
