A few funnies

[laidback]

The Golfing hit man....

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of
their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called
out to them," Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't show up."
"Sure," they said, "You're welcome."

So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of
the newcomer.
Part way around the course, one of the friends asked the
newcomer, "What do you do for a living?"
"I'm a hit man," was the reply.
"You're joking!" was the response.
"No, I'm not," he said, reaching into his golf bag, and pulling
out a
beautiful Martini sniper's rifle with a large telescopic sight.
"Here are my tools." "That's a beautiful telescopic
sight," said the other friend, "Can I take a look?
I think I might be able to see my house from here."

So he picked up the rifle and looked through the sight in the
direction of his house.
"Yeah, I can see my house all right. This sight is fantastic. I
can see right in the window."
"Wow, I can see my wife in the bedroom. Ha Ha, I can see she's naked!!
Wait a minute, that's my neighbor in there with her..... He's
naked, too!!!"
He turned to the hit man, "How much do you charge for a hit?"
"I'll do a flat rate, for you, one thousand dollars every time I
pull the trigger."
"Can you do two for me now?" "Sure, what do you want?"

"First, shoot my wife, she's always been mouthy, so shoot her in
the mouth."
"Then the neighbor, he's a friend of mine, so just shoot his
dick off to teach him a lesson."
The hit man took the rifle and took aim, standing perfectly
still for a few minutes.
"Are you going to do it or not?" said the friend impatiently.

"Just be patient," said the hit man calmly, "I think I can save
you a grand here..."

[laidback]

Wife started screaming at me and kicked me out of the house .
As I got to the door she yelled " Hope you die a slow painful miserable death you barstard "
I said to her make up your mind first you kick me out and now you want me to stay

[laidback]

A mother was working in the kitchen, listening to her five-year-old son playing with his new electric train set in the living room.

She heard the train stop and her son saying, 'All of You B*****ds who want get off, get off now, 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you B*****ds who are getting on, get on now, 'cos we're going down the tracks'.

The horrified mother went in and told her son, 'We
don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and stay there for TWO HOURS.
When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language.'

Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say,
'All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you.
We thank you for travelling with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one.'

She hears the little boy continue,

'For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train.
We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.'

As the mother began to smile, the child added..........

'For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the fat controller in the kitchen.

[laidback]

You gotta love him!
Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven, Sir.

Teacher: No, listen carefully.

If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.

If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where the hell do you get seven from?!?!?

Very angry Johnny: Because I've already got a f----n' cat

[laidback]

You think you have lived to be 80 and know who you are, then along comes someone and blows it all to hell!

An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight suit and leather jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, 'Are you a real pilot?'

He replied, 'Well, I
've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you?

She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'