Advice Hotline (now open)

Auntie Cath we need some advice.

We have lots of fruit trees in our backyard and It's all fruiting at the moment. Consequently we have copious amounts of tangelos mandarins lemons limes and bananas, more than us and our family and friends can eat. What should we do with all of the fruit Auntie Cath?

Eat them
Juice them
Juice, then freeze in ice cube trays
Jump on allrecipes.com.au or crack open a cookbook and make something you haven't had before
Make jam
Make marmalade
And finally, throw them at people who annoy you, my pet!

Dear Aunty Cath,

1.Can you let me know the best way to remove wool from Velcro? I have some gloves that just aren't holding anymore due to the loops being full of wool.

2. Can you catch STD's from an animal (Just asking for a friend)

Thanks

Oh my dearie dearie me.... The things kiddies get up to these days is enough to make me wonder where the world is going! I think I need to get myself a nice big tumbler of sherry before I answer this little petal...
ok, let me see...
1) Removing wool from velcro is quite tricky. It is very time consuming - use a fine-toothed comb and put aside a good hour. Make sure the wool is dry and comb the velcro gently in an upwards motion. Clear the removed wool from the comb frequently
2) No, 'your friend' can't. STDs are pretty much species-specific, so 'your friend' is ok on that front. However, he is obviously not ok on any other front

I caught an STD from a bitch this one time at band-camp.....she was an animal alright !!

Oh my! You little scamp. Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, dearie?

Dear Aunty Cath, after a couple of after work beers I sat on the Stops All Station commuter train and read an article regarding a big biker a black and chrome bike & a squirrel. I openly lol'd. Is there any hole for me?

Hmmmm. Well, my bulbous shiny pumpkin, yes, there really is a hole for you. And you don't have to worry about people riding bikes there at all. It's called Melbourne. Enjoy the drizzle my little furry sasquatch! The only thing missing is the squirrel, but I'm sure you could substitute with a possum, my little cauliflower

Yeah I got fat fingers too

And that, my little bushy-tailed ferret, is why the Gorgeous Em sticks around, even when you open your mouth and spill all your refuse and detritus all over the place.

Dear Aunty Cath...

I am currently dying with the dreaded manflu....

is there any special techniques for getting extra sympathy? and how could i milk this sympathy to get a new motorcycle???

..... and how do i get rid of the manflu so i can ride the new motorcycle????

Dear Supafrog,

My poor little pet, the manflu is a terrible, debilitating disease. I have seen my sweetie, "Uncle Cath", suffer from it terribly from time to time. Unfortunately, there is no cure, but there are things that can be done to help you deal with this traumatic event. I presume you are coughing painfully, as well as sniffling quite a bit? But you also need to make sure your breathing sounds laboured. And blow your nose as if you barely have the strength to hold the tissue to your face (use a tissue, my diseased little sparrow, please). Consider dragging your feet pathetically when you need to move from the couch... And if you need to go to the toilet, spend extra time in there, as that will make your carer worry. Try hiding a beer in there, and take your iphone with you - you can easily spend a half hour in there, more if you have the latest Two Wheels in there as well - which will cause a lot of concern. If there is a knock at the door and a worried "are you ok honey?", first give a long pause, then make your voice hoarse and croak "I think so... ". Only spend another minute or two in there, otherwise you'll have to commit to another half hour in there at least - you need to come out now while the worry is there and before your carer is distracted with the laundry or dinner. Oh, and don't forget to shuffle and drag your feet when you leave the bathroom - which shouldn't be difficult if you've been sitting on the loo for a half hour! After 10 minutes or so, ask for a glass of water. But do so as if you're asking for the world's biggest favour and make sure it's difficult to get the words out. She'll be doing whatever she can to make you feel better... you may even get a *handy* out of it, if you can sincerely explain how the stress release will be beneficial and help your recovery.

As far as using manflu to get a new motorbike goes... you can't. You're obviously too sick to be making major financial decisions like that right now. Sorry, manflu is only good for pampering and indulgence. Motorbikes need to come out of the 'Tit for Tat' fund... and I know your eyes just glazed over as you started visualising a piggy bank containing breasts, so I'll stop now

Hope you're feeling better my Amazing Amphibian

Aunty Cath....why do theoretical physicists have jobs, take the heat away from the big bang and most of the unsolved mysteries evaporate
I think it's much the same reason as all of the climate change people having jobs.....
"I'm a university graduate so they'll listen to me", I'm also unemployed so I'll invent a scenario....
despite all of the fossil evidence that ice ages and ocean level changes have been occuring in cycles over millions of year's!!!

Old auntie shagga, what to use on a guinea pig? duct tape or gaffa tape?

Saggy tits and varacous veined legs just werent my thing with you. Have you meet ksrc's Ron?

Well things are pretty quiet around here, but if anyone needs any advice, the hotline is now open

And UncleChopChop, gaffa tape is the sure thing. I hope you weren't waiting desperately for that answer!

Aunty Cath...I need help...

I often feel the need to buy unnecessary bling for my S...S...S...uzuki....

Typical...where's the help when you need it...

There's three options available to you my pet. I'd start with option 1, and go from there.

1) Financially conservative option: Next time you have to use the lavatory for more... ah... solid reasons, do not flush. Scoop, then apply to your Su.. Su.. Su.. bike. It will suit your bike more and be cheaper.

2) Socially liberal option: Buy the bling. Cruise down Kings Cross. Pick up a cute little tight-arsed twink.

3) Door #1 or door #2: Door #1 has a kawasaki behind it. Door #2 has a can of petrol and some matches. Douse yourself and light up, because life isn't worth living without Kwakas, my dear

Thanks Aunty Cath...I feel so...relieved...

Not a problem my little love muffin. Go with love

And as a bit of bonus advice: leave those chooks alone you incorrigible degenerate

.... Pick up a cute little tight-arsed twink......

well it worked for you eh Aunty Cath ?