BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

[luis kawi]

[luis kawi]

!!!!BLOW JOBS!!!!

WHAT A GIRL HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First and foremost, we are not obligated to do it.

2. Extension to rule ..1 - So if you get one, be grateful.

3. I don't care WHAT they did in the porn video you saw, it is not standard practice to cum on someone's face.

4. Extension to rule ..3 - No, I DON'T have to swallow.

5. My ears are NOT handles.

6. Extension to rule ..5 - do not push on the top of my head. Last I heard, deep throat had been done. And additionally, do you really WANT puke on your dick?

7. I don't care HOW relaxed you get, it is NEVER OK to fart.

8. Having my period does not mean that it's "hummer week" - get it through your head - I'm bloated and I feel like shit so no, I don't feel particularly obligated to blow you just because YOU can't have sex right now.

9. Extension to ..8 - "Blue Balls" might have worked on high school girls - if you're that desperate, go jerk off and leave me alone with my Midol.

10. If I have to pause to remove a pubic hair from my teeth, don't tell me I've just "wrecked it" for you.

11. Leaving me in bed while you go play video games immediately afterwards is highly inadvisable if you would like my behavior to be repeated in the future.

12. If you like how we do it, it's probably best not to speculate about the origins of our talent. Just enjoy the moment and be happy that we're good at it. See also rule ..2 about gratitude.

13. No, it doesn't particularly taste good. And I don't care about
the protein content.

14. No, I will NOT do it while you watch TV.

15. When you hear your friends complain about how they don't get blow jobs often enough, keep your mouth shut. It is inappropriate to either sympathize or brag.

16. Just because "it's awake" when you get up does not mean I have to "kiss it good morning."



WHAT A GUY HAS TO SAY ON THE SUBJECT

1. First of all, yes you're obligated to do it. If you don't, we will find someone (younger, prettier and dirtier) who will.

2. Second, swallowing a teaspoon full of cream is a hell of a lot easier
than licking a dead fish.

3. You want to talk about farting? Does the word "queef" mean anything to you?

4. I will use your ears as I see fit. don't worry about it and be thankful I'm not pulling your hair.

5. When you're on your period, stuffing something in your mouth is the only way to stop you from bitching and moaning. Suck it up!

6. Speaking of which, if you are bleeding for five straight days, you need all the fluids you can get. Trust me.

7. You bitch about the taste, but trust me when I tell you that we get the short end of the stick in flavor country.

8. At least there is no danger of a dick bleeding in your mouth.

9. Play with the balls.

10. No matter how good you think you are at it, we've had better.

11. Caress the ass, too. We like that!

12. Make hay when the sun shines. It's "wide awake" in the morning now, but when you get old & fat and looking for some action, I gah-ron-tee it'll be "sound asleep."

13. If you swallow, then you don't have to worry about getting any on your face, now will you?

[SoundGuy]

[Nelso]

After a night of drinking, Brian crept into bed beside his wife who was
>> already asleep. He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep.
>>
>>
>> When he awoke he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed
>> wearing a long flowing white robe.
>>
>> "Who the hell are you?" demanded Brian, "and what are you doing in my
>> bedroom?"
>>
>> The mysterious man answered, "This isn't your bedroom, and I'm St
>> Peter".
>>
>> Brian was stunned. "You mean I'm dead? That can't be, I have so much to
>> live for, I haven't said goodbye to my family.... you've got to send me
>> back straight away."
>>
>> St Peter replied, "Yes, you can be reincarnated, but there is a catch.
>> We can only send you back as a dog or a hen."
>>
>> Brian was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
>> house, he asked to be sent back as a hen. A flash of light later, he was
>> covered in feathers and clucking around pecking the ground. "This ain't
>> so bad," he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside
>> him.
>>
>> The farmyard rooster strolled over and said, "So you're the new hen.
>>
>> How are you enjoying your first day here?
>>
>> "It's not so bad," replied Brian, "but I have this strange feeling
>> inside like I'm about to explode."
>>
>> "You're ovulating," explained the rooster, "don't tell me you've never
>> laid an egg before."
>>
>> "Never," replied Brian.
>>
>> "Well, just relax and let it happen." And so he did, and after a few
>> uncomfortable seconds later, an egg popped out from under his tail.
>>
>> An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the
>> better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
>>
>> When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
>> and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that had
>> happened to him... ever!!!
>>
>> The joy kept coming, and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
>> felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
>> shouting,
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> "Brian! Wake up, you drunk bastard, you're shitting the bed."
>>

[Nelso]

LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 1)



A teacher asks her class, "If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many will be left?"

She calls on little Ralphy.



He replies, "None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot."



The teacher replies, "The correct answer is 4, but I like your thinking."



Then little RALPHY says, "I have a question for YOU.



There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream:



One is delicately licking the sides of the triple scoop of ice crea m.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.



The third is biting off the top of the ice cream.

Which one is married?"



The teacher, blushing a great deal, replied, "Well, I suppose the one that's gobbled down the top and sucked the cone."



To which Little RALPHY replied, "The correct answer is 'the one with the wedding ring on," but I like your thinking."





LITTLE RALPHY ON MATH (Part 2)





Little RALPHY returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.



"Why?" asks the father?



"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3,'" I said "6", replies RALPHY.



"But that's right!" says his dad.



"Yeah, but then she asked me "How much is 3x2?'"



"What's the f...... difference?" asks the father.



"That's what I said!"







LITTLE RALPHY ON ENGLISH





Little RALPHY goes to school, and the teacher says, "Today we are going to learn multi-syllable words, class. Does anybody have an example of a multi-syllable word?"



RALPHY says "Mas-tur-bate."



Miss Rogers smiles and says, "Wow, little RALPHY, that's a mouthful."



Little RALPHY says, "No, Miss Rogers, you're thinking of a blowjob."







LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR





Little RALPHY was sitting in class one day.

All of a sudden, he needed to go to the toilet.

He yelled out, "Miss Jones, I need to take a piss!!"



The teacher replied, 'Now, RALPHY, that is NOT the proper word to use in this situation.

The correct word you want to use is 'urinate.'

Please use the word 'ur-i-nate' in a sentence correctly, and I will allow you to go."



Little RALPHY, thinks for a bit, and then says, "You're an eight, but if

you had bigger tits, you'd be a TEN!"







LITTLE RALPHY ON GRAMMAR (Part 2)





One day, during lessons on proper grammar, the teacher asked for a show of hands from those who could use the word "beautiful" in the same sentence twice.



First, she called on little Suzie, who responded with, "My father bought my mother a beautiful dress and she looked beautiful in it."



"Very good, Suzie," replied the teacher. She then called on little Michael.



"My mummy planned a beautiful banquet and it turned out beautifully."



She said, "Excellent, Michael!" Then the teacher reluctantly called on little RALPHY.



"Last night at the dinner table, my sister told my father that she was pregnant, and he said 'Beautiful, just f...... beautiful!'"





LITTLE RALPHY ON GETTING OLDER





Little RALPHY was sitting on a park bench munching on one candy bar after another.

After the 6th one a man on the bench across from him said, "Son, you know eating all that candy isn't good for you. It will give you acne, rot your teeth, and make you fat."



Little RALPHY replied, "My grandfather lived to be 107 years old."



The man asked, "Did your grandfather eat 6 candy bars at a time?"

Little RALPHY answered, "No, he minded his own f....... business.







I LOVE Little RALPHY!!!!!

[Nelso]

A college professor was doing a study, testing the senses of first
Graders, by using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all the children the
Same kind of Lifesavers, one at a time, and asked them to identify
Them by colour and flavour.
The children began:
"Red............cherry,"
"Yellow.........lemon,"
"Green..........lime,"
"Orange........orange."
Finally the professor gave them all a HONEY-flavoured Lifesaver.
After eating them, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well," he
Said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes
Call your father."
One little girl looked up in horror, spat out her Lifesaver, and
Yelled,
"Oh My God! Spit them out everyone. They're arseholes!"

[Nelso]

The local Vicar explains that he must move on to a larger congregation

that will pay him more.


There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.

Mike Smith, who owns several car dealerships in the area , stands up

and proclaims: "If the Vicar stays, I will provide him with a new Holden every year

and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!"

The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.

Sam Brown, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, "If

the Vicar will stay on here, I'll personally double his salary, and establish a foundation to

guarantee private secondary school education of his children!"

More sighs and loud applause.

Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, "If the Vicar stays, I will give him sex."

There is total silence.

The Preacher, blushing, asks her: "Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?"

Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his

forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to

side, while his wife replies:

"Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said "Fuck the Vicar."

[Nelso]

An amazing elephant story...
Sometimes I like these heartwarming stories, but this one is truly interesting.



In 1986, Dan Harrison
was on holiday in Kenya after graduating
from Northwestern University.

On a hike through the bush, he came across
a young bull elephant standing with one leg
raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed,
so Dan approached it very carefully.

He got down on one knee and inspected the
elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood
deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked
the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the
elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather
curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments.

Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo
with his teenaged son.

As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures
turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr.
were standing.

The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot
off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several
times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help
wondering if this was the same elephant.

Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and
made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the
elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted
again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed
him against the railing, killing him instantly .

Probably wasn't the same elephant.

[ZXR750]

SOMETHING TO OFFEND EVERYONE

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?
The position of the dirt bag.

Why is divorce so expensive?
Because it's worth it.

What do you call a smart blonde?
A golden retriever.

What do lawyers use for birth control?
Their personalities.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?
20 kgs.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?
45 minutes.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.
Why do men want to marry virgins?
They can't stand criticism.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and good-looking?
Because those men already have boyfriends.

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?
After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in year 9.
Who has the biggest boobs?
The blonde, because she's 18.

What's the difference between a porcupine and a police car?
A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.

What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
'Are you sure it's mine?'

Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
Breasts don't have eyes.

What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other?
A speech impediment.

What's the difference between an Australian zoo and an English zoo?
An Australian zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage along with a recipe.

How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F... Word?
Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!

What's the difference between a northern USA fairytale and a southern USA fairytale?
A Northern fairytale begins 'Once upon a time...'
A southern fairytale begins 'Y'all ain't gonna believe this shiit...'

Why is there no Disneyland in China ?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

[Black Magic]

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor James at Saint Agnes Laboratory.
When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a
biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now
uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way
the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other
one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests
once and once only.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere
in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

[Black Magic]

Bragging about kids

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years, reunited at a
party

After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.

Those
who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, 'My son is my pride and joy. He started working
at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics
and Business Administration and soon began to climb the corporate ladder
and now he's the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave
his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his birthday.'

The second guy said, 'Darn, that's terrific! My son is also my pride
and joy. He started working for a big airline, then went to flight school
to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the company, where
he owns the majority of its assets He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday.'

The third man said: 'Well, that's terrific! My son studied in the
best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave away
something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday: A 30,000 square foot mansion.'

The three friends congratulated each other just as the fourth
returned from the restroom and asked: 'What are all the congratulations
for?'

One of the three said: 'We were talking about the pride we feel for
the successes of our sons. ...What about your son?'

The fourth man replied: 'My son is gay and makes a living dancing as
a stripper at a nightclub.'

The three friends said: 'What a shame... what a disappointment.'


The fourth man replied: 'No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two weeks ago, and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and
a top of the line Mercedes from his three boyfriends.'

[Black Magic]

Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.

Q: What do you call a handcuffed man?
A: Trustworthy.

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

Q: Why do female black widow spiders kill their males after mating?
A: To stop the snoring before it starts.

Q: Why do men whistle when they are sitting on the toilet?
A: It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.

Q: What is the difference between men and women?
A: A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need. A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manuals"

[Blurr]

please no more yellow

[Black Magic]

I'll make them red and BIG for you Blur.......

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm. It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey. The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back and said, 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice.

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight. The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! It’s your f***ing plane!!'

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night. After three hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses and lies on the bed spread-eagled and says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin’ bed by the looks of it!'

Q. What's a Catholic priest and a pint of Guinness got in common?
A. A black coat, white collar and you've got to watch your arse if you get a dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just cant hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Evertime I think of you my nuts
tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here but beauty is only a
light switch away!


Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath Beach was asked to identify her. A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said, 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'


Mick and Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.
Mick says 'Crikey, there’s a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What’s his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London!'

An Irishman is rowing his boat in a field of hay. Paddy drives past and stops. He looks at the Irishman in the boat and shouts 'It’s thick fu**wits like you that give us Irish a bad name! I'd come over there and kick the s**t out of you if I could swim!'

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy, 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home'. So, he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can’t work in the friggin’ dark!' says Murphy.