BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Nelso]

>
> WHAT PART OF YOUR BODY GOES TO HEAVEN FIRST
>
> The nun teaching Sunday school was speaking to her class one morning when
> she asked the question,
> 'When you die and go to Heaven...which part of your body goes first?'
>
> Suzy raised her hand and said, 'I think it's your hands'.
> 'Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?'
> Suzy replied, 'Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front
> of you and God just takes your hands first'.
> 'What a wonderful answer!' the nun said.
>
>
> Little Johnny raised his hand and said,
> 'Sister, I think it's your feet'..
> The nun looked at him with the strangest look on her face. 'Now,Little
> Johnny, why do you think it would be your feet?'
> Little Johnny said, 'Well, I walked into Mommy and Daddy's bedroom the other
> night, Mommy had her legs straight up in the air and she was sayin g, 'Oh!
> God, I'm coming!
> '.... and if Dad hadn't pinned her down, we'd have lost her'.
>
> The Nun fainted.
>

[Nelso]

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night.
She looked OK for a 61 year-old.
In fact, she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she
probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit, and had a bit of a snuggle, and then she asked if I'd ever
had a Sportsman's Double.

'What's that?' I asked.

'It's a mother and daughter threesome,' she said.

I said, 'No,' - excitedly.

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was 'my lucky night'.

I went back to her place.

She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: 'Mum, you still awake?'

[Nelso]

I recall my first time with a condom, I was 16 or so. I went in to buy a packet

of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful woman assistant behind

the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one.

I honestly answered, 'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb.

She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty.

It was empty. 'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside. 'Do these excite you?'

She asked.

Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was nod my head. She then

said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her panties, and lay

down on a desk.

'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no

longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown. 'Did you put that condom on?'

she asked .

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted.!!!!

[Nelso]

A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small town in Arkansas . With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde' jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and starts shouting: 'I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes! What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community, and from reaching our full potential as a person! You and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general, and all in the name of humour!'

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize, and the blonde yells, 'You stay out of this, Mister! I'm talking to that little shit on your knee!'

[Nelso]

> A fellow joined his mates for the annual golf tournament.

> Going round the course, the fellow took a shot which landed way off

> course among

> the trees, so he went to look for his ball.

At the foot of a tree he saw his ball, as well as a little leprechaun

> flat on

> his back, out cold, and with a big red bump on his forehead.

> Realizing what he'd done he tried to revive the leprechaun, talking to

> him, and

> gently coaxing him.

> There was no reaction so he found a container, got some water and poured

> it on

> to the leprechaun's head, soothing him as he did.

> The leprechaun came round and the golfer was very apologetic for

> knocking him

> out.

> 'Ah, don't worry', the leprechaun said. 'That was a good thing you did,

> getting

> the water and all that. You were very kind. For that I'll give you three

> gifts.'

> 'Oh, there's no need to do that, thank you. I'm just glad that you're

> ok' said

> the golfer and went on his way.

> The leprechaun wanted to repay him and thought to himself, 'Now, what

> would I

> like?' The first thing he thought of was good health, and he wished the

> golfer

> good health and a long life. The second thing he thought of was money,

> so he

> wished the golfer always had money in his pocket. The third thing he

> wished for

> the golfer was that he had good sex and plenty of it.

> A year passed and the annual tournament was on again. The same fellow

> joined his

> mates again, and again hit his ball among the trees.

> When he went looking for it he found the leprechaun there again, sitting

> on a

> tree stump. 'Ah my friend', the leprechaun said. 'How are you?'

> The golfer replied that he'd never felt better. 'I did that for you,'

> the

> leprechaun said. 'And how's things financially?'

> 'It's strange,' the golfer said. 'Every time I put my hand in my pocket

> I found

> a 100 pound note.' 'I did that for you,' the leprechaun said again.

> 'And sex,' the leprechaun asked. 'How often do you have sex?'

> 'I usually manage it once a week', the golfer said.

> 'Only once a week?' the leprechaun asks. 'I thought you'd do better than

> that. I

> wished you more than that.'

> The golfer replied 'Well, I don't do so bad for a Roman Catholic priest

> with a

> small parish.'

>

[Nelso]

A blonde went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas.

When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed: 'I don't have any money.' But I'd do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother.'

The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect).

'Anything?' he asked.

'Yes, yes, anything' the blonde promised.

Well, then, 'Just follow me' said the man as he walked towards the next room.
The blonde did as she was told and followed the man.
' Come in and close the door' the man said.

She did.

He then said 'Now get on your knees.'

She did.

'Now take down my zipper.'

She did.

'Now go ahead ... take it out.....' He said.

She reached in and grabbed it with both hands .

Then paused.

The man closed his eyes and whispered ..

'Well ... go ahead.'

The blonde slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, .... ...tentatively said ....
'Hello Mom, can you hear me?'

[Black Magic]

You are a sick man Nelso! Don't ever show your face in this thread again!

[6maniac]

What part of that was sick ?

[Nelso]

Since you like little Johnny jokes. I have loads of these but I just have to go back and find them.


A Year three teacher is giving a lesson on nutrition, and she decides to
ask her students what they had for breakfast.
To add a spelling component, she asks the students to also spell their
answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an egg,
'E-G-G'.
'Very good', says the teacher.
Peter says he had toast. 'T-O-A-S-T'.
'Excellent.'
Johnny has his hand up and the teacher reluctantly calls on him.
'I had bugger all', he says, 'B-U-G-G-E-R A-L-L'.
The teacher is mortified and scolds Johnny for his rude answer.
Later when the lesson turns to geography, she asks the students some
rudimentary questions.
Susan correctly identifies the Capital of New Guinea. Peter is able to tell
her which ocean is off New Zealand's east coast.
When it's Johnny's turn, the teacher remembers his rude answer from the
nutrition lesson, and decides to give him a very difficult question.
Johnny, she asks, 'Where is the Pakistani border?'
Johnny ponders the question and finally says, 'The Pakistani boarder is in
bed with my mother.
That's why I got bugger all for breakfast'.

[Nelso]

One more for now.

Three Aussie guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Kevin. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, 'Someone should go and tell his wife.' Kevin says, 'OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it.' Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters. Bruce says, 'Where did you get that, Kev?' 'Steve's wife gave it to me,' Bruce replies. 'That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?' 'Well not exactly,' Kevin said. 'When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'.'

[Black Magic]

What part of that was sick ?

Chucking off at blondes like that is just not acceptable!

A Tasmanian couple is walking out of the divorce court and the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for god's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not listening'

__________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.

__________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and leaves.

__________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today.

Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

__________________________________

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

__________________________________

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you bastard'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'Piss off it'll be too painful'.
Now who's laughing? '

[6maniac]

Luv your work, Wendy ! lmao !!!

[ZXR750]

What part of that was sick ?

Chucking off at blondes like that is just not acceptable!

A Tasmanian couple is walking out of the divorce court and the wife is crying her heart out.

Husband says ' Oh for god's sake stop crying, you're still my sister'

__________________________________

My ex-wife asked what reincarnation is. I explained, when you die you come back as something else.

She said she wanted to come back as a pig.

I said, 'You're not listening'

__________________________________

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan, told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck or fly a plane.

__________________________________

I am going to watch my wedding video in reverse later. I love the part where she takes her ring off and walks down the aisle backwards, gets in the car and leaves.

__________________________________

A car bomb was found outside Lakemba mosque today.

Police have urged the public not to panic as they have managed to push it inside the mosque.

__________________________________

Woman goes into a shoe shop and sees a gorgeous pair of white stilettos.
She asks what are they made of.

The assistant said they were made from human skin and cost $1500.00 a pair.

The woman said she could not afford that. The assistant said says 'Don't worry, we have them in black for $4.99.

__________________________________

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you bastard'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'Piss off it'll be too painful'.
Now who's laughing? '

Congrats Wendy.

You have managed to offend females, blacks, muslims, and Tasmanians with one quick post. I recon that would be about 80% of the population.

If you put a little bit of effort in I think you can get the last 20% pissed off too. Kepp it up That was one of the better ones for some time.

[red_dave]

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you bastard'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'Piss off it'll be too painful'.
Now who's laughing?

Hahahahahahahahahahahah!

Writing that one down

[fireyrob]

Woman in labour, shouting and screaming as usual, 'get this out of me, give me drugs'.

She turns to the boyfriend and says 'You did this to me you bastard'.

He replied casually, 'If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your ass but you said, 'Piss off it'll be too painful'.
Now who's laughing?

Hahahahahahahahahahahah!

Writing that one down

Keep it on a postal note for me would you Dave? Bloody Dolphin calls...