BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Vet nurse joke .....

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a little lizard
Walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some." So the Little
lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few
joints.

After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to
Get a drink from the river.

The little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls
Into The river. A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard
And Helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard, "what's the matter
with you?" The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was
sitting smoking joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and
then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle,
finds the tree where the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he
looks up and says "hey you!"

The Monkey looks down and says "faaaaarrrrk dude.......how much water
Did you drink?!!"

[Black Magic]

WHICH WOULD U CHOOSE?

CAKE OR BED?????

A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME

WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS,

HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY?

IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW.

HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY;

FIX THE LIGHT, NOW?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE A G.E. LOGO PRINTED ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

THE WIFE ASKS, WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT.

TO WHICH HE REPLIED, FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR?

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE WESTINGHOUSE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

FINE, SHE SAYS THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR?

THEY'RE ABOUT TO BREAK.

I'M NOT A DAMN CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS, HE SAYS.

DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ACE HARDWARE WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

I'M GOING TO THE BAR!!!

SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME AND HELP OUT.

AS HE WALKS INTO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED.

AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING.

AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED.

HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED?

SHE SAID, WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE

YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE

REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE A CAKE.

HE SAID, SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE HIM?

SHE REPLIED,

HELLOOOOO.......DO YOU SEE BETTY CROCKER WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD?

I DON'T THINK SO!

[Black Magic]

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.

It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.

Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves..'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, £5,000 for a male brain, and £200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask, 'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains , because they've actually been used.'

[Black Magic]

A cabbie picks up a Nun.
She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: 'I have a question to ask you but I don't want to offend you.'
She answers, 'My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'
'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'
She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'
The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'
'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.' The nun fulfills his fantasy, with a kiss that would make a hooker blush, but when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
'My dear child,' says the nun, 'why are you crying?'
'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish.'
The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

[Black Magic]

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is that you can hang out in Heaven with anyone you want."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."
St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room, and introduced him to God. God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented motorcycles, eh?!

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me..."
God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution, and can't run without a road?!"
Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke.

"Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman???" God said, "Ah, yes."
"Well," said Arthur, "Professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:
1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!"
"Hmmmm, you have some good points there..." replied God.

"It may be true that my invention is flawed, but according to my calculations,
more men are riding my invention than yours!"

[matt76]

NWS

I thought this was hilarious but it may offend some viewers...don't shoot the messenger.... just don't open it if you are easily offended.......

The Assumption Song....

I love it !

[Black Magic]

Three reasons to stop drinking......

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=dW4GtjqFZ-8

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=nnl8IcK-ib0

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=Jsiw-b8TDOg

[Blurr]

why can i feel some monkey porn coming on!!!

[Black Magic]

Here ya go Blurr- something to get your mind off monkeys ......
(No offence to our wonderful constabulary that we all know and love- especially you Aardy )


A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager."Boss, I
gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The pig's OK, but he's
stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and is wriggling and squealing
so much I can't get him out."



The manager says, " Ok, there's a 303 behind
the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove
him."



Five minutes later, the farmhand calls back. "I did what you said
boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the
bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't get going".



"Now what's the problem?!" raged the manager. "Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing
blue light is stuck under the right front wheel arch!"

[Black Magic]

This guy has always dreamed of owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer and he picks out the perfect bike. While getting all the paperwork together, the dealer tells him about an old biker-trick that will keep the chrome on his new bike free from rust. The trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and put it on the chrome before it rains, and everything will be fine. He happily pays for the bike and leaves.
A few months later, the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She wants him to meet her parents so she asks him to come to dinner. He readily accepts and the date is set. At the appointed time, he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents' house. Before they go in, she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.
After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes, the young man decides to speed things up. He reaches over and kisses his woman in front of her family. No one says a word. Emboldened, he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. No one says a word. Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws HER on the table.
They have even wilder sex. No one says a word. He is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out his jar of Vaseline.
The father says "Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes!"

[Black Magic]

Top 52 things to say at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of sh*t.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. Who lit the fuse on your tampon?

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f ***-up fairy has visited us again..

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12.. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a sh*t.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off..

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f****** people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set the laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a big black hole of need..

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.

[Black Magic]

Still laughing at this one.....

Little Tony was staying with his grandmother for a few days.

He'd been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into
the house and asked her, "Grandma, what's that called when two people sleep
in the same room and one is on top of the other?"
She was a little taken aback, but she decided to just tell him the truth.
"It's called sexual intercourse, darling."

Little Tony just said, "Oh, OK," and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, "Grandma, it isn't
called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds ... and Jimmy's Mom wants
to talk to you."

[Black Magic]

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl".

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Tony Funacelli?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Tony, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Maria Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Tony Funacelli, and I admire that. But you've sinned and you have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Tony walks back to his pew. His friend Nino slides over and whispers, "Well, what'd you get?"

"4 months' vacation and five good leads

[Black Magic]

That's how the fight started....

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace
expensive....so, I
took her to a gas station.....
and then the fight started....


*********************************************************

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.
And that's when the fight started.

*************************************************************

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter
asked me for my driver's
license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realised I had left my wallet at
home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home
and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.
You might have gotten disability, too'
And then the fight
started.....


*************************************************************


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my
high school reunion, and
I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat
alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'
'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she
took to drinking right after we split up those
many years ago, and I hear she hasn't
been sober since.'
'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could
go on celebrating that long?'
And then the fight started.....

************************************************************


I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were
alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of
his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo
stressed
and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a
DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and
shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'
And that's how the fight
started.....


*************************************************************
I took my wife to a
restaurant. The waiter, for some
reason, took my order first.
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.
'He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'
And that's how the fight started...

[ZXR750]

BM You can't be responsible for all of the jokes you will one day run out. I hope this helps add to your section.
LAs Vagas.

THIS MAY COME AS A SURPRISE TO THOSE OF YOU NOT LIVING IN LAS VEGAS , BUT THERE ARE MORE CATHOLIC CHURCHES THAN CASINOS.


NOT SURPRISINGLY, SOME WORSHIPPERS AT SUNDAY SERVICES WILL GIVE CASINO CHIPS RATHER THAN CASH WHEN THE BASKET IS PASSED.

SINCE THEY GET CHIPS FROM MANY DIFFERENT CASINOS, THE CHURCHES HAVE DEVISED A METHOD TO COLLECT THE OFFERINGS.


THE CHURCHES SEND ALL THEIR COLLECTED CHIPS TO A NEARBY FRANCISCAN MONASTERY FOR SORTING AND THEN THE CHIPS ARE TAKEN TO THE CASINOS OF ORIGIN AND CASHED IN.











THIS IS DONE BY THE CHIP MONKS...!.