BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Application for a Girl's Night Out

Application for a Night Out with the Girls
Name of Girlfriend/Fiancee/Partner/Wife:


I'M GOING OUT, OK


______________________________________
Signed: (me)

[Gazza]

Two blokes walk into a bar!

You'd think one of them would have seen it.

[Gazza]

This guy was walking through the fields of new zealand when he came across one of the locals
getting a little friendly with a sheep if you know what i mean.
the guy says to the local, "we dont do that back home , we sheer our sheep back in australia"
the local turns to the guy and says.
" we dont sheer our sheep with nobody ".

[Black Magic]

Thanks for the input Gazza- I was starting to think that everyone had lost their sense of humour on here!

[triway]

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.'

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.


The first floor has wives that love sex.


The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.


The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

[Jonno]

Why bike riders don’t wave back



The top 10 reasons why Gold Wing riders don’t wave back



10 He wasn’t sure whether the other rider was waving or making an obscene gesture.

9 Afraid he might get frostbite if he removed his hand from the heated grips

8 He has arthritis which makes it difficult for him to raise his arm

7 The reflection from his etched windscreen momentarily blinded him

6 The expresso machine just finished and he was trying to get his cup refilled

5 He was asleep when the other rider waved

4 He was in a 3 way conference call with his stockbroker and accessories dealer

3 He was distracted by an odd shaped blip on his radar screen

2 Was simultaneously adjusting the air suspension, seat height, programmable CD player, seat temperature and satellite navigation system

1 He couldn’t find the ‘auto wave back’ button on the dashboard



The top 10 reasons that Sportsbike riders don’t wave back



10 He hasn’t been riding long enough to know that he’s supposed to

9 He’s going too fast to have time to register the movement and respond

8 You weren’t wearing bright enough gear

7 If he sticks his arm out going that fast, he’ll rip it out of its socket

6 He looks way too cool with his right hand on the handlebars and his left hand on his hip

5 He’ll unbalance himself while standing on the tank

4 His skin-tight-kevlar-ballistic-nylon-kangaroo-leather suit prevents any position other than foetal

3 Raising his arm allows bugs into the armhole of his tank top

2 Its too hard to do one handed stoppies

1 He was too busy slipping his flip-flops back on



The top 10 reasons that BMW riders don’t wave back



10 The new aerostitch suit is too stiff to raise his arm

9 Removing a hand from the ‘bars is considered bad form

8 Your bike doesn’t look weird enough to justify a response

7 Too sore from an 800 mile day on a stock comfort seat

6 Too busy programming the GPS, monitoring radar, listening to ipod or talking on the mobile phone

5 He’s an iron arsed rider and you’re not

4 The wires from the Gerbing heated clothing are too short

3 You’re not riding the right kind of BMW

2 You haven’t been properly introduced

1 He’s afraid it will be misinterpreted as a friendly gesture



The top 10 reasons that Harley riders don’t wave back



10 He’s afraid it will invalidate his warranty

9 The leather and studs make it too difficult to raise his arm

8 He refuses to wave to anyone who’s bike is already paid for

7 Afraid to let go of the handlebars because he might vibrate off

6 The rushing wind would blow the scabs of his new tattoos

5 He’s just discovered the fine print in his owners manual & realised that H-D is partially owned by Honda

3 He can’t tell if the other rider is waving, or covering his ears like everyone else

2 He remembers the last time a Harley rider waved back; he impaled his hand onto his spiked helmet

1 He’s too tired from polishing the chromework to lift his arm

[Jonno]

Why are Harley races only 3 laps?



One lap on the bike,





2nd lap running back to pitlane,



then the last lap with the trailer.

[Black Magic]

Wife: 'What are you doing?'
Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiration date.'
-------------------------------

Wife: 'Do you want dinner?'
Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
_____________________

Wife: 'You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this one?'
--------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever
Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' [/color]
------------------------------

[color=#FF8000]Son: 'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, you have done the right thing.'
Son: 'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'

________________________________

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'
'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'

------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.' -------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humor!'

[Black Magic]

A little boy goes to his father and asks, 'What is Politics and why is that Gordon Brown on the television again?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I am the head of the family, so call me The Prime Minister.
Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.
We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.
The nanny, we will consider her the Working Class.
And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.'

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night he hears his baby brother crying so he gets up to check on him.
He finds that the baby has severely soiled his nappy. So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep. Not wanting to wake her he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The Prime Minister is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit

[matt76]

I love em! Keep them coming

[Black Magic]

One for Matt......

Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp near Washington,DC.

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well," said the big 'gator, What you been eatin' boy?"

"Politicians, same as you," replied the small 'gator.

"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"

"Down 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot by the capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch 'em?"

"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big alligator, "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a Politician, there ain't nothin' left but an asshole and a briefcase!!"

[Black Magic]

One for 6maniac......

Computer.PNG (61.44 KiB) Viewed 2055 times

[Black Magic]

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[6maniac]

One for 6maniac......

Computer.PNG

Hey Wendy, have you been told today ??

[6maniac]

Anyway, you're only as old as the one you're feeling.