BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

I have an elderley client from work that emails me a whole bunch of risque jokes etc. Thought I'd share some of them with you....

Dancing with a Man......

[Jonno]

Now this is what I call dancing BY the man

[Black Magic]

A man is back from Thailand with his new Thai bride.
Lying in bed, the Thai bride is playing with his private parts, slowly up and down.

The old boy says "You must love that, you haven't left it alone, since we got back."

The bride replied, "Not really, I just miss mine."

[Black Magic]

Mrs. Donovan was walking down O'Connell Street, in Dublin when she met up with Father Flaherty.

The Father said, 'Top o' the mornin' to ye! Aren't ye Mrs. Donovan and didn't I marry ye and yer hoosband 2 years ago?' She replied, 'Aye that ye did, Father.'

The Father asked, 'And be there any wee little ones yet?'

She replied, 'No, not yet, Father.'

The Father said, 'Well now, I'm going to Rome next week and I'll light a candle for ye and yer hoosband.'

She replied, 'Oh, thank ye Father.' They then parted ways.

Some years later they met again. The Father asked, 'Well now, Mrs. Donovan, how are ye these days?'

She replied, 'Oh, very well, Father!' The Father asked, 'And tell me have ye any wee ones yet?'

She replied, 'Oh yes, Father! Three sets of twins and 4 singles, 10 in all!'

The Father said, 'That's wonderful! How is yer loving hoosband doing?'

She replied, 'E's gone to Rome to blow out yer fookin' candle.'

[Black Magic]

Today's the Day.wmv

(1.88 MiB) Downloaded 212 times

[Black Magic]

They're getting worse- hope this gives you all a smile!



Three handsome male dogs are walking down the street when they see a beautiful, enticing, female poodle.

The three male dogs fall all over themselves in an effort to be the one to reach her first, but end up arriving in front of her at the same time.

The males are speechless before her beauty, slobbering on themselves and hoping for just a glance from her in return.

Aware of her charms and her obvious effect on the three suitors, she decides to be kind and tells them, 'The first one who can use the words 'liver' and 'cheese' together in an imaginative, intelligent sentence can go out with me.'

The sturdy, muscular black lab speaks up quickly and says, 'I love liver and cheese.'

'Oh , how childish,' said the poodle. 'That shows no imagination or intelligence whatsoever.'

She turns to the tall, shiny golden retriever and says 'How well can you do?'

'Um. I HATE liver and cheese,' blurts the golden retriever.

'My, my,' said the poodle. 'I guess it's hopeless. That's just as dumb as the lab's sentence.'

She then turns to the last of the three dogs and says, 'How about you, little guy?'

The last of the three, tiny in stature but big in fame and finesse, is the Taco Bell chihuahua .

He gives her a smile, a sly wink, turns to the golden retriever and the lab and says....



Liver alone. Cheese mine.

[Black Magic]

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods. She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap.

The frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention that there was a condition to your wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay."

For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in the world.

The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will flock to".

The woman replied, "That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.

The frog said, "That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will be ten times richer than you."

The woman said, "That's okay, because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop here and continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please read on.

The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really smart. Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

[Black Magic]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a Small village and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi

'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'

Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the Villager)

Dog: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'

Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'

Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'

Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either...I think.'

Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'

Horse: 'Cool'

Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)

Horse: 'Yep'

Ventriloquist: How does he treat you?

Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, Brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the Elements.'

Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'

Kiwi: (in a panic) 'The sheep's a f*****' liar……'

[robracer]

So True

[Black Magic]

Zen sarcasm.....


a.. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
b.. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tyre.
c.. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbour's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
d.. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
e.. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
f.. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
g.. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
h.. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
i.. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
j.. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
k.. If you lend someone £20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
l.. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
m.. Some days you're the bug; some days you're the windshield.
n.. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
o.. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
p.. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
q.. Duct tape is like 'The Force.' It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
r.. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
s.. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
t.. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
u.. Never miss a good chance to shut up.
v.. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

[Black Magic]

Hmmm- some people's worst nightmare- no porn sites AND a computer glitch!!!

Computer error.gif (13.65 KiB) Viewed 4073 times

[Black Magic]

Noahs Ark.jpg (51.02 KiB) Viewed 3946 times

Opportunity knocks.....jpg (23.02 KiB) Viewed 3914 times

[Black Magic]

Fred and Mary get married but couldn't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's Mom and Dad's house for their first night together. In the morning Johnny, Fred's little brother gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Fred and Mary are up yet.

She replies, 'No'.

Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

She replies, 'No.' Johnny says,

'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school.'

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, 'Are Fred and Mary up yet?'

His mom says, 'No.'

He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'

His mom replies, 'Ok, now tell me what you think?'

He says: 'Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think ... I gave him my airplane glue.'

[Black Magic]

[b]Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school in Tasmania where he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Rudd if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'. So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.

A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a 'tragedy.'

No,' said Rudd "that would be an accident.'

A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside that would be a tragedy'

'I'm afraid not,' explained MR. Rudd "that's what we would call great loss'

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Rudd searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'

Finally at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand.

In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Mrs. Rudd was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and was blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'

'Fantastic!' exclaimed Rudd. 'That's right.and can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'

'Well says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a f*****g accident either!' [/b]

[Black Magic]

Application for a Night Out with the Boys
Name of Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband:

I request permission for a leave of absence from the highest authority in my life for the following period:

Date:
Time of departure:
Time of return(NOT to be exceeded):

Should permission be granted, I do solemnly swear to only visit the locations stated below, at the stated times. I agree to refrain from hitting on or flirting with other women. I shall not even speak to another female, except as expressly permitted in writing below. I will not turn off my cell phone after two pints, nor shall I consume above the allowed volume of alcohol without first phoning for a taxi AND calling you for a verbal waiver of said alcohol allowance. I understand that even if permission is granted to go out, my girlfriend/fiancé/wife retains the right to be pissed off with me the following week for no valid reason whatsoever.

Amount of alcohol allowed (units)
Beer:
Wine:
Liquor:
Total:

Locations to be visited:




IMPORTANT STRIPPER CLAUSE: Notwithstanding the female contact permitted above, I promise to refrain from coming within one hundred (100) feet of a stripper or exotic dancer. Violation of this Stripper Clause shall be grounds for immediate termination of the relationship.

I acknowledge my position in life. I know who wears the trousers in our relationship, and I agree it’s not me. I promise to abide by your rules & regulations. I understand that this is going to cost me a fortune in chocolates & flowers. You reserve the right to obtain and use my credit cards whenever you wish to do so. I hereby promise to take you to a concert/movie of your choice, should I not return home by the approved time. On my way home, I will not pick a fight with any stranger, nor shall I conduct in depth discussions with same. Upon my return home, I promise not to urinate anywhere other than in the toilet. In addition, I will refrain from waking you up, breathing my vile breath in your face, and attempting to breed like a (drunken) rabbit.

I declare that to the best of my knowledge (of which I have none compared to my BETTER half), the above information is correct.




__________________________________________
Signed -Boyfriend/Fiancé/Husband


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Request is: APPROVED/DENIED

This decision is not negotiable. If approved, cut permission slip below and carry at all times.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Permission for my boyfriend/fiancé/husband to be away for the following period of time:
Date:
Time of departure:
Time of return:



___________________________________________
Signed - Girlfriend/Fiancé/Wife
__________________