BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

go ride ur spewzuki wendy

One for baby ninja before I fly out.....


A man wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof. He looks in the yellow pages under Bear Removers. The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a mean old pit bull. " What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks. "I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then i'm going to go up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pitbull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van. He hands the shotgun to the homeowner. What's the shotgun for? asks the homeowner. If the bear knocks me off the roof' shoot the dog!

[Six Addict]

thanks wendy!!!!

[matt76]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"

[Black Magic]

Thanks Matt

Confident of a victory in November,
Obama has announced his cabinet selections.
Thought you might like to see who some of them are.

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[Black Magic]

One to get my Dad's mind off the state of the stock market.....

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days Origami Bank has folded, Sumo Bank has gone belly up and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday, it was announced that Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks, Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

[Black Magic]

How do you know when a catholic is driving too fast?

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Jewish Olympic Swimmer

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The Woodpecker has to go!

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[Black Magic]

Two Kiwis, Rangi and Hemi are walking down a street in Bondi. Rangi happens to look in one of the shop windows and sees a sign that catches his eye. The sign said 'Suits $10.00 each, Shirts $4.00 each, Trousers $5.00 per pair'

Rangi says to his pal 'Hemi, look! We could buy a whole lot of those and whin we get beck to InZid, we could make a fortune. Now whin we go unto the shop, you be quiet, okay? Just lit me do all the talking cause uf they hear our accint, they might not be nice to us. I'll speak in my bist Aussie accint.'

'No worries smiled Hemi, I'll keep my mouth shut.'

They go in and Rangi says, 'I'll take fufty suits et $10.00 each, 100 shirts et $4.00 each, and fufty pairs of trousers et $5.00 each. I'll beck up my truck and...'

The owner of the shop interrupts, 'You're from New Zealand aren't you?'
'Well... yis,' says a surprised Rangi. 'How the hill dud you know thet?'

The owner says, 'This is a dry cleaners'.

[Black Magic]

THE RUDDMOBILE

Official Labor Party campaign car designed exactly the way Kevin lays out his message:

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'A NEW DIRECTION FOR WORKING FAMILIES', 'AN EDUCATION REVOLUTION'

[matt76]

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It's either my mum or my dad.
Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu.

But I think it's Colin

[Greenblood]

BEER vs. PUSSY: THE PLAYOFF






1. Beer is always wet. Pussy needs a little work. - One point to BEER

2. Warm beer tastes awful. - One point to Pussy

3. A really cold beer is satisfying. - One point to BEER

4. If after taking a swig of your favorite beer you find a hair between your teeth, you may vomit. - One point to Pussy

5. Ten beers in one night and you can't drive home. Ten Pussies in one night and you don't want to drive anywhere. - One point to Pussy

6. If you have a lot of beer in a public place, your reputation may suffer. If you eat any Pussy in public, you become a legend. - One point to Pussy

7. If a cop stops you and you smell of beer you may get arrested. If you smell of Pussy he may buy you a beer. - One point to Pussy

8. You normally don't find old beer. - One point to BEER

9. Too much beer and you'll think you see flying saucers. Too much Pussy and you'll think you've seen God. - One point to PUSSY

10. In most countries there's a tax on beer. - One point to PUSSY

11. If you have another beer the first one never gets pissed off - One point to BEER

12. You can always be sure if you're the first one to open a bottle or can. - One point to BEER

13. If you shake beer it'll get all agitated but it eventually it settles down. - One point to BEER

14. You always know how much beer is going to cost - One point to BEER

15. Beer doesn't have a mother - One point to BEER

16. Beer never expects to be hugged for half an hour after you've drank it - One point to BEER


FINAL SCORE: BEER 9
PUSSY 7

That's it! The matter is settled, the clear winner is: BEER

PS: If you are a woman and at this point feel angry, degraded or discriminated, just remember that Beer would experience none of those feelings, let alone express them. - An extra point for BEER

[Jennysc]

I'm a woman and I found that hilarious

[ZXR750]

Beer does not get upset if it smells another beer on your breathe. There is also a Penis v's Chocolate for the fairer sex but like a certain other thing I am having trouble finding it.

That reminds me what is the difference between a golf ball and a clitoris???
A man will spend up to 10 minutes trying to find a golf ball.

[Black Magic]

For the cheeky boys.....

20 REASONS CHOCOLATE IS BETTER THAN SEX

*You can GET chocolate.
*"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
*Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.

*You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
*You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
*You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.

*If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
*Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
*The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
*You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during
working hours without upsetting your work mates.
*You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
*You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
*With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
*Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
*You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
*Good chocolate is easy to find.
*You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.
*You are never too young or too old for chocolate.
*When you have chocolate it does not keep your neighbors awake.
* With chocolate size doesn't matter; it's always good.

[Black Magic]

Following are results from an OZ-words Competition where entrants were asked to take an Australian word, alter it by one letter only and supply a witty definition. Clearly, you need to be an Aussie to understand.

Billabonk: to make passionate love beside a waterhole.
Bludgie: a partner who doesn't work, but is kept as a pet.
Dodgeridoo: a fake indigenous artefact.
Fair drinkum: good-quality Aussie wine.
Flatypus: a cat that has been run over by a vehicle.
Mateshit: all your flatmate's belongings, lying strewn around the floor.

Shagman: an unemployed male, roaming the Australian bush in search of sexual activity.
Yabble: the unintelligible language of Australian freshwater crustaceans.
Bushwanker: a pretentious drongo, who reckons he's above average when it comes to handling himself in the scrub.
Crackie-daks: 'hipster' tracksuit pants.

And for the Kiwi's amongst us:

Shornbag: a particularly attractive naked sheep.

[Black Magic]

A passenger in a taxi leaned over to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder. The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.

For a few moments everything was silent in the cab and then the still shaking driver said, 'I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me.'

The frightened passenger apologized to the driver and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.


The driver replied, 'No, no, I'm sorry, it's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab.

I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.'