BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Dizzi]

Rudd , Gillard and Swan are flying on the Executive Airbus to a gathering in Canberra when Rudd turns to Gillard and says, chuckling,

'You know, I could throw a $1000 bill out the window right now and make someone very happy .'

Gillard shrugs and replies, 'Well, I could throw ten $100 bills out the window and make ten people happy.'

Not to be outdone, Swan says, 'Well I could throw a hundred $10 bills out the window and make a hundred people happy.'

The pilot rolls his eyes and says to his co-pilot, 'Such arrogant jerks back there. Heck, I could throw all three of them out the window and make 21 million people happy.'

[Dizzi]

ONLY AUSSIES

Being Australian is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for A Belgian beer, then on the way home, grabbing an Indian curry or A Turkish kebab, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.

Oh and....... Only in Australia ... can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Australia ... do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in Australia ... do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a DIET coke.
Only in Australia ... do banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the counters.
Only in Australia ... do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.

NOT TO MENTION....

3 Aussies die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.

58 Aussies are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.

8 Aussies had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.

A massive 543 Aussies were admitted to Emergency in the last two years after opening bottles of beer with their teeth.

and finally.........

In 2000 eight Aussies cracked their skull whilst throwing up into the toilet.

[Nelso]

> A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair
> styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.. She
> mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:
>
>
> " Rome ? Why would anyone want to go there? It's
> crowded and dirty.. You're crazy to go to Rome . So, how
> are you getting there?"
>
> "We're taking Continental," was the reply.
> "We got a great rate!"
>
>
> "Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "
> That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their
> flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So,
> where are you staying in Rome ?"
>
> "We'll be at this exclusive little place over on
> Rome 's Tiber River called Teste."
>
>
> "Don't go any further. I know that place.
> Everybody thinks its gonna be something special and
> exclusive, but it's really a
> dump."
>
> "We're going to go to see the Vatican and maybe
> get to see the Pope."
>
> "That's rich," laughed the hairdresser. You
> and a million othe r people trying to see him.
> He'll look the size of an
> ant.
>
> Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're
> going to need it."
>
>
> A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The
> hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome .
>
>
> "It was wonderful," explained the woman,
> "not only were we on time in one of Continental's
> brand new planes, but it was overbooked, and they bumped us
> up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I
> had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and
> foot
>
> And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5
> million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest
> hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they
> apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra
> charge!"
>
> "Well," muttered the hairdresser,
> "that's all well and good, but I know you
> didn't get to see the Pope."
>
>
> "Actually, we were quite lucky, because as we toured
> the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and
> explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors,
> and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room
> and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.
>
>
> Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through
> the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few
> words to me."
>
> "Oh, really! What'd he say ?"
>
>
>
> He said: "Who
> fucked up your hair?"

[Nelso]

Mohammed entered his classroom. "What is your name?" asked the teacher.

"Mohammed".... answered the kid.

"Here we are in Australia and, there is no Mohammed. From now on your name will be Bruce," replied the teacher.

In the evening, Mohammed returned home. "How was your day, Mohammed?" asked his mother.

"My name is not Mohammed, I am in Australia and now my name is Bruce."

"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to disown your parents, your heritage, your religion? Shame on you,"she said....
and then she beat him.

Then she called the father and he too beat him savagely.

The next day Mohammed returned to school. When the teacher saw him with all the bruises she asked: "What happened
to you little Bruce?"


"Well, Miss, 2 hours after becoming Australian I was attacked by two fuckin’ Arabs!..."

[Nelso]

THE GOLFING NUN.......

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'

'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'

'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.

And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'

'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'

'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'

'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'

Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...


'You missed the fucking putt, didn't you?'

[Nelso]

> An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of
> Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
>
> When the priest slid open the panel in the
> confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'
>
> The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you
> did, and you have no need to confess that.'
>
> 'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors.This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'
>
> The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh.
> However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'
>
> 'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind.
> I do have one more question.'
>
> 'And what is that?' asked the priest.
>
> 'Should I tell her the war is over?''

[Black Magic]

Thanks guys.
Here are my contributions to make your morning a bit better.....

A drunk who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?'

The priest replies, 'My Son it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.'

The drunk muttered in response, 'Well, I'll be damned,' then returned to his paper.

The priest thinking about what he had said nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does.'

[Black Magic]

Seven Kinds Of Sex ....




The 1st kind of sex is called ... Smurf Sex.

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone

and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.



The 2nd kind of sex is called ... Kitchen Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time

and you are so needy you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.



The 3rd kind of sex is called ... Bedroom Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time.

Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.



The 4th kind of sex is called ... Hallway Sex.

This is when you have been with your partner for too long.

When you pass each other in the hallway you both say ... 'F**k You.'



The 5th kind of sex is called ... Religious Sex.

Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night. (Very Popular)



The 6th kind is called ... Courtroom Sex.
This is when you cannot stand your wife/husband any more.

She/he takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And . Last ... But not least ....



The 7th kind of sex is called ... Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to enjoy yourself.

[badinov]

Yep I've had all of those kinds...
Now, just call me a wanker...

[Black Magic]

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,
"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to go Motor bike riding instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't waste time motorbike riding," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, Motor biking and sex."

[Black Magic]

I hope none of these guys are flying me to Tassie!

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

****************************************************************************************************
From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"
Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"
Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"

**************************************************************************************************
O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."
United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this..I've got the little Fokker in sight."

****************************************************************************************************
A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."

***************************************************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."

****************************************************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the following:
Lufthansa (in German): " Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany .. Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war!"

****************************************************************************************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency 124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way,after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: " Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."

*****************************************************************************************************
One day the pilot of a Cherokee 180 was told by the tower to hold short of the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned around, and taxied back past the Cherokee. Some quick-witted comedian in the DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make it all by yourself?"
The Cherokee pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll have enough parts for another one."

****************************************************************************************************
The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206.
Speedbird 206: " Frankfurt , Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."
Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."
The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop.
Ground: "Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"
Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."!
Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"
Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944, but it was dark, -- And I didn't land."

*************************************************************************************************
While taxiing at London 's Gatwick Airport , the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"
Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour, and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"
"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.
Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high. Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: "Wasn't I married to you once?-

[Black Magic]

blondestuckinshop.wmv

(1.99 MiB) Downloaded 127 times

[Black Magic]

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good but I wanted you to use the word fascinate not fascinating.'

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate.'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before. She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him for his offering.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried.

[Black Magic]

T his may be the best
Living Will I've Seen



I,__________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth grade biology if their lives depended on it, or lawyers/doctors interested in simply running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Glass of wine
Chocolate
Margarita
Sex
Chocolate
Steak
Iced Tea
Sex
Mexican food
Chocolate
Cheeseburgers
French Fries
Pizza
Sex
Ice cream
Strawberries
Chocolate
Daiquiri
Sex
Chocolate

It should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes, and call it a day!

[Black Magic]

I apologise in advance......

short and sweet but it cracked me up.

A man asked his wife, "What would you do if we won the Lottery?"

The wife replied, "I would take half and divorce you".
"That's good" he replied. "We won Division Four. Here is $12.50, Now fuck off".