BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

It was once said that a black man would become president when pigs flew. Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency!!!! Swine flew.

[Black Magic]

At St. Mary's Catholic Church they have a weekly husband’s marriage seminar. At the session last week the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, 'Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a her nicea, spenda da money on her but best of alla is, I tooka her to Italy for the 25th anniversary!'

The priest responded, 'Giuseppe, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here!

Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?'

Giuseppe proudly replied, 'I'm agonna go get her.

[Black Magic]

This one cracked me up.
Although whoever wrote it hasn't met my partner who is absolutely perfect!
(Does that get me off the hook for posting it babe?? )


FIFTEEN PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS AND GIRLFRIENDS ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

[ZXR750]

This one cracked me up.
Although whoever wrote it hasn't met my partner who is absolutely perfect!
(Does that get me off the hook for posting it babe?? )


FIFTEEN PIECES OF ADVICE TO BE PASSED ON TO YOUR MUM, YOUR DAUGHTERS OR GRANDDAUGHTERS, NIECES, AUNTS AND GIRLFRIENDS ETC.


1. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in nappies.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your man's mind wander - it's too little to be out alone.

5. Go for the younger man. You might as well, they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same, they just have different faces so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women don't make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. Best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in Biblical times men wouldn't ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him cheque books.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Settle down I resemble those remarks.

[ZXR750]

Baptising an Irishman

An Irishman, is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk, when he comes upon a preacher
baptising people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk,          
'Are you ready to find Jesus?'
The drunk shouts, 'Yes, oi am.'
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water.
He pulls him up and asks the drunk, 'Brother have you found Jesus?'
The drunk replies, 'No, oi haven't found Jesus.'
The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer.
He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, 'Have you found Jesus me brother?'
The drunk again answers, 'No,oi I haven't found Jesus.'
By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again ---
but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds  and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.
The preacher again asks the drunk, 'For the love of God have you found Jesus yet.?'

(Are you ready for this????)




Are you sure this is where he fell in.

[tim]

It was once said that a black man would become president when pigs flew. Sure enough, 100 days into Obama's presidency!!!! Swine flew.

[Black Magic]

Inspirational poster 1.jpg (31.87 KiB) Viewed 1635 times

Inspirational poster 2.jpg (59.24 KiB) Viewed 1637 times

[Black Magic]

Kevin Rudd was visiting a primary school and he visited one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Kevin, the saviour of 'working families', if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So Kevin (the saviour of 'working families') asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If my best friend, who lives on a farm is playing in the field and a tractor runs over him and kills him that would be a 'tragedy.'
No, said Kevin - that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside that would be a tragedy'
I'm afraid not, explained Kevin - that's what we would call great loss'
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Kevin searched the room. 'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room little Johnny raised his hand.
In a quiet voice he said: 'If a plane carrying you and Julia Gillard was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Kevin. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be tragedy?'
'Well,' says little Johnny 'it has to be a tragedy because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be a fuckin' accident either!'

[marksesh]

Two men are out ice fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.



Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Bob says,

"I'm gonna divorce my wife.  She hasn't spoken to me in over 2 months."

Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, "You better think it over very carefully, Bob.

 Women like that are  hard to find."

[Black Magic]

1.jpg (24.95 KiB) Viewed 1555 times

2.jpg (29.34 KiB) Viewed 1555 times

3.jpg (31.33 KiB) Viewed 1555 times

4.jpg (31.07 KiB) Viewed 1555 times

5.jpg (27.14 KiB) Viewed 1554 times

6.jpg (30.87 KiB) Viewed 1553 times

7.jpg (46.09 KiB) Viewed 1553 times

[Black Magic]

8.jpg (28.89 KiB) Viewed 1542 times

9.jpg (24.31 KiB) Viewed 1542 times

10.jpg (44.27 KiB) Viewed 1541 times

11.jpg (44.48 KiB) Viewed 1540 times

[Black Magic]

12.jpg (20.02 KiB) Viewed 1537 times

13.jpg (26.99 KiB) Viewed 1537 times

14.jpg (27.01 KiB) Viewed 1537 times

15.jpg (18.98 KiB) Viewed 1537 times

16.jpg (23.76 KiB) Viewed 1537 times

[Black Magic]

On a bitterly cold winters morning a husband and wife in Dublin were listening to the radio during breakfast.

They heard the announcer Say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street so the Snowplows can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car. A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very upset and with a worried look on her face she said, "Honey, I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied "Why don't you just leave the fucking car in the garage this time."

[clanga61]

Sky Scrapper Is on fire,Paddy is on the pavement and looks up and shouts,Jump i,ll catch you,Lady jumps and Paddy catches her,Then man jumps and he catches him,Then an Abo jumps and THUMP he hits the pavement,Paddy looks up an says,Dont throw out the burnt ones.

[clanga61]

Little red riding hood is skipping through the forest when she see,s the big bad wolf in the trees,Oh my, what big eyes you have today Mr wolf,Fuk off red im having a shit.