BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[badinov]

Two tall trees, a beech & a birch are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says "Is that the son of a beech or the son of a birch ?"
The birch says he cannot tell. Just then, a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
The birch says "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech, or the son of a birch ?"
The woodpecker tastes the small tree.
He replies "That is neither the son of a beech, nor the son of a birch. It is however the best piece of ash that I have ever put my pecker in !"

Now wipe that silly smile from your face...

[Bogan]

One fine morning the milkman arrives at the house of family Jones. Mrs. Jones opens the door, and asks him to come inside. She invites him into the kitchen, where a huge and very good breakfast is prepared for him. He sits down and very much enjoys all the excellent food. When he is finished she asks him to come upstairs, and the milkman spends the next three or four hours doing things he's only ever read about in magazines before today. Mrs. Jones certainly was insatiable.

When they dress and go downstairs, she gives him a 5 dollar note. Now the milkman is really surprised, and asks what the 5 dollars is for. She replies: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that is was your birthday today, and he said: "So what, fuck the milkman, give him 5 bucks." But the breakfast was entirely my idea!"

[Nelso]

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem
to make it with any of the girls.
So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer.
They're years outta style.
You 're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes
too small - and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em.
I'm tellin' ya mate...you'll have all the babes ya want!'


The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new
tight Speedos, and his fist-sized potato.
Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their
faces, turning away, and laughing, looking sick!
So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?'
JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in front!'

[Nelso]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage
bags behind her.



One of the
bags rips, and every once in a while a $20 bill falls out onto the sidewalk.



Noticing
this, a policeman stops her, and says, 'Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out
of your bag.'



'Oh,
really? Darn!' says the little old lady. 'I'd better go back, and
see if I can find them.



Thanks for
telling me..'



'Well,
now, not so fast,' says the cop. 'How did you get all that money?' 'You
didn't steal it, did you?'



'Oh, no',
says the little old lady.



'You see,
my back yard is right next to the football stadium parking lot.



On game
days, a lot of fans come and pee through the fence into my flower garden.



So,
I stand behind the fence with my hedge clippers. Each time some guy
sticks his thing through the fence, I say, '$20 or off it
comes.'



'Well,
that seems only fair.' laughs the cop. OK? Good luck!



Oh, by the
way, what's in the other bag?




'Well, you know', says the little old lady, 'not everybody
pays.'

[Nelso]

Indian Chief 'Two Eagles' was asked by a white government official, 'You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've seen his progress, and the damage he's done.'


The Chief nodded in agreement.



The official continued, 'Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?'

The Chief stared at the government official for over a minute and then calmly replied, 'When white man find land, Indians running it, no taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, clean water. Women did all the work, Medicine man free. Indian man spend all day hunting and fishing; all night having sex.'

Then the chief leaned back and smiled, 'Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that.'

[Black Magic]

Thanks Nelso- nice to come home from work to!

[Black Magic]

And the Father of the Year is........

Father of the year.gif (1.47 MiB) Viewed 1686 times

[ty]

HOLY SHIT! That's kind of funny - but makes me feel a little sick too
I'm surprised she stood up as long as she did

[Black Magic]

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three very large, leathered bikers walked in. The first walked up to the old man, pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie and then took a seat at the counter. The second walked up to the old man, spat into the old man's milk and then he too took a seat at the counter. The third walked up to the old man, turned over the old man's plate, and then he took a seat at the counter.
Without a word of protest, the old man quietly left the diner. Shortly thereafter, one of the bikers said to the waitress, "Humph, not much of a man, was he?"
The waitress replied, "Not much of a truck driver either, he just backed his big-rig over three motorcycles."

[Black Magic]

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

[Black Magic]

There's this little guy sitting inside a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half-an-hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says: "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't see a man crying." "No, it's not that. Today day is the worst of my life. First, I overslept and was late to an important meeting. My boss, outrageous, fired me. When I left the building to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police, they said they could do nothing. I got a cab to return home, and after I paid the cab driver and the cab had gone, I found that I left my whole wallet in the cab. I got home only to find my wife was in bed with the gardener. I left home and came to this bar. And when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison ..."

[Black Magic]

I'm gonna try this one on next time.......


A man was pulled over for speeding down the highway; the officer came to the driver’s window and said, "Sir, may I see your driver’s license and registration?" The man said, "Well officer I don't have a license, it was taken away for a DUI." The officer, in surprise, said," What, do you have a registration for the vehicle?" So the man replied, "No sir, the car is not mine I stole it, but I am pretty sure I say a registration card in the glove box when I put the gun in it." The officer stepped back, "There is a gun in the glove box?!?" The man sighed and said, "Yes sir, I used to kill the woman who owns the car before I stuffed her in the trunk." The officer steps toward the back of the car and says," Sir do not move, I am calling for backup." The officer calls for backup and about ten minutes another highway patrolman arrives. He walks up to the window slowly and asks the man for his driver’s license and registration. The man said," Yes officer here it right here." It all checked out so the officer said," Is there a gun in the glove box sir?" The man laughs and says," No officer why would there be a gun in the glove box." He opened the glove box and showed him that there was no gun. The second officer asked him to open the trunk because he had reason to believe that there was a body in it. The man agrees and opens the trunk, no dead body. The second officer says, "Sir I do not understand, the officer that pulled you over said that you did not have a license, the car was stolen, there was a gun in the glove box, and a dead body in the trunk." The man looks the officer in the eyes and says, "Yeah and I'll bet he said I was speeding too."

[fireyrob]

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way, so I stole one and asked him to forgive me...

[Black Magic]

After 30 years of marriage Jacqueline and her husband Mark went for counselling. When asked to describe her problems Jacqueline went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 30 years they had been together.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unfulfilled needs she had endured over the course of their marriage. Finally after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Jacqueline to stand, tore open blouse with buttons flying everywhere, ripped her Bra off, starts tongue kissing while he embraces her, then puts his hands on her breasts fondles them, and kisses them passionately.

A side glance at her husband, he then put his hand up her skirt, ripped her
G-String off and fondled her wildly, while her husband Mark watched with raised eyebrows and mouth wide open.

Jacqueline flushed, tried to cover herself with the torn blouse and quietly sat down as though in a total daze.

The therapist turned to Mark and said, now do you understand? 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week! Can you do this?'

Mark thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on
Mondays and Wednesdays but on Fridays, I play golf.'

[Black Magic]

POOR BOB


Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'

'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.

I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,

'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.

Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,

'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'