BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Nelso]

School Children Writing About The Sea

• This is a picture of an octopus. It has eight testicles. (Kelly age 6)

• Oysters' balls are called pearls. (James age 6)

• If you are surrounded by sea you are an Island. If you don't have
sea all round you, you are incontinent. ( Wayne age 7)

• Sharks are ugly and mean, and have big teeth, just like Emily
Richardson. She's not my friend no more. (Kylie age 6)

• A dolphin breathes through an arsehole on the top of its head. (Billy
age

• My dad goes out in his boat, and comes back with crabs. (Emily
Burniston age 5)

• When ships had sails, they used to use the trade winds to cross the
ocean. Sometimes, when the wind didn't blow, the sailors would
whistle to make the wind come. My brother said they would be
better off eating beans. (William age 7)

• I like mermaids. They are beautiful, and I like their shiny tails.
How do mermaids get pregnant? (Helen age 6)

• I'm not going to write about the sea. My baby brother is always
screaming and being sick, my Dad keeps shouting at my Mum, and my
big sister has just got pregnant, so I can't think what to write.
(Amy age 6)
15

• Some fish are dangerous. Jellyfish can sting. Electric eels can give
you a shock. They have to live in caves under the sea where I think
they have to plug themselves into chargers. (Christopher age 7)

• When you go swimming in the sea, it is very cold, and it makes my
willy small. (Kevin age 6)

• Divers have to be safe when they go under the water. Two divers
can't go down alone, so they have to go down on each other. (Becky
age

• On holiday my Mum went water skiing. She fell off when she was
going very fast. She says she won't do it again because water shot
up her fanny. (Julie age 7)

[Nelso]

> BUNNINGS
>
>
> Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little
> 5 year old girl and some construction workers that makes you believe
> that we can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our
> time...
>
>
>
> A young family moved into a house, next door to a vacant lot.
>
> One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the
> empty lot.
>
>
>
> The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all
> the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the
> workers.
>
> Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems-in-the-rough, more or
> less adopted her as a kind of project mascot.
>
>
>
> They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and
> lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her
> feel important.
>
>
>
> At the end of the week they even presented her with a pay envelope
> containing a couple of dollars.
>
> The little girl took this home to her mother who said all the
> appropriate words of admiration and suggested that they take the two
> dollar "pay" she had received to the bank the next day to start a
> savings account.
>
>
>
> When they got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked
> the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a
> young age.
>
> The little girl proudly replied, "I worked last week with the crew
> building the house next door to us."
>
>
>
> "My goodness gracious," said the teller, "and will you be working on the
> house again this week, too?"
>
>
>
> The little girl replied, "I will if those arseholes at Bunnings ever
> deliver the f$%king Gyprock..."
>
>
>
> Kind of brings a tear to the eye, doesn't it.
>

[Nelso]

These are quite poor; obviously women trying to be funny, but I'll include them for your benefit BM.

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Tee-shirt Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' University of Sydney ..'
And they say blondes are dumb...
-----------------------------------------------
A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'
-----------------------------------------------------------
'It's just too hot to wear clothes today,' Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, 'honey, what do you think the neighbours would think if I mowed the lawn like this?'
'Probably that I married you for your money,' she replied.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumour
----------------------------------------------------------
Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Q: Why do little boys whine?
A: They are practicing to be men.
-----------------------------------------------
Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?
A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
A: Rename the mail folder 'Instruction Manual.'

[Black Magic]

These are quite poor; obviously women trying to be funny, but I'll include them for your benefit BM.

Thanks Nelso- much appreciated!
I thought they were hilarious myself!

[Black Magic]

The first "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

[Black Magic]

SOOOO stupid I had to post it.....

Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

[Nelso]

The first "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

Is this true? If so, it is awesome!

[Nelso]

This could be a repeat as I'd heard it before, but I'll put it up just in case it's not.

A small boy was lost at a large shopping Centre.
He approached a uniformed policeman and said, 'I've lost my pop!'
'The cop asked, 'What's he like?'
The little boy hesitated for a moment and then replied,
' Bundaberg Rum and sheilas with big tits.'

[Black Magic]

The first "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

Is this true? If so, it is awesome!

I do believe that it is true!

[laidback]

SOOOO stupid I had to post it.....

Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

Hey BM sure not going to upset anyone with "antarcticans"...

[seiko1]

SOOOO stupid I had to post it.....

Two antarcticans were walking in the woods when they came upon some tracks.
The first said, "You know, those look like deer tracks." The other said, "No, silly, those are moose tracks."
They were still arguing about it when a train hit them.

Hey BM sure not going to upset anyone with "antarcticans"...

But they were Black Muslim Antarcticans with a physical disabilty who were suicidal because the only Motorcycle you can buy in Antarctica is a Suzuki

[Black Magic]

LMAO!
You two are a crack up!
I am a Suzuki riding multi-cultural, uni-sexual, multi- denominational bigot!
I laugh at Suzukis, Hondas, Kwaks, blondes, men and myself - ahh the list is never-ending!
There is no-one left to offend!

But you know at heart that I love you all!

[ZXR750]

The first "Testicular Guard" was used in cricket in 1874.

The first helmet was used in 1974.

It took 100 years for men to realize that the brain is also important

Is this true? If so, it is awesome!

I do believe that it is true!

The cricket helmet was invented by Tony Grieg. He was just using an open faced bike helmet to protect himself from Dennis Lillie and Jeff Thompson during the Ashes. It is a good job too as he replaced the hemet due to damage during the series.

[Black Magic]

A worrying study for all of you beer lovers........ it seems that beer just makes me more of a woman!

Beer contains female hormones
Last month, Wits University and RAU scientists released the results of a
Recent analysis that revealed the presence of female hormones in beer.
Men should take a concerned look at their beer consumption.
The theory is that beer contains female hormones (hops contain
Phytoestrogens) and that by drinking enough beer, men turn into women .
To test the theory, 100 men drank 8 pints of beer each within a 1 hour
Period.


It was then observed that 100% of the test subjects :
1) Argued over nothing.
2) Refused to apologize when obviously wrong.
3) Gained weight.
4) Talked excessively without making sense.

5) Became overly emotional

6) Couldn't drive.

7) Failed to think rationally.

8 ) Had to sit down while urinating.

[Black Magic]

Alice and Frank are Bungee-jumping one day. Alice says to Frank, "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own Bungee-jumping business in Mexico."

Frank thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they need: a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work.

When they had finished there was such a crowd, they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Alice jumps. She bounces at the end of the cord but when she comes back up, Frank notices that she has a few cuts and scratches.

Unfortunately, Frank isn't able to catch her and she falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time she is bruised and bleeding.

Again, Frank misses her. Alice falls again and bounces back up. This time she comes back pretty messed up, she's got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious.

Luckily, Frank finally catches her this time and says, "What happened? Was the cord too long?"

Barely able to speak, Alice gasps, "No the Bungee cord was fine, it was the crowd. What is a pinata?"