BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Nelso]

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says to her, 'Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100? 'Are you nuts?!!!' she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. 'Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?' he asks again.

'Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?'

So the Scotsman runs around the next block and faces her again ; 'Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?'

She thinks about it for a while and says, 'Hmmm, $10,000 dollars; Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there ..'

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'

'Nah', says the Scotsman... 'Costs too much...'

[Black Magic]

Thanks Nelso! Try these on......

How do you clear an Iraqi Bingo parlor?
Yell “B52”


The Teacher had asked the class to write an essay about an unusual event that happened during the past week.

Little Johnny got up to read his. It began, "My daddy fell into the well last week."

"Good Lord!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he OK?"

"He must be," said Little Johnny. "He stopped calling for help yesterday."

[Black Magic]

This one has probably been done, but it cracks me up ......


9 Things I Hate About Everyone
>
>
>
> 1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... I
> know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my
> crotch when I ask where the toilet is?
> 2 People who are willing to get off their ass to search the entire
> room for the T.V... remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and
> change the channel manually.
> ?
> 3 When people say 'Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too'.
> Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?
> 4 When people say 'it's always the last place you look'. Of course it
> is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do
> people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses!
> 5 When people say while watching a film 'did you see that?'. No Loser,
> I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor.
> ?
> 6 People who ask 'Can I ask you a question?'.... Didn't really give me
> a choice there, did ya sunshine?
>
> 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's new,
> then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement,
> then there must have been something before it, couldn't be new.
> 8 When people say 'life is short'. What the hell?? Life is the longest
> damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?
> ?
> </ DIV>
> 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks 'Has the bus come
> yet?'. If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass?

[Nosferatu]

Might be a bit hard to read

[Nosferatu]

ARE YOU MALE OR FEMALE?


To find the answer, look down...
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LOOK down, not scroll down.... ya fuckin retard

[Nosferatu]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:




When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the pre-Christmas pressure.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, ' Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

[Black Magic]

FINE
This is the word women use to end an argument when they feel they are right and you need to shut up. Never use "fine" to describe how a woman looks - this will cause you to have one of those arguments.

FIVE MINUTES
This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.

NOTHING
This means "something," and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with "Fine"

GO AHEAD (With Raised Eyebrows)
This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine"

GO AHEAD (Normal Eyebrows)
This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care" You will get a "Raised Eyebrow Go Ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.

LOUD SIGH
This is not actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment, and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing"

SOFT SIGH
Again, not a word, but a non-verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" mean that she is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe, and she will stay content.

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you back for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and in conjunction with a "Raised Eyebrow."

GO AHEAD!
At some point in the near future, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.

PLEASE DO
This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance with the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay"

THANKS
A woman is thanking you. Do not faint. Just say you're welcome.

THANKS A LOT
This is much different from "Thanks." A woman will say, "Thanks A Lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have offended her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh." Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh," as she will only tell you "Nothing"

[Black Magic]

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started
back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a
grave.

The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, Why did
you have to die? Why did you have to die?"

The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your
private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen
before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied,
"My wife's first husband."

[Nelso]

A man owned a small farm in South Carolina . The South Carolina Wage &
Hours Department claimed he was not paying proper wages to his help and
sent an agent out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them", demanded
the Agent.

"Well," replied the farmer, "there's my farm hand who's been with me for
3 years. I pay him $400.00 a week plus free room and board. The cook
has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $300.00 per week plus free
room and board. There's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every
day and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about
$10.00 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of
Bourbon every Saturday night. He also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to.....the half-wit", says the Agent.


"That would be me", replied the farmer.

[Nelso]

>> A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
>> Upon their arrival, the doctor said that the hospital was testing an
>> amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the
>> mother's labour pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were
>> interested, Both said they were very much in favour of it.
>>
>> The doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining
>> that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever
>> experienced before. But as the labour progressed, the husband felt fine
>> and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
>> The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.
>>
>> The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor then checked the
>> husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.
>>
>> At this point they decided to try for 50 percent. The husband continued
>> to feel quite well. Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the
>> wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the
>> pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain,
>> and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
>>
>> When they got home they found the postman dead on the porch.

[Nelso]

Four men were sitting around a conference room table being interviewed for a job.



The interviewer asked, 'What is the fastest thing you know of?'



The first man replied, 'A thought.

It pops into your head, there's no forewarning that it's on the way; it's just there.

A thought is the fastest thing I know of.



'That's very good,' replied the interviewer. 'And now you, sir,' he asked the second man.



'Hmmm, let me see... a blink!' said the second man.



'It comes and goes and you don't know it ever happened. A blink is the fastest thing I know of.'



'Excellent!', said the interviewer.. 'The blink of an eye.


That's a very popular cliché for speed.'

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.



'Well, out on my dad's property, you step out of the house and on the wall there is a light switch.

When you flip that switch, way across the paddock the light at the barn comes on in an instant.

Turning on a light is the fastest thing I can think of.'



The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man.

'It's hard to beat the speed of light', he said.



Turning to the fourth man, an Australian, he posed the same question.


'After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me the fastest thing known is diarrhoea,' said the Aussie.


'What!' said the interviewer, stunned by the response?



'Oh, I can explain', said the Aussie, 'You see, the other day I wasn't feeling so well and ran for the bathroom.

But, before I could think, blink, or turn on the light, I shit my pants.'



He got the job...

[smithy5]

Your on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right is a sharp drop off. On your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it. behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you. WHAT MUST YOU DO TO SAFELY GET OUT OF THIS HIGHLY DANGEROUS SITUATION Get your drugged out ass of the merry-go-round.

[Black Magic]

I apologise for the racism towards Muslims and blondes in advance (some of the nicest people I know are blonde ) .........

The Iranian Ambassador to the UN had just finished giving a speech and walked out into the lobby where he met President Bush. They shook hands and as they walked the Iranian said, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush said, "Well, anything I can do to help you, I will"

The Iranian whispered "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there is Chekhov who is Russian, Scotty who is Scottish, Uhura who is Black and Sulu who is Japanese but no Muslims. My son is very upset and doesn't understand why there aren't any Iranians, Syrians or Lebanese on Star Trek."

President Bush laughed, leaned toward the Iranian ambassador and whispered back, "That's because it takes place in the future."


A surgeon went to check on his blonde patient after an operation. She was awake so he examined her. 'You'll be fine,' he said.

She asked, 'How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?'

The surgeon seemed to pause, which alarmed the girl.

'What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?'

He replied, 'Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having their tonsils out.

[Nelso]

A young man moved into a new apartment of his own and went to the lobby to
put his name on his mailbox.

While there, an attractive young lady came out of the apartment next to the
mailboxes, wearing a robe.

The boy smiled at the young woman and she started a conversation with him.

As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had
nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye
contact After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said,
'Let's go to my apartment,... I hear someone coming.'

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against
it, allowing her robe to fall off completely.

Now nude, she purred at him, 'What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, 'It's got to be your ears.'

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, 'My ears? Look at these breasts;
they are full and 100% natural. I work out every day and my butt is firm and
solid. Look at my skin - no blemishes anywhere. How can you think that the
best part of my body is my ears?'

Clearing his throat, he stammered . 'Outside, when you said you heard
someone coming.... that was me.'

[Nelso]

A young blonde woman in Sydney was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself from the Harbour Bridge.

She went down to the bridge and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the bridge, crying.

He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day."

Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new
meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.

"What are you doing here?" the captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors who's stowed me away,“ she explained "I get food and free passage to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Manly Ferry".