BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

Mick and Paddy were walking home from the pub.

Mick says to Paddy, 'I can't be bothered to walk all that way.'

'I know,' says Paddy 'but we've no money for a cab and we've missed the last bus home.'

'We could steal a bus from the depot,' Mick suggests.

They arrive at the bus depot and Mick tells Paddy to go in and get a bus while he keeps a look-out.

After shuffling around for ages, Mick shouts, 'Paddy, what are you doing? Have you not found one yet?'

Paddy shouts back, 'I can't find a No. 91'

Mick says, 'Oh to hell with ya, ye thick sod, take the No. 14 and we'll walk from the roundabout.

[Nelso]

A blonde gets a job as a teacher.

She notices a boy in the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'You ok?' she says.
'Yes.' he says.
'You can go and play with the other kids you know.'she says.
'It's best I stay here.'he says. '
'Why?' says the blonde.
The boy says: 'Because, I'm the goalie'

[Nelso]

An English lawyer and a Scotsman are sitting next to each other on a long flight. The lawyer is thinking that Scotsmen are
so dumb that he could put something over on them easily. So the lawyer asks if the Scotsman would like to play a fun game.

The Scotsman is tired and just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and tries to catch a few winks. The English lawyer
persists, and says that the game is a lot of fun. I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me only £5;
you ask me one, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you £500, he says. This catches the Scotsman's attention and to
keep the lawyer quiet, he agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. 'What's the distance from The Earth to the Mo on?' The Scotsman doesn't say a word,
reaches in his pocket pulls out a five-pound note, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the Scotsman's turn. He asks the lawyer, 'What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?'
The lawyer uses his laptop and searches all references he could find on the Net. He sends e-mails to all the smart friends he
knows, all to no avail. After one hour of searching he finally gives up. He wakes up the Scotsman and hands him £500.
The Scotsman pockets the £500 and goes right back to sleep.

The lawyer is going nuts not knowing the answer. He wakes the Scotsman up and asks, 'Well, so what goes up a hill with three
legs and comes down with four?' The Scotsman reaches in his pocket, hands the lawyer £5 and goes back to sleep.

[Nelso]

> Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when

> Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops

> dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other

> five continue playing standing up.

>

> Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys,

> someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

> They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one.

>

> They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any

> worse.

>

> 'Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever

> meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

> Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the

> door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

> Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come

> home.

>

> ''Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife.

> 'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

[Black Magic]

Ole and Sven were fishing when Sven pulled out a cigar. Finding he had no matches, he asked Ole for a light.

'Ya, shure, I tink I haff a lighter,' he replied and then reaching into his tackle box, he pulled out a Bic lighter ten inches long.

'Yiminy Crick et!' exclaimed Sven, taking the huge Bic lighter in his hands. 'Vere dit yew git dat monster?'

'Vell,' replied Ole, 'I got it from my Genie.'

'You haff a Genie?' Sven asked.

'Ya, shure. It's right here in my tackle box,' says Ole.

'Could I see him?'

Ole opens his tackle box and sure enough, out pops the Genie.

Addressing the genie, Sven says, 'Hey dere! I'm a good friend of your master. Vill you grant me vun vish?'

'Yes, I will,' says the Genie.

So Sven asks the Genie for a million bucks.

The Genie disappears back into the tackle box leaving Sven sitting there waiting for his million bucks. Shortly, the sky darkens and is filled with the sound of a million ducks flying directly overhead.

Over the roar of the million ducks, Sven yells at Ole, 'Yumpin' Yimminy, I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!'

Ole answers, 'Ya, I forgot to tell yew dat da Genie is hart of hearing. Do yew really tink I asked for a 10-inch Bic?"

[corvus2606]

HOW TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY

IT\'S NOT DIFFICULT TO MAKE A WOMAN HAPPY. A MAN ONLY NEEDS TO BE:

1. A FRIEND

2. A COMPANION

3. A LOVER

4. A BROTHER

5. A FATHER

6. A MASTER

7. A CHEF

8. AN ELECTRICIAN

9. A CARPENTER

10. A PLUMBER

11. A MECHANIC

12. A DECORATOR

13. A STYLIST

14. A SEXOLOGIST

15. A GYNECOLOGIST

16. A PSYCHOLOGIST

17. A PEST EXTERMINATOR

18. A PSYCHIATRIST

19. A HEALER

20. A GOOD LISTENER

21. AN ORGANIZER

22. ROMANTIC

23. VERY CLEAN

24. SYMPATHETIC

25. ATHLETIC

26. WARM

27. ATTENTIVE

28. GALLANT

29. INTELLIGENT

30. FUNNY

31. CREATIVE

32. TENDER

33. STRONG

34. UNDERSTANDING

35. TOLERANT

36. PRUDENT

37. AMBITIOUS

38. CAPABLE

39. COURAGEOUS

40. DETERMINED

41. TRUE

42. DEPENDABLE

43. PASSIONATE

44. COMPASSIONATE

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:

45. GIVE HER COMPLIMENTS REGULARLY

46. LOVE SHOPPING

47. BE HONEST

48. BE VERY RICH

49. NOT STRESS HER OUT

50. NOT LOOK AT OTHER GIRLS

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:

51. GIVE HER LOTS OF ATTENTION, BUT EXPECT LITTLE YOURSELF

52. GIVE HER LOTS OF TIME, ESPECIALLY TIME FOR HERSELF

53. GIVE HER LOTS OF SPACE, NEVER WORRYING ABOUT WHERE SHE GOES

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:

54. NEVER TO FORGET:

* BIRTHDAYS

* ANNIVERSARIES

* ARRANGEMENTS SHE MAKES



HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY

1. SHOW UP NAKED

2. BRING FOOD & SOMETHING TO DRINK

[Black Magic]

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.
Since the equipment arrived when his wife was out of town, he decided to test it on himself first. So he inserted his 'manhood' into the equipment, turned on the switch and everything else was automatic.

Soon he realized that the equipment provided him with much more pleasure than his wife did. When the fun was over, though, he quickly realized that he couldn't remove the instrument from his 'member'.
He read the manual but didn't find any useful information on how to disengage himself. He tried every button on the instrument but still without success.

Finally he decided to call the supplier's Customer Service Hot Line with his mobile phone (Thank goodness for mobile phones!).

'Hello, I just bought a milking machine from your company. It works fantastic but how do I remove it from the cow's udder?'

'Don't worry,' replied the customer service rep, 'The machine will release automatically once it has collected two gallons.'

[swabio-ACT]

What was this chick thinking.....

[Black Magic]

An elderly couple is getting ready for bed. She says Oh I am just so hungry for ice cream and there isn't any in the house." He says, “I’ll go get some." She says, "Vanilla with chocolate sauce, with whipped cream on top and a cherry." She adds, "Please write it down, I know you'll forget." He says, “I won't forget; Vanilla with chocolate sauce, whipped cream, and a cherry."
Away he goes. Hours later he comes back and hands her a paper bag. "In it is a "HAM SANDWICH". She says,” I told you to write it down! You forgot the mustard."

[Black Magic]

After gunning his BMW the wrong way down a one-way street, the rather intoxicated young man was asked where he thought he was going by a curious police officer.
“I’m not really sure,” confessed the drunk, “but wherever it is, I must be late, because everybody seems to be coming back already.”

[Black Magic]

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

[the_shez]

No matter how many times i see this, it still cracks me up.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8IiOcmJb ... PL&index=2

[Black Magic]

A beautiful fairy appeared one day to a destitute refugee claimant outside the Parramatta Immigration Offices in Macquarie Street.

'My good man,' the fairy said, 'I've been told to grant you three wishes, since you've just arrived in Sydney, Australia with your wife and seven children.'

The man told the fairy: 'Well, in Somalia where I come from we don't have good teeth, so I want new teeth, maybe a lot of gold in them.'

The fairy looked at the man's almost toothless grin and --PING!!! He had a brand new shining set of gold teeth in his mouth!

'What else?' asked the fairy, 'two, more wishes, to go'.

The refugee claimant now got bolder.

'I need a big house with a three car garage in Castle Hill with eight bedrooms for my family and the rest of my refugee relatives who still live in my country. I want to bring them all over here.

PING! - In the distance there could be seen a beautiful mansion with a three car garage, a long driveway, a walkout patio with a BBQ, and a sparkling inground pool and a Hummer, full of his nephews playing their music.

'One, more wish, left for you', said the fairy, waving her wand.

I want to be like the Australians with Australian clothes instead of rags, and a baseball cap instead of this shawl.

And I want to have white skin like the Australians.'

PING! - The man was transformed, wearing worn out jeans from Best for Less, a dirty K-Mart T-shirt and a greasy Billabong baseball cap. He had his bad teeth back and the mansion had disappeared from the horizon.

'What happened to my new teeth?' he wailed. 'Where is my new house? Where's my Centrelink Gold Card?'

The fairy said 'Tough luck. Now that you are Australian, you're entitled to fuck all!!!!' And she

[ty]

good to see you back on board BM
Though that yellow/orange is hard to read on the forum background

[Black Magic]

:D good to see you back on board BM
Though that yellow/orange is hard to read on the forum background

Thank you Ty- very sweet of you.

Colour changed for the sweet blind ones!