BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

‘God.... If you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,’ She prayed.

And just like that... her ears fell off.

[Black Magic]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:

1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n .) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) , an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5.. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole.

[Black Magic]

[b]Here's your sign.......

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".

That way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? You wouldn't ask them anything. It would be like, "Excuse me...oops...never mind, didn't see your sign."

It's like before my wife and I moved. Our house was full of boxes and there was a U-Haul truck in our driveway. My neighbor comes over and says, "Hey, you moving?"

"Nope. We just pack our stuff up once or twice a week to see how many boxes it takes. Here's your sign."

A couple of months ago I went fishing with a buddy of mine, we pulled his boat into the dock, I lifted up this big ol'stringer of bass and this idiot on the dock goes, "Hey, y'all catch all them fish?"

"Nope. Talked 'em into giving up. Here's your sign."

I was watching one of those animal shows on the Discovery Channel. There was a guy inventing a shark bite suit. And there's only one way to test it. "Alright, Jimmy, you got that shark suit on, it looks good... They want you to jump into this pool of sharks, and you tell us if it hurts when they bite you."

"Well, all right, but hold my sign. I don't wanna lose it."

Last time I had a flat tire, I pulled my truck into one of those side-of-the-road gas stations. The attendant walks out, looks at my truck, looks at me, and I SWEAR he said, "Tire go flat?"

I couldn't resist. I said, "Nope. I was driving around and those other three just swelled right up on me. Here's your sign."

We were trying to sell our car about a year ago. A guy came over to the house and drove the car around for about 45 minutes. We get back to the house, he gets out of the car, reaches down and grabs the exhaust pipe, then says, "Darn that's hot!"

See, if he'd been wearing his sign, I could have stopped him.

I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem. I thought for sure he was clear of needing a sign...until he asked, "So, is your truck stuck?"

I couldn't help myself! I looked at him, looked back at the rig and then back to him and said, "No, I'm delivering a bridge... here's your sign."

I stayed late at work one night and a co-worker looked at me and said, "Are you still here?"

I replied, "No. I left about 10 minutes ago. Here's your sign." [/b]

[photomike666]

[b]Here's your sign.......

Stupid people should have to wear signs that just say, "I'm Stupid".

...
I learned to drive an 18-wheeler in my days of adventure. Wouldn't you know, I misjudged the height of a bridge. The truck got stuck and I couldn't get it out, no matter how I tried. I radioed in for help and eventually a local cop shows up to take the report. He went through his basic questioning ..okay...no problem and said, "Here's your sign." [/b]

[Black Magic]

Sign over a gynaecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix."



In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."



On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels



On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."


On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."



On a Church's Bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."


At a Tyre Store
"Invite us to your next blowout."

On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."



In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."



At an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."



On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."


On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"


At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."



Outside a Car Exhaust Store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a Vets waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"



In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."



In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."


And don't forget the sign at a
RADIATOR SHOP:
"Best place in town to take a leak."



Sign on the back of yet another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

[Black Magic]

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'

I bought her a scale.

And then the fight started...

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

When I got home last night my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station.

And then the fight started...

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

> --------------------------------------------------------------------------------

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter for some reason, took my order first.

"I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please."

He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?""

Nah, she can order for herself."

And then the fight started...

---------------------------------

A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband,
'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'

The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started.....

------------------------------------

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.

Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And then the fight started....

--------------------------------------------

My wife asked me if a certain dress made her butt look big. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday

and then the fight started.....

---------------------------------------------

A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies.

Suddenly, at 3 o'clock in the morning a loud noise came from outside.

The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man 'Holy crap. That must be my husband!'

So the man jumped out of the bed; scared and naked jumped out the window. He smashed himself on the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go.

A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, 'I AM your husband!'

The woman yelled back, 'Yeah, then why were you running?'

And then the fight started.....

----------------------------------------------------

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.

I hooked up the boat up to the truck and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.

The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.

I went back into the house, quietly undressed and slipped back into bed.

I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

My loving wife of 10 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?'

And then the fight started ...

----------------------------------------------------

I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?"

It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.

So I suggested, "How about the kitchen?"

And that's when the fight started....

----------------------------------------------------

My wife and I are watching Who Wants to be a Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying "Yes."

So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."

And that's when the fight started....

------------------------------------------------------

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

[ZXR750]

Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress,
a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets dry,
he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally ???


Ever wonder why?



It's because she smells like a new golf bag!

[Black Magic]

The Queen & Dolly Parton Go To Heaven !!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Queen Elizabeth and Dolly Parton
die on the same day and they both go
before an Angel to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven.

Unfortunately,
there's only one space left that day,
so the Angel must decide which of them gets in.
The Angel asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she
should go to Heaven.

Dolly takes off her top and says,
'Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts
God ever created, and I'm sure it will please God to
be able to see them every day, for eternity.'

The Angel thanks Dolly, and asks Her Majesty the same question.
The Queen takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, drinks it down.
Then, wees into a toilet and pulls the lever.

The Angel
says, 'OK, your Majesty, you may go in.'

Dolly is outraged and asks,
'What was that all about?
I show you two
of God's own perfect creations and you turn me down.
She wees into a
toilet and she gets in!
Would you explain that to me?'

'Sorry, Dolly,' says the Angel,
'but even in Heaven,

a Royal Flush

beats a Pair -


no matter how big they are.

[Black Magic]

One for zx6rider.....


A blonde finds herself in serious trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in dire financial straits. She's desperate so she decides to ask God for help.

She begins to pray... 'God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery.'

Lottery night comes, and somebody else wins.

She again prays 'God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.'

Lottery night comes and she still has no luck.

Once again she prays... 'My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house and my car. I don't often ask You for help and I've always been a good servant to You.
PLEASE let me win the lottery just this one time so I can get my life back in order.'

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open. The blonde is overwhelmed by the Voice of God, Himself.

'Sweetheart, work with Me on this..... Buy a ticket.'

[Black Magic]

Box Donation

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, 'I almost had an affair with another woman.'

The priest said, 'What do you mean, almost?'

The Irishman said, 'Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.'

The priest said, 'Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put $50 in the poor box.'

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave.

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, 'I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!'

The Irishman replied, 'Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!'

[luis kawi]

[Black Magic]

Two Ladies in Heaven

1st woman: Hi! My name is Sherry.
2nd woman: Hi! I'm Sylvia. How'd you die?

1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. Instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So, what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer, we'd both still be alive.

[Two50RR]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7m0WNNeC ... re=related

[Nelso]

A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around
the market-place looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small
sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, 'You

foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the couple walked in.


The Jamaican said to them, 'I ave some special sandals I tink you would
be interested in. Dey makes you wild at sex.'

The wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man
claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex
machine that he thought he was.

The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The
Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
The husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in and
tried them on.. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this
wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over
the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed
a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs.
The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'

[Black Magic]