BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[zx6rider]

Eddie McGuire says- "For $32,000.... what is the colour of your wife's pubic hair?
Is it-
A. Brown
B. Red or
C. Blonde?"

Paddy says-



"Can I phone a friend??"

Its a wonder he didnt "Ask the Audience!!!".

[Black Magic]

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternate meanings for common words. The winners are:
1. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n .) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by Proctologists.

13. Pokemon (n), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishisms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), The belief that, when you die, your Soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.) , an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.


The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition. Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5.. Sarchasm (n): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v): To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

7. Hipatitis (n): Terminal coolness.

8. Osteopornosis (n): A degenerate disease.

9. Karmageddon (n): It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's like, a serious bummer.

10 Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.) : Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n): A person who's both stupid and an asshole

[Black Magic]

My son sent me this one- cracked me up!

You are on a horse going flat out-

on one side you have a huge drop off,

on the other side is a kangaroo keeping pace with you,

behind you is a lion.

What should you do in this highly dangerous situation?







Get your drunk arse off the merry-go-round stupid!

[shinnynoggon]

a boy was walking down the street
when a man on a black bike pulls up and asks the boy
"do you want to go for a ride"
the boy replies"no" and keeps walking
again the black bike pulls up to the boy and asks
"don't you want to get on the back and go for a ride"
again the boy says "no" and walks off but a little faster
and again the black bike pulls up to the boy and asks
"are you sure you won't get on the back and go for a ride"
this time the boy turns to the rider of the black bike and says
"no dad , it's a honda ,you brought it ,you ride it",,,,,,,,,,,,

[Black Magic]

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.

To hide her embarassment the mother turns and says to her young son-
"My! That was a big insect!"

To which her seven year old son relies-
" Yeah! I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size!"

[dutchy]

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen.

To hide her embarassment the mother turns and says to her young son-
"My! That was a big insect!"

To which her seven year old son relies-
" Yeah! I'm surprised it could fly with a cock that size!"

funny!!!

[Black Magic]

One for zx6rider- I know how much you love your blonde jokes .....

A blonde gets home early from shopping and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. She rushes upstairs to find her husband, naked on the bed sweating and panting.

'What's up?' she asks.

'I'm having a heart attack,' cries the husband.

The blonde rushes downstairs to grab the phone but just as she's dialling, her four-year-old son comes up and says, 'Mommy! Mommy! Aunt Shirley is hiding in your closet and she's got no clothes on!'

The blonde slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, right past her husband and rips open the closet door. Sure enough there is her sister totally naked and cowering on the closet floor.

'You rotten 'Bitch', she screams. 'My husband's having a heart attack and you're running around naked scaring the kids!!'

[Black Magic]

And an oldie but a goodie for our friend Aardy ......


While she was 'flying' down the road yesterday (20kms over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, 'What's your hurry?'

To which she replied, 'I'm late for work.'

'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'

'I'm a rectum stretcher,' she responded.

The cop stammered, 'A what, a rectum stretcher, and just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in and then I slowly but surely stretch until it's about 6 feet wide.'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole?' he asked.

'You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge.'

Traffic Ticket $395.00
Court Costs. $1145.00
The Look on Cop's Face PRICELESS

[Black Magic]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when to her horror she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God – hurry, grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband is home early!'

'I can't jump out the window, it's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here he'll kill us both!' she replied. He's got a hot temper and a gun so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window!

As he ran down the street in the pouring rain he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

'Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

Oh yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope, just when it's raining

[zx6rider]

One for zx6rider- I know how much you love your blonde jokes .....

Thanks BM, Heres another just for you

A girl was visiting her blonde friend, who had acquired two new dogs, and asked her what their names were. The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex and one was named Timex. Her friend said, 'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'

'HELLLOOOOOOO......,' answered the blond. 'They're watch dogs!'

[Black Magic]

You are scraping the bottom of the barrel with that one my friend!

Here's one to redeem ourselves.......

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her dressing gown and goes downstairs to look for him.
She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall.
She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

'What's the matter dear?' she whispers as she steps into the room, 'Why are you down here at this time of night?'

The husband looks up from his coffee, 'I am just remembering when we first met 20 years ago and started dating. You were only 16. Do you remember back then?' he says solemnly.

The wife is touched to tears thinking that her husband is so caring, so sensitive.

'Yes, I do' she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily.

'Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?'

'Yes I remember!' said the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.

The husband continues. 'Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, 'Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years?'

'I remember that too' she replies softly.

He wipes another tear from his cheek and says, 'I would have been released today.'

[Nelso]

ELDERLY LADIES

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing.
One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks,
"Who drives you to the beach?"

_____________________


An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not
blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said:
"Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?" "Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat." "But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest. The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

____________________


Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing.
The first lady recalled shopping at the green grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and
thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the
size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, "I can't hear a word you're saying, but I remember the guy you're talking about."

____________________


Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it! I could have sworn we just went through a red light."
After a few more minutes they came to another intersection. The light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay close attention.
At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said,
"Mildred! Did you know that you ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh Shit..! Am I driving..?"

[Nelso]

After a relaxing bath Monica Lewinsky was looking at herself, nude in a mirror.

Her frustration over her lack of ability to lose weight, was depressing her.

In an act of desperation, she decided to call on God for help.

‘God.... If you take away my love handles, I’ll devote my life to you,’ She prayed.

And just like that... her ears fell off.

[Nelso]

A fireman is polishing his fire engine outside the fire station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red cart with little ladders hung on the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The little girl is wearing a fireman's helmet and has the cart tied to a dog and a cat.

The fire-fighter walks over to take a closer look: 'That's a lovely fire engine,' he says admiringly.

'Thanks,' says the little girl.

The fireman looks closer and notices the little girl has tied one of the cart's strings to the dog's collar and one to the cat's testicles.

‘Little colleague,' says the fire-fighter, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your fire engine, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could probably go a lot faster.'

The little girl pauses for a moment, looks at the wagon, at the dog and at the cat, then shyly looks into the fireman's eyes and says:

‘You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a fuckin' siren, would I?'

[Nelso]

A woman was in town on a shopping trip. She began her day finding the
most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in
the second. In the third everything had just been reduced by 50
percent when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that
her husband had just been in a terrible car accident and was in
critical condition and in the ICU.

The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and
that she'd be there as soon as possible.

As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be
her best day ever in the boutiques. She decided to get in a couple of
more shops before heading to the hospital.

She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip
with a cup of coffee and a beautiful chocolate cake slice compliments of
the last shop. She was jubilant.

Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the
hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her
husband's condition. The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You
went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're
proud of yourself!

While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town,
your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's
just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will more than likely
be the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he
will require round the clock care. And he'll now be your career!'

The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........

The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg.
He's dead. Show me what you bought?'