BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

The couple were 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from rich, they managed to get by because they watched their pennies.


Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.


They reached the pearly gates, and St.. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. A maid could be seen hanging their favourite clothes in the closet.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'
The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth..
'What are the greens fees?,' grumbled the old man.
'This is heaven,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'





Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.
'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man. This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.
'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked.
That's the best part,' St. Peter replied. 'You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like and you will never get fat or sick.
This is Heaven!'


The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'
'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.
'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'
'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'

The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your f ucking bran Flakes. We could have been here ten years ago!'

[luis kawi]

[Black Magic]

Whoops!

Another whoops- a kind man has advised me that I may be repeating some jokes , so at the risk of boring you all..........

This one makes me realise that I have a lot of things to achieve while I still have a licence and clean leathers!


The Circle of Life- The Meaning of Success

1. At the age of 3 success means not shitting in your pants

2.At the age of 12 success means having friends

3.At the age of 18 success means having a drivers licence

4. At the age of 20 success means having sex

5.At the age of 35 success means having money

6.At the age of 50 success means having money

7.At the age of 60 success means having sex

8.At the age of 70 success means having a drivers licence

9.At the age of 75 success means having friends

10. At the age of 80 success means not shitting in your pants

[Black Magic]

A stiff neck.jpg (57.64 KiB) Viewed 1485 times

[luis kawi]

good ones as always

[Black Magic]

I love this guy, Rodney Carrington......

Put your clothes back on

[Black Magic]

More Rodney.....

[6maniac]

..... he's a funny buggar... for a Yank !!!

[dutchy]

This is from his show. a touching heartfelt moment that all us married blokes can relate to.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=kxqnbDj0IY4

[zx6rider]

Uncle Jack


Would your uncle Jack help you get of an Elephant?



But the real question is....



Would you help your Uncle Jack off an Elephant?

[Black Magic]

This is from his show. a touching heartfelt moment that all us married blokes can relate to.

http://au.youtube.com/watch?v=kxqnbDj0IY4

Ok, I didn't spit coffee on the keyboard that time...

it was wine! God he is funny for a yank!

[Black Magic]

Message from the US government........


' All whites report to the cotton fields tomorrow at 6am!'

[Black Magic]

Eddie McGuire says- "For $32,000.... what is the colour of your wife's pubic hair?
Is it-
A. Brown
B. Red or
C. Blonde?"

Paddy says-



"Can I phone a friend??"

[red_dave]

Two Aussie Builders

Two Aussie builders (Phil and Mick) are seated either side of a table in a rough pub when a well-dressed man enters, orders a beer and sits on a stool at the bar. The two builders start to speculate about the occupation of the suit.

Phil: - I reckon he's an accountant.

Mick: - No way - he's a stockbroker.

Phil: - He ain't no stockbroker! A stockbroker wouldn't come in here!

The argument repeats itself for some time until the volume of beer
gets the better of Phil and he makes for the toilet. On entering the
toilet he sees that the suit is standing at a urinal. Curiosity and
the several beers get the better of the builder.

Phil: - 'Scuse me.. No offense meant, but me and me mate were
wondering what you do for a living?

Suit: - No offense taken! I'm a Logical Scientist by profession.

Phil: - Oh! What's that then?

Suit: - I'll try to explain by example... Do you have a goldfish at
home?

Phil: - Er... Mmm . Well yeah, I do as it happens!

Suit: - Well, it's logical to follow that you keep it in a bowl or in
a pond. Which is it?

Phil: - It's in a pond!

Suit: - Well then it's reasonable to suppose that you have a large garden

Phil: - As it happens, yes I have got a big garden!

Suit: - Well then it's logical to assume that in this town if you have a large garden then you have a large house?

Phil: - As it happens I've got a five-bedroom house...built it myself!

Suit: - Well given that you've built a five-bedroom house it is logical to assume that you haven't built it just for yourself and that you are quite probably married?

Phil: - Yes I am married, I live with my wife and three children.

Suit: - Well then it is logical to assume that you are sexually active with your wife on a regular basis?

Phil:- Yep! Four nights a week!

Suit: - Well then it is logical to suggest that you do not masturbate
very often?

Phil: - Me? Never.

Suit: - Well there you are! That's logical science at work!

Phil: - How's that then?

Suit: - Well from finding out that you had a goldfish, I've told you about your sex life!

Phil: - I see! That's pretty impressive....thanks mate!



Both leave the toilet and Phil returns to his mate.

Mick: - I see the suit was in there. Did you ask him what he does?

Phil: - Yep! He's a logical scientist!

Mick: - What's that then?

Phil: - I'll try and explain. Do you have a goldfish?

Mick: - Nope.

Phil: - Well then, you're a wanker...

[Black Magic]

thanks Dave!