BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'

I can't stop laughing at that one!

[zx6rider]

My thick skin is a permanent fixture!

Keep 'em coming!

If you insist!

BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day. The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what? We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads. 'You can't land on the sun, you idiot! You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied, 'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'

IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was, 'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?'
She thought for a time and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'

[Nelso]

A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

The blonde female mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the Blonde mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.'

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly .

She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I' m very grateful. How much did you spend?' To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.

'There's no charge,' she says.

'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.

'Honestly, ma'am,' the blonde says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'

'So I just switched the heads.'

[Nelso]

An oldie, but I'll give it a run anyway.


A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem,
As he was unable to get his manhood erect.

The doctor checked him out then told him that the muscles around the
Base of the organ were damaged from a previous viral infection and there
Was nothing he could actually do for him. However, he knew of an
Experimental treatment that might work, if he is willing to take the risk. The
Treatment consisted of planting muscle tissues from an elephants trunk into his 'old
Fella.

The man thought about it for a while. The thought of having to go through
Life without sex was too much for him to bear. So, with the assurance
That there would be no cruelty to the elephant, the man decided to go for
It.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
Try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
Her to one of the nicest restaurants in town. In the middle of dinner he
Felt a strong stirring in his loins that continued to the point of being
Extremely painful.. To release the pressure he unzipped his fly and his
Knob sprang out, slid across the top of the table, grabbed a bread roll
And returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her face
Said, 'That was incredible! Can you do that again?'

With tears in his eyes he replied, 'I think I can, but I am not sure if
Another bread roll will fit up my arse'

[Nelso]

After 20 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband begin to fondle her in ways he hadn't in quite some time.
It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back.
He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down over her breasts, stopping just over her lower stomach.
He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, caressed past the side of her breast again, working down her side, passed gently over
her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her inner thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and started to watch the tv.
As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, 'That was wonderful. Why did you stop?'
He said, 'I found the remote'.

[Nelso]

Guy was playing golf one day and he got lost. He saw a lady up ahead of him and went to her and said, 'Can you please help me, I don't know what hole I'm on.'
She told him 'You are one hole behind me. I'm on 7; you're on 6.' He thanked her and continued playing golf.
Later he got lost again. He saw the same lady and went to her again kind of embarrassed. 'I'm sorry to bother you again but I'm lost again, can you please tell me what hole I'm on.'
She told him 'you are one hole behind me. I'm on 14; you are on 13.' Again he thanked her and continued playing golf.

When he finished he saw her in the clubhouse. He went up to her and asked if he could buy her a drink for helping him out. She accepted. As they were drinking and talking he asked her what she did for a living.
'I'm in sales.' she said.
He replied, 'no kidding so am I. What do you sell?'
She said it's too embarrassing to tell. But after he kept pleading to know what she sold and finally, she said she'd tell him if he promised not to laugh.
He promised.
She said, 'I sell WHISPER (Sanitary Napkins)'.
He immediately fell to the floor laughing hysterically.
She said, 'You promised you wouldn't laugh'.
He replied (still with tears in his eyes), 'I'm sorry, but I couldn't help it. I sell toilet paper..... I'm still one hole behind you.'

[Nelso]

A large woman, wearing a sleeveless sun dress, walked into a Bar in
Dublin. She raised her right arm, revealing a huge, hairy armpit as she
pointed to all the people sitting at the bar and asked, 'What man here will
buy a lady a drink?'

The bar went silent as the patrons tried to ignore her. But down at the end
of the bar, an owl-eyed drunk slammed his hand down on the counter and
bellowed ' Give the ballerina a drink!'

The bartender poured the drink and the woman chugged it down. She turned
to the patrons and again pointed around at all of them, revealing the same
hairy armpit, and asked, 'What man here will buy a lady a drink?'

Once again, the same little drunk slapped his money down on the bar and
said, 'Give the ballerina another drink!'

The bartender approached the little drunk and said 'Tell me, Paddy, it's
your business if you want to buy the lady a drink, but why do you keep
calling her a ballerina?'

The drunk replied, 'Any woman who can lift her leg that high has got to be
a ballerina!'

[Nelso]

'Y'know,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow there's a wee bar called McTavish's. Now the landlord there goes out of his way for the local s so much that when you buy four drinks he will buy the fifth drink for you.'


'Well,' said the Englishman, 'At my local, the Red Lion, the barman there will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two!'


'Ahhh, that's nothing,' said the Irishman. 'Back home in Dublin there's Ryan's Bar. Now the moment you set foot in the place they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like. Then when you've had enough drinks they'll take you upstairs and see that you get laid. All on the house'.


The Englishman and Scotsman immediately scorn the Irishman's claims, but he swears every word is true.





'Well,' said the Englishman, 'Did this actually happen to you?'


'Not me meself, personally, no,' said the Irishman, 'But it did happen to me sister.'

[zx6rider]

Well Done Nelso!!!

[Black Magic]

Tinkle

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were OK. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years and then one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

'What's wrong?' asked the mother. 'I was taking a tinkle and this bullet
came out,' replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears. 'Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet ! came out.'

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears. 'It's okay' said the
Mom, 'I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out.'

'No,' said the boy, 'I was playing with myself and I shot the dog.'

[6maniac]

My eyes are watering !!!!

[Black Magic]

Restroom signs.....

'Beauty is only a light switch away.'
Perkins Library, Duke University , Durham , NC


'If life is a waste of time,
and time is a waste of life,
then let's all get wasted together
and have the time of our lives.'
Armand's Pizza, Washington , DC


'Fighting for peace is like
screwing for virginity. '
The Bayou, Baton Rouge , LO


'No matter how good she looks,
some other guy is sick and tired
of putting up with her shit.'
Men's Room
Linda's Bar and Grill, Chapel Hill , NC


'At the feast of ego
everyone leaves hungry.'
Bentley's House of Coffee and Tea, Tucson , AZ


'It's hard to make a comeback
when you haven't been anywhere.'
Written in the dust on the back of a bus,
Wickenburg , AZ


'Make love, not war.
-Hell, do both
GET MARRIED!'
Women's restroom
The Filling Station, Bozeman , MT



'If voting could really change things,
it would be illegal.'
Revolution Books
New York , New York .


'If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?
Congress!'
Men's restroom House of Representatives,
Washington , DC


'Express Lane:
Five beers or less'
Sign over one of the urinals
Ed Deb evic's, Phoenix , AZ


'You're too good for him.'
Sign over mirror in Women's restroom
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA



'No wonder you always go home alone.'
Sign over mirror in Men's restroom,
Ed Deb evic's, Beverly Hill s , CA


~~~ and perhaps the most realistic one ~~~


'A Woman's Rule of Thumb:
If it has tyres or testicles,
you're going to have trouble with it '
Women's restroom
Dick's Last Resort, Dallas , TX

[zx6rider]

A Irish petrol station owner in Dublin was trying to increase his sales.
So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Soon Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.

If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another
fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.

The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.
Paddy guessed 2 this time. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really give away free sex.'

Paddy replied, 'No it ain't, Mick. It's not rigged at all at all.
My wife won twice last week.'

[Black Magic]

I LOVE Paddy and Mick!

One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie.
'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.'
So he tied her up and went golfing.

*****************************************


A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway and ran into the house.
She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!'
The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?'
'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'




********************************************


Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.

*************************************


A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.
First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.
The optician showed him a card with the letters
'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the optician asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.'
******************************************


Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.'
'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonay.'



********************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'


The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'


The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

**************************************************** ** **


Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army.
On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb.
That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.
On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush.
That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth.
On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap.
The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.

[zx6rider]

:lol: I LOVE Paddy and Mick!


********************************************


A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly her husband burst into the kitchen.
'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!'


The wife stared at him.
'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?'


The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'

I Can Soooooo Relate to this!