BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[Black Magic]

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[Black Magic]

Top Four Adult Jokes

Fourth Place:

A man bumps into a woman in a hotel lobby and as he does his elbow goes into her breast. They are both quite startled.

The man turns to her and says, 'Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me.'

She replies, 'If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 221.'
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Third Place:

One night as a couple lays down for bed the husband starts rubbing his wife's arm.

The wife turns over and says 'I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh.'

The husband, rejected turns over.

A few minutes later he rolls back over and taps his wife again.

'Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?'
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Runner Up:

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

'What's wrong, Bill?' she asked.

'Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?'

'Oh, Bill, you didn't' she exclaimed.

'Yes, I did.' he replied.

'My God, Bill what happened?'

'I got fired.'

'No Bill. I mean what happened with the pickle slicer?'

'Oh she got fired too.'
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Winner:

A couple had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the wife says, 'Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together.'

'I know,' the old man said. 'We were probably sitting here naked as a jaybird fifty years ago.'

'Well,' Granny snickered. 'Let's relive some old times.'

Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table.

'You know, honey,' the little old lady breathlessly replied, 'My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago.'

'I wouldn't be surprised,' replied Gramps. 'One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal.

[Black Magic]

'Nescafe' manages to arrange a meeting with the Pope at the Vatican.
After receiving the Papal blessing, the Nescafe official whispers 'Your Eminence, we have an offer for you. Nescafe is prepared to donate $100 million to the church if you change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.'

The Pope responds, 'That is impossible. The prayer is the word of the Lord. It must not be changed.'

'Well,' says the Nescafe man, 'we anticipated your reluctance. For this reason we will increase our offer to $300 million.'

'My son, it is impossible. For the prayer is the word of the Lord and it must not be changed.'

The Nescafe guy says, 'Your Holiness we at Nescafe respect your adherence to the faith but we do have one final offer. We will donate $500 million - that's half a billion dollars - to the great Catholic Church if you would only change the Lord's Prayer from 'give us this day our daily bread' to 'give us this day our daily coffee.' Please consider it.' And he leaves.

The next day the Pope convenes the College of Cardinals. 'There is some good news,' he announces, 'and some bad news.
The good news is that the Church will come into $500 million.'

'And the bad news your Holiness?' asks a Cardinal.

'We're losing the 'Tip Top' account.'

[Black Magic]

A guy sitting at an airport bar in New York, noticed a beautiful woman sitting next to him. He thought to himself, "Wow, she's so gorgeous she must be a flight attendant. But which airline does she work for?"
Hoping to gain her attention, he leaned towards her and uttered the Delta Slogan, "Love to fly and it shows?"

She gave him a blank, confused stare, and he immediately thought to himself, "Nope, not Delta." A moment later, another slogan popped into his head. He leaned toward her again, "Something special in the air?" She gave him the same confused look.

He mentally kicked himself and scratched American Airlines off the list. Next he tried the United slogan, "I would really love to fly your friendly skies?"

This time the woman savagely turned on him, "What the f*ck do you want?"

The man smiled, then slumped back in his chair, and said....Ahhh, Qantas!"

[Black Magic]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional the man said, 'Father during World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied, 'That was a wonderful thing you did my son! And you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell Father. She started to repay me with sexual favours. This happened several times a week and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'By doing that you placed yourselves in great danger. However two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind but I do have one more question.'

'And what is that, my son?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?'

[Black Magic]

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Knee-deep N. Schitt, Inc. They had
one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

[Black Magic]

A Lebanese man arrives in Sydney as a new immigrant to Australia. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says "Thank you Mr. Australian for letting me in this country, and giving me housing, money, free medical care and free education!"

But the passer-by says "You are mistaken, I am Russian"

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Australia!

The person says "I no Australian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful Australia!"

That person puts up his hand and says "I am from Middle East. I am not An Australian!

He finally sees a nice lady and asks suspiciously, "Are you an Australian?

She says, "No, I am from New Zealand."

He is puzzled, and asks her, "Where are all the Australians?"

The Kiwi lady looks at her watch, shrugs, and says, "Probably at work!"

[matt76]

[Black Magic]

Two second-graders are arguing over whose father is the biggest scaredy cat.

The first kid says, "My dad is so scared that when lightning strikes, he hides underneath the bed."

The second kid replies, "Yeah? Well, that's nothing. My dad is so scared that when my mom has to work the nightshift, he sleeps with the lady next door."

[Black Magic]

One Monday morning a mailman is walking the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were in the drive way. His wonder was cut short by Bob, the homeowner coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles.



'Wow Bob, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the mailman comments.



Bob in obvious pain replies 'Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. Hell, we got so drunk around midnight that we started playing WHO AM I.



'The mailman thinks a moment and says, 'How do you play that?



''Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us and only our 'privates' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.'



The mailman laughs and says, 'Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.



''Probably a good thing you did,' Bob responds. 'Your name came up seven times.'

[Black Magic]

Sometimes you just have to ask yourself "Will I live to be 80?"

I recently chose a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests he said I was doing "fairly well" for my age.



A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"



He asked, "Do you smoke tobacco or drink alcoholic beverages?"



"No," I replied. "I don't do drugs, either..."



Then he asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"



I said, "No, my other doctor said that all red meat is unhealthy!"



"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, fishing or relaxing on the beach?"



"No, I don't," I said.



He asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"



"No," I said. "I don't do any of those things."



Then he looked at me and asked, "Then why do you give a sh!t?"

[Black Magic]

Golf anyone?......


A foursome of guys is waiting at the men's tee while another foursome of women is hitting from the ladies' tees. The ladies are taking their time. When the final lady is ready to hit her ball, she hacks it ten feet. She goes over and whiffs it completely. Then she hacks it another ten feet, and finally hacks it another five feet.

She looks up at the patiently waiting men and says apologetically, "I guess all those f*****g lessons I took over the winter didn't help."



One of the men immediately responds, "Well, there you have it – you should have taken golf lessons instead!"



He never even had a chance to duck.

[Black Magic]

What happens when a Yank has an Australian street name......

911.wmv

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[Black Magic]

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.

Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'


The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile hard on the top of
its head

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.


The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
Spoke up..........
'I'll try it -
Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

[ZXR750]

BM You have been a bit quiet lately. I thought you may have run out of jokes so I will give you one to get you started again.

I hope it does not offend any one.

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,
"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble
these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a Nice
cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. ..



"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."