BM's Joke/ funny video thread..... probably NWS

[6maniac]

:shock: almost got caught out with that one as the missus walked past

And you would have blamed me because I " have no scruples " ?

[robracer]

100%

[6maniac]

So the screen is squeaky clean now ????

[Black Magic]

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later) she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out ploughing with his old mule. He tried to plough a lot.

One day, when he was out ploughing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch.

Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute then nod his head in agreement. When a man mourner approached him he would listen for a minute then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent the minister wanted to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

[Black Magic]

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go
into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane
in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself
as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mommy, I was at the
playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went
back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped
her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off,
then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an
interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want
to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mommy asked little Johnny to tell his
story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw
Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he
was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt.
Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy
started doing the same thing that Mommy and Uncle Bill used to do when
Daddy was in the Army."

[Black Magic]

1.) THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female.....Any part under a car's hood.
Male.........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2.)VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female.....Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3.) COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female.....The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male..........Leaving a note before taking off for a weekend with the boys.

4.) COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female.....A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male.........Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

5.) ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
Female.....A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male.........Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.

6.) FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female.....An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male.........A source of entertainment, self-statement, male bonding.

7.) MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female.....The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male.........Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.

8.) REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female.....A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male..........A device for scanning through all 175 channels.

[Black Magic]

Paddy and Mick are two Irishmen working at the local sawmill. One day Mick slips and his arm gets caught and severed by the big bench saw.
Paddy quickly puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick to the local hospital. Next day Paddy goes to the hospital and asks after Mick.

The nurse says, 'Oh he's out in Rehab exercising'.

Paddy couldn't believe it but here's Mick out the back exercising his now re-attached arm. The very next day he's back at work in the saw mill.

A couple of days go by and then Mick slips and severs his leg on another bloody big crosscut saw.
Paddy puts the limb in a plastic bag and rushes it and Mick off to hospital. Next day he calls in to see him and asks the nurse how he is.

The nurse replies, 'He's out in the Rehab again exercising'.

And sure enough, here's Mick out there doing some serious work on the treadmill. And very soon Mick comes back to work. But as usual, within a couple of days he has another accident and severs his head.

Wearily Paddy puts the head in a plastic bag and transports it and Mick to hospital.
Next day he goes in and asks the nurse how Mick is.

The nurse breaks down and cries and says, 'He's dead.'

Paddy is shocked but not surprised. 'I suppose the saw finally did him in.'

'No', says the nurse, 'Some dopey bastard put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated'.

[Black Magic]

Santa and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Patiyala to New Delhi. The lawyer asks if he would like to play a fun game. Santa, tired, just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me fifty bucks, and vice versa."

Again, Santa declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $50, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500!"

This catches Santa's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"

Santa doesn't say a word, reaches into his purse, pulls out a $50 bill, and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn." Santa asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes back with four legs?"

The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer, starts Googling, hits Wikipedia, Asks Jeeves... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and co-workers but to no avail.

After an hour, he wakes Santa and hands him $500. Santa thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs Santa and asks, "Well, what's the bloody answer?" Without a word, Santa reaches into his purse, hands the lawyer $50, and goes back to sleep...

[Black Magic]

At the risk of mentioning the American President around here-
Out with the old.......

George:
We will miss you and your words of wisdom that brought tears to our eyes!


'The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country.'
- George W. Bush

'If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.'
- George W. Bush

'One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'.'
-George W. Bush


'I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future.'
- George W. Bush

'The future will be better tomorrow.'
- George W. Bush

'We're going to have the best educated American people in the world.'
- George W. Bush (Clearly he is not one of them....)

'I stand by all the misstatements that I've made.'
- George W Bush

'We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe '
- George W. Bush

'Public speaking is very easy.'
- George W. Bush

'A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls.'
- George W. Bush

'I have opinions of my own -- strong opinions -- but I don't always agree with them.'
-George Bush

'We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur.'
- George W. Bush

'For NASA, space is still a high priority.'
-George W. Bush

'Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children.'
-George W. Bush

'It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it.'
- George W. Bush



“Our enemies are innovative and resourceful, and so are we. They never
stop thinking about new ways to harm our country and our people, and neither do we.”
- George W. Bush





“The problem with the French is that they don’t have a word for ‘entrepreneur.’”

- George W. Bush


“I don’t have the foggiest idea about what I think about international foreign policy.”

-
George W. Bush

[zx6rider]

Thought I might contribute a few blonde jokes, your not blonde are you BM?


Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking, and one blonde says to the other, 'Which do you think is farther away... Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says 'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'

CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'

SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, 'I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!'

RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. 'Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river and shouts back, 'You ARE on the other side.'

[6maniac]

Thought I might contribute a few blonde jokes, your not blonde are you BM?

You are sooooooooooooo in trouble.......they don't come any blonder !!!!

[Black Magic]

Thought I might contribute a few blonde jokes, your not blonde are you BM?

'

You are soooooooooo in trouble!

Lucky I have thick skin!
(Ron, I am choosing to see your recognition of my blondness in a good way. Not in an 'oh, she is soooooo blonde' way. Otherwise you are sooooooooooo in trouble!)

Right back at ya zx6rider........

There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, ' What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!'

[Black Magic]

This one cracked me up.....

A little boy says to his mother, "Mommy how come I'm black and you're white?"

His mother replied, "Don't even ask! From what I can remember about that
f*cking party, you're lucky you don't bark!

[zx6rider]

Thought I might contribute a few blonde jokes, your not blonde are you BM?

'

You are soooooooooo in trouble!

Lucky I have thick skin!

Well BM, seeing as you have your thick skin on, thought I might post a couple more
(Good to see your such a good sport!!! )

AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more. She pushed her knee and screamed;
Likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said. 'Your finger is broken.'



KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside a speeding car on the freeway. Glancing at the car, he was astounded to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights and siren, the trooper cranked down his window, turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'

[Black Magic]

My thick skin is a permanent fixture!

Keep 'em coming!